Miracle Of The Moment
by Miss Fenway
Summary: Big Time Rush 100 Themes Challenge.  NO SLASH!  ON HIATUS
1. Introductions

**A/N.** **Writer's Block is the bane of my existence. I need to watch 'Dead Poet's Society' but I've been a little short on time lately. Anyway, last night I started breaking through the wall for 'Innocence Lost' but I thought things might go better if I try something like this. So this is my attempt at the 'Big Time Rush 100 Themes Challenge'. I hope you like it! I don't own anything.**

**Introduction**

_"You've got a friend in me." - 'You've Got A Friend In Me' by Randy Newman._

Kendall Knight shivered in the cold Minnesota winter and wrapped his arms around himself in an attempt to contain the little warmth he had in his body. The five year old glanced around the pond, wobbling as the small motion threatened his lack of balance. All around him, people of all ages seemed to be having such a fun time as they glided across the frozen surface and their skates. Kendall couldn't understand how anyone could possibly stay on their feet when the blades were so thin and the ice was so slippery. He had already lost count of the times he had fallen.

"Ready, Kendall?" Strong arms steadied him and Kendall returned his father's grasp. "No, buddy. Let go of me. I've got you."

"I'm going to fall again." Kendall whimpered, tears already prepared to fall. Skating could be fun if he could figure out how to stay upright. But for now, falling hurt.

"Just relax, Kendall." Jeffery Knight sighed. "You're in Minnesota. You need to know how to skate." He waited for the question he knew was coming.

Kendall tipped his head to look up at his father. "Why?" He asked, a typical five year old. "Is it the law?" His green eyes widened as a sudden thought came to him. "Are the police going to put me in jail if I don't learn how to skate, Daddy?"

His father looked torn between laughing and simply looking frustrated. But when his son looked up at him, reminding him of his beloved wife back home, he couldn't stop the chuckle the forced it's way out of his throat. "No, Kendall. It's not the law. No on is coming to arrest you if you don't learn how to skate. Still," He added as he adjusted his hold on Kendall. "Everyone in Minnesota learns how to skate when they're your age. Sometimes they're even younger."

The small boy shook his head. Just because everyone did something didn't mean he had to too right? Hadn't his mother said the same thing when he followed Johnny Williams' example of eating paste in day care? But Kendall had resigned himself to the fact that he had to learn how to skate. So he sighed and said grudgingly, "Okay."

He meant that it was okay for him to learn how to skate. He didn't mean that it was okay for his father to let go of him. Immediately, his balance began to fade and he flailed his arms around before gravity won and he fell once more to the hard surface. Tears pricked at his eyes when he felt a sharp pain in his hand. Kendall looked down. "Daddy, I'm bleeding!" He shrieked. When his father reached him, he held up the injured hand for inspection. "See?" He asked in an injured tone. "You let go when I wasn't ready and I hurt my hand on that stick." He glared at the offending twig.

"Kendall, it's just a little scratch." His dad dabbed at the finger in a clueless attempt to make his son feel better. "Look, it's barely bleeding."

"I want a Band-Aid." Kendall pulled his hand away and looked at it sorrowfully.

"Kendall, you don't need a Band-Aid. It's only a little cut." Jeffery sighed and pulled Kendall to his feet. "Come on. Let's try this again okay? We can-"

"No!" Kendall shouted, attracting a handful of curious stares. "I want a Band-Aid! My finger hurts, Daddy!"

Mothers, especially first time mothers, always have things like Band-Aids with them. Fathers on the other hand tend to be relaxed about the whole thing. Probably a little too relaxed. "Kendall, we don't even have a Band-Aid right now." Mr. Knight pulled his winter hat off to run his hand through his dark blonde hair. He sighed again when he saw a tear making its way down Kendall's face. "Do you want to go home?" He asked reluctantly.

"I have Band-Aids. Do you want one?"

Both Kendall and his father just noticed that a tiny boy had joined them on the edge of the pond and was holding out a small box to Mr. Knight. His naturally pale face blushed when they looked at him.

"Thank you." Kendall's father finally said. He knelt down beside the two boys and took a Band-Aid from the box. He pulled his gloves off with his teeth and unwrapped the much desired Band-Aid while Kendall smiled gratefully at the other boy.

"You shouldn't use your mouth to take your gloves off like that." The child said solemnly. He regarded Kendall's father with wide brown eyes. "Your saliva will make them get wet and then your fingers will be cold. Besides, did you know that humans have more germs in their mouths than dogs? And if you get bit by a dog that's bad because-"

"Logan!" A young woman hurried up to the boy and took his hand. "Sweetie, you can't talk to people you don't know, remember? You have to be careful." She then turned to smile at Kendall and his father, who was looking at the kid, Logan, as if he had two heads. "I'm sorry. My son can be a bit. . . helpful at times. I hope he didn't bother you."

"Of course not." Kendall's father shook his head and laughed. "In fact I think we have something to say to. . . Logan. Right, Kendall?"

"Yeah!" Kendall stared at Logan. "You shouldn't call people dogs. It's not very nice."

"Kendall!" His father exclaimed. "Logan didn't call anyone dogs. He just told us an interesting fact about dogs." He smiled apologetically at the woman and her son who had retreated behind her legs. "I'm sorry. Kendall tends to take things a little too seriously." He gently shook his son's hand to gain his attention once more. "Kendall, Logan gave you one of his Band-Aids. That was nice of him to share wasn't it?" He watched as Kendall nod. "What do you say?"

A wide grin split Kendall's face and he let go of his father to skate over to the boy. "Thanks, Logan! My finger feels all better now!"

Logan let Kendall approach him then ducked his head shyly. "Your welcome." He whispered, his hand rubbing the back of his neck. Then he looked back up at Kendall hesitantly. "Do you want to be my friend?"

Kendall nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah! I'm Kendall. You're Logan right?"

The woman looked up from watching the boys interact to smile at Kendall's father. "Well, your son is certainly the friendly type. Actually I'm surprised that Logan is so bold. He's usually a wall flower. I'm Rebekah Mitchell. You've already met Logan of course."

"I'm Jeffery Knight and this little rascal is my son, Kendall." Mr Knight raised his eyebrows in a question. "How old is Logan? He seems remarkably well adapted for-"

"For his size right?" Rebekah finished. She smiled. "He's five believe it or not. I'm afraid he takes after my side of the family. My husband, Ryan, is over six feet tall. I'm guessing Kendall is five too?"

"Almost six." Kendall stopped talking to Logan about _Power Rangers_ to hold up four fingers.

"That's only four fingers." Logan told him before anyone could say anything. "You need two more." He reached over and made Kendall's fingers stand up. "See? Four plus two is six!"

"Wow, can you teach me how to do that?" Another small boy, his skin showing a rich Hispanic heritage slid to a stop on front of them. He lost his balance and fell to the ground, nearly taking Logan down with him if Kendall hadn't held onto his new friend.

"Teach you what?" Logan asked, startled by the sudden arrival of the other boy.

The boy stood up, straightening his helmet and grinning before talking. "Make your fingers say six." He said as if it were obvious. "I'm Carlos by the way. My daddy is over there." He pointed vaguely to the left where Logan's mother and Kendall's father could only assume that the rather frantic looking man was the boy's father. "Who are you?"

"I'm Kendall and he's Logan." Kendall took charge. "He's my new best friend."

Carlos' smile faded. "But I want him to be my best friend." He argued, taking on of Logan's arms and pulling him closer.

"He gave me a Band-Aid." Kendall grabbed Logan's other arm and pulled him back. "He's _my_ best friend."

"He's going to show me how to say six with my fingers!" Carlos whined.

"Boys!" Logan's mother tried to break into the conversation and rescue her son. Next to her, Kendall's father was trying to convince his son to let Logan go. Carlos' father had spotted the group and was hurrying over to them.

"Carlos!" The man reached them and gently but firmly pried Logan's arm out of Carlos' grasp. "I am so sorry." He apologized. "Carlos, that's not the way we meet new friends. We have to be gentle remember?"

Carlos was near tears though. "But I want Logan to be my best friend!" He wailed, causing small smiles on the faces of the adults.

"Wait!" Logan held up both hands.

"Hey, my dad does that when he works sometimes." Carlos' tears stopped as he watched Logan. "He's a policeman."

Logan sighed. "Let's all be friends, okay?"

"Yeah!" Carlos and Kendall cheered at the same time, all thoughts of the fight forgotten. "You're really smart, Logan!" Carlos said enthusiastically.

Logan shrugged in embarrassment. "So let's skate." He suggested.

Kendall had forgotten his previous fears and followed the other two boys and they skated around in circles, making their parents laugh at the sight. All had gone smoothly until Carlos skated a little too close to Logan and knocked the other boy over.

Logan fell on his hands and knees. It didn't hurt too badly but as he was getting up, there was already a small hand helping him. He stood up, expecting to see Carlos or Kendall. Instead he found himself shading his eyes to see the tall brown haired boy before him.

"Are you okay?" The new boy asked. He looked at Carlos and Kendall who had joined them. "You should be more careful." He told Carlos softly. "He might have hurt his face." While he spoke, his hands touched his own face as if to make sure that it was still unharmed.

"I'm okay." Logan assured them. "It was just an accident so it's okay, Carlos." He smiled shyly at the new boy. "Thanks for helping me." He offered his hand. "I'm Logan. These are my new friends, Carlos and Kendall."

"I'm James." The tall boy murmured. He stood awkwardly before the other three boys before he started to turn around. "Well, I have to go."

"Wait!" Logan stopped him. "Do you want to be friends with us?" He asked hopefully. "We can play _Ninja Turtles_."

Rebekah Mitchell shook her head in wonder. "I have _never_ seen Logan like this before." She whispered to the boys' fathers. "He's usually so shy. He must feel completely comfortable with those boys."

They were joined by another woman who had been watching the boys since James helped Logan up. "They look like the four musketeers out there don't they?" She smiled and shook her head. "You would never know that they just met today." She held out her hand. "I'm Michelle Diamond. That's my son, James."

The other adults introduced themselves and pointed out their sons before falling silent and watching the boys skate together. James' mother was right. It was as if they had known each other for all five of their years.

It wasn't long before Kendall had fallen into an almost natural leader position as he kept the other three boys organized. James seemed to think it was his duty to protect the others from hurting each other while being careful to keep his face out of the fray. One would never know that Logan was normally a shy child as they watched him laugh and play, clearly having the time of his life. Carlos skated around with reckless abandon but finally settled down to the point where the other boys didn't have to constantly watch their backs around his crazy stunts.

Somehow, when the hours began to drag on and their parents managed to pull their sons apart, everyone knew that this wouldn't be the last time that the boys played together. What they didn't know was just how strong their friendship would become. For the time being, they were five years old, completely happy and innocent. Best friends.

**A/N. I almost choked on the fluff in this piece. But it was fun. Oh, and I realize that I totally screwed up some of the parents' names but I'm too lazy to worry about that right now. I'll edit later. So, I hope you enjoyed this because I have 99 more to go! I'll take turns with the three stories that I'm writing. Whichever one I feel inspired for will get updated next so hang with me okay? Thanks for reading, please review!**


	2. Breathe Again

**A/N. Okay, honestly? Am I really supposed to avoid my 'Little Hollow' world when there are so many wonderful topics in this challenge? Originally I was going to try to keep from bouncing all over the place with the boys' ages. But then I saw this one and. . . I couldn't resist. I missed my angst. Besides, looking back on it, I feel like C41-43 of 'LH' went by a little too fast. I decided to slow things down a little. End result? I choked on the angst. I don't own anything.**

James Diamond had never been in so much pain before in all his life. The sheer panic that gripped his lungs was slowly cutting off his oxygen completely and it tightened his chest. He let out a choked gasp of air and tried to speak but no words came out.

All around him was chaos. At Doctor Walsh's cry of alarm, the room had filed with strange men and women who promptly surrounded the still figure on the hospital bed and went to work trying to save a life. Dimly, James could hear both Kendall and Carlos saying something but he couldn't distinguish words out of all the noise. All his attention was riveted on Logan.

Logan. Logan wasn't breathing. His face was pale, the area around his lips had turned an awful shade of blue. Doctor Walsh had started artificial respiration on him while a team of doctors worked feverishly to set up an oxygen tank and the shock paddles. James got the sense that they were all hurrying even though it looked like they were moving in slow motion.

James had always hated hospital shows. He wasn't like Kendall who got queasy at the sight of a paper cut, he just didn't like watching people die even if it was just pretend. But at that moment, he would have given anything to be sitting at home watching _ER_, or _Grey's Anatomy. _Because what he actually was watching was one hundred percent real: He was watching his best friend die.

Suddenly, a burly pair of arms latched themselves around James' frozen form and he found himself being pulled away from the scene, away from Logan. He tried to jerk away but it was like his arms were made of spaghetti because they floundered around uselessly in the iron grip and there was nothing he could do. Still, he struggled and screamed. What he screamed he had no idea but it didn't matter They couldn't take him away from Logan.

Then he found himself out in the hallway with his other best friends and Mrs. Knight and Katie. He took no notice of them and slammed every inch of his tall frame into the closed door. It didn't budge. Instead of trying again, James pressed against the glass window and strained to see Logan amidst the crowd.

There was a tube down his throat and someone was trying to force air back into his lungs while another two pressed the paddles to his motionless chest. James watched as Logan jerked upward then fell back to the bed.

"Come on, Logan." He whispered as if Logan could actually hear him. He shook his head in denial as the doctors repeated the process with the same result.

It was just like a TV show except it was real. It wasn't some actor getting paid millions of dollars to die for five minutes. Logan wouldn't get up, collect his check and leave. Logan was dying right before James' eyes.

He had been dying slowly for months, the cancer eating away at him day by day. The kidney surgery had been a last resort to save him because the doctors hadn't even known if he would survive the operation. But he had and James had found reason to hope. Twenty-four hours later though, his last shred of hope was disappearing with each failed attempt from the doctors to get Logan back.

"Come on, Logan." He repeated. "Please don't leave us now." His legs buckled underneath of him and he slid to the floor, his back against the wall. Tears had blinded him but he could still hear.

"Time of death, 1:34pm."

_No._ James pressed his hands to his ears and foolishly tried to pretend that he had heard wrong. They couldn't possibly be talking about Logan.

The door opened and a string of dejected looking doctors and nurses walked out, most of them avoiding eye contact with the small group. Doctor Walsh was the last to exit the room and his gaze swept over the boys and Mrs. Knight and Katie. "I'm so sorry."

There was nothing else that anyone could say. James felt like ripping into the doctor, screaming and asking him why he couldn't save Logan. They had failed at their job. But Logan would have been the first to tell James that doctors couldn't save everyone. Why Logan though? Why did Logan have to be one they couldn't save? James couldn't think or feel. He was utterly numb to the doctor's words. Then, Carlos spoke up.

"But we never got to say goodbye." He sounded so lost to James, like part of him refused to accept the fact that Logan was gone.

James couldn't believe it either. Logan couldn't be dead. Not now. Not that way. If Logan was meant to lose his battle with cancer then it should have been in a more peaceful way. They should have been able to say goodbye to Logan.

What were they supposed to do now? Before James or anyone else could ask, Doctor Walsh had turned and nodded to the open door. James stood up slowly and followed by the others, walked slowly into the room. It was like he was in a trance, his legs moving of their own accord to the bed.

Logan looked like he as sleeping except that he wasn't breathing and there was no sign of life at all. The tube had been removed and a sheet had been pulled up to his chin, hiding the marks the paddles had made. James reached out and touched a hand, felt the cold skin, and fell apart.

He dropped into the nearest chair and wrapped his arms around himself, trying to stop the pain that had suddenly blasted throughout his entire body. It literally felt like he had been cut open and something had ripped through his lungs. Huge, wracking sobs shook his entire body and the tears fell so fast that for the moment, he was completely blind and all he could see was darkness. He never knew that a person could cry so hard but he also never knew that losing one of his friends could hurt so badly.

Next to him, Kendall was standing perfectly still, every single muscle rigid. There was a chair behind him but he took no notice of it and he stared at Logan, disbelief in his green eyes. Carlos had immediately flung himself down by Logan and was pleading for him to come back.

Each word out of the younger boy's mouth were like knives continually stabbing James, puncturing his lungs and creating more holes in his heart. He wanted to scream at Carlos to stop talking to Logan, because Logan was dead and he wasn't coming back. Another part of him wanted to join Carlos and plead with Logan, even though nothing could bring him back.

* * *

James had no idea how much time had passed. He forgot all about time and he struggled for air in between sobs. It seemed like everything had stopped because Kendall still hadn't moved and Carlos was still pleading to Logan, and he was still crying. They were frozen in time, stuck in the torturous moment.

"Logan?"

He heard Carlos' whisper over his own sobs but the way he sounded like he was actually talking to Logan, expecting a response, make him cry even harder. He couldn't bear losing Carlos too but it seemed like it was already to late for that.

"Carlos-"

Kendall. Kendall broke from his frozen posture to reach out to Carlos who pulled away and cut his friend off in one breathless word.

"Look."

The second time Carlos spoke was different. Before he could stop himself, James raised his head to see what had erased the pain in Carlos' voice. He froze. Logan was breathing. It wasn't at all possible but he was. As James watched, the faintest tinge of color came into the gray face and his eyes even caught the slightest twinge of Logan's fingers.

Doctor Walsh spoke next. James had completely forgotten that he was still there. Suddenly he was close, too close, as he bent to look over the patient he had pronounced dead only a short time ago. James wanted to push him away so that he could see Logan better but he was powerless to do anything watch.

Then Carlos was saying something too, but James still couldn't make out any words. Everything was just a faint buzzing sound in his ear. But then he saw Logan nod ever so slightly in response to whatever Carlos had said to him.

Kendall and Carlos were both saying something, their words increasing the buzzing sound in James' ears to the point where he wondered if he had gone completely insane and he was just imagining that Logan was alive.

But then Logan's eyes opened. At first they only opened a tiny bit and then shut so quickly that the alarm snapped James out of his daze. "What happened?" But already, Logan was trying again and soon James found himself staring at someone who was very much alive.

It was just like the last time they had seen Logan awake. His eyes were filled with pain and sorrow as he took all of them in. But then his gaze found Carlos who was grinning like an idiot and a faint smile crossed his face and seemed to transform the rest of him. "Hi."

It was such a small word and it was spoken so softly that James could just hear it over the buzzing sound of everyone else talking. But it was undoubtedly Logan's voice, something James thought he would never hear again. Contrary to his old belief that a person could only cry so many tears before they ran out, James started crying again at the sound. He heard Logan say Kendall's name and only cried harder.

Through his tears he saw Logan's face crease with worry and he saw Logan reach out to him. He opened his mouth to say something to James but before he could, the door was flung open once again and the same team of doctors trooped in, looking stunned as they tried to keep their composure professional.

"Wait."

James heard Logan speak again before he found himself being dragged out of the room once again. It was like a demented repeat of just a few minutes ago and this time he didn't even bother trying to stand. He let himself fall again to the floor as he tried to absorb what was happening.

"Logan's alive. He's alive. Did you see him? I felt him squeeze my hand and then he nodded and then he opened his eyes and he. . ." Carlos was talking so fast that his words were running together and making very little sense. He paced back and forth in such a frenzy that he attracted the attention of several random strangers as they poked their heads out of their rooms.

_Logan is alive._ The thought hit James so suddenly and so hard that he would have fallen over if he had been standing. He wanted to believe it but some part of him couldn't. He had just seen Logan die and now he was alive? How was that supposed to make any sense at all?

The door opened then and without waiting for any instructions, they flooded into the room. Mrs. Knight and Katie somehow claimed the first hugs then stepped away to marvel over the miracle. Kendall had sat down next to Logan's bed and was just looking at him with an enormous smile on his face. Carlos was practically on top of Kendall as he rushed over to the bed. He said something but once again the words were lost on James. He wondered if his hearing could have possibly been damaged somehow.

"James?"

But he heard Logan's voice. He wanted to go to Logan and hug him like everyone else had. He wanted to say something to him. But he couldn't. He couldn't move or even think. "You died." He jumped at the sound of his voice and watched Logan with unblinking eyes.

Logan's face grew sad again. "I'm sorry."

How absurd but typical of Logan to apologize for dying. James had no control over his body and let out a short, hysterical laugh before he started shaking. He had lost it. Somehow he had conjured up Logan so that he was alive and talking and saying that he was sorry for dying.

But it wasn't his imagination. It was real. Logan was really alive. Still. "I saw you die." James hated himself for being unable to step across the few feet that separated him from his friends because he wanted that more than anything. However, his legs refused to obey the orders his mind were screaming at him. Was he paralyzed?

"But James, I'm here now."

Logan's eyes had filled with tears and the sight of them was what broke James away from the wall he had pressed his back again. He stumbled over to the bed, nearly falling halfway there. He was steadied by someone, whether it was Carlos or Kendall he didn't know. Then he sank down besides Logan and after a brief hesitation, pulled him into a hug. He felt Logan return his embrace and Kendall and Carlos join in. It was only then that James could breath again.

**A/N. My hope is that this wasn't repetitive but I liked it. Please review!**


	3. Abandoned

**Okay. Today is Logan Henderson's 21st birthday. I'm not lying when I said I baked pumpkin bars in celebration. I'm also not lying when I say that this, horrible, dreadful, angsty fic is a dedication to him. Yeah. I don't own anything. **

"_I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest, tried to be everything that you ever wanted. I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter, tried to be everything but you." - 'Everything You Ever Wanted' by Hawk Nelson._

Logan opened his eyes, squinting at the brightness in the hospital room. He hated everything about the room. He hated the awful white walls that looked so cold and unforgiving. He hated the constant bustle of the nurses and doctors walking past, occasionally popping in to check on him. He hated the bed because it was unfamiliar like everything else. He hated being away from his friends.

But all of that was okay now. Sure, he had cancer but the doctors would try their best to save him. People beat cancer all the time. He had his best friends to be there for him. They never let him down before. And now. . . now he had his father back. To Logan, getting so sick was worth it if it meant being part of a family again.

He grinned as he remembered the day his father had come to him. It had been the day after he found out about his cancer. He had been scared. So scared. He didn't know what to expect. He didn't want to die. He was scared for his friends too. But all the terror had disappeared instantly the minute he woke up to see his father.

Logan couldn't remember the last time he had seen his father. It had been when they were still in Minnesota. Ryan Mitchell had never come to visit him once they moved to LA. Logan had tried calling him the first few months but had given up when all his calls went unreturned. If they had been distant when they lived in the same house, then the hundreds of miles between them couldn't help anything. It hurt but Logan had accepted that he needed to let his father go.

And then he came back. Logan knew that the doctors had managed to contact him even though he had probably been on another business trip. Despite his hectic schedule he had dropped everything to be with his son. Logan had seen his father's eyes when he first woke up that day. They were filled with emotion. Regret, fear, grief, pain. It hurt to see his father like that. But there had been so many moments between the two of them that had become missed opportunities that Logan couldn't believe that his father was really ready to take him back. He did though. He had pulled Logan into his arms and held him for the first time in years. Logan had felt safe in his father's arms.

They had talked after that. A long talk about Logan's mother and what had happened between the two of them. Ryan had acknowledge that it was all his fault and tearfully apologized for all the lost years. There had been so many moments when Logan had needed him and he had been somewhere else. He didn't deserve Logan's forgiveness. But Logan hadn't hesitated in giving it to him. Because he needed his dad more than ever before. He just wanted to forget about the past and move on. Together. Like a real family.

Logan glanced at the clock on the nightstand. Any minute now his father should come. The night before he had mentioned something about arriving at the hospital a little later than usual because of some business he had to attend to. Logan didn't pry. He knew that his father was sacrificing a lot to be in LA with him and he was grateful for that. He could stand being by himself for a little while. Besides, Camille and Jo had already visited him that morning and Kendall and Carlos and James would be by after their support group.

At the thought of his best friends, Logan frowned. He was worried about them. They were scared. He was too and if it were any of them in his place. . . it would be even worse. Logan was glad that he was the sick one. His friends didn't deserve anything bad to happen to them. But they weren't just scared for him. Logan doubted that they had forgiven Ryan Mitchell for his years of absence. Kendall especially. James and Carlos were better at hiding their feelings for Logan's sake. But Kendall had always worn his heart on his sleeve. He was like a open book for the whole world to read. Logan was afraid of the way his friends felt about his dad. But everything would work out. He was sure.

Logan sighed and sat up again. He was bored. Thankfully, he hadn't been too affected by the cancer or the chemo quite yet. Aside from feeling exhausted most of the time, which was really nothing new thanks to his insomnia, Logan hadn't had any real complications. He was thankful for that but he felt apprehensive for what he knew was to come. In the mean time though, all he could do was sit and wait for someone to come keep him company.

He didn't want to complain. Part of him was glad that his friends and his father seemed to be trying to go on with their lives. He didn't want them to put everything on hold for him. But another part of him was selfish and wished that they could always be with him. At least it would keep him feeling sane. Logan had always hated being alone. He would never have to deal with that again though. He had his friends and his father was back. Life couldn't get any better or worse. All in all, Logan was content.

Another glance at the clock told Logan more time had passed than he had originally thought. Where was his father? Even with his "business" whatever that was, Logan had assumed that he would have been in the hospital by the early afternoon. It was almost 3:00 now and he hadn't even heard from him.

An uneasy feeling settled in the pit of Logan's stomach but he tried to ignore it. It was stronger than him though and came rising to the surface in a quiet panic. What if something had happened to his dad? What if he had been in an accident on his way to the hospital? Surely, someone would have told him by now if that had happened, right? Logan looked at the clock yet again but this time, something caught his eye. He reached over and slid a folded piece of paper of the table and held it in both hands. His name was written across the top in his father's professional scrawl. That was all. Logan frowned and unfolded the paper with shaking hands. He started to read it.

At first Logan was simply confused. His father was repeatedly apologizing for something Logan had already forgiven. He hated to think that his father was still so wrapped up in grief that he couldn't move on. Logan was more than ready to move on and begin again.

But then the tone of the letter changed and Logan felt like someone had just pulled the whole world out from under his feet. His heart clenched painfully and his eyesight blurred but he kept reading. There had to be some explanation. Some horrible mistake. The words on the page just couldn't be real. Not after what had happened only days before. He was wrong. He had to be wrong. His father wasn't saying goodbye again. Any minute now Logan was sure that he would look up to see his father standing there. He would tell Logan that the letter wasn't real. It was his imagination. A nightmare.

Logan read the letter six times through before the paper fell to his lap. He realized vaguely, that his entire body was shaking as if he were standing in the middle of a blizzard. He also faintly heard voices, talking to him. But they were unfamiliar voices so he ignored them. He wanted his dad.

The realization crashed over him then, leaving him breathless. His father had left him. Again. It wasn't some horrible nightmare. It was happening all over again except this time there was no slow fade. It was a violent crash and burn that had Logan doubled over, sobbing hysterically. All the physical pain in the world could not compare to wave of grief that washed over him, pulling him down, threatening to drown him.

Dimly, he heard alarmed voices calling to him. He recognized one as Doctor Walsh but he couldn't catch his breath enough to answer. Tear ran unheeded down his cheeks, his entire body jerking with sobs that made his stomach churn nauseatingly. He wrapped his arms around his waist because it hurt so bad. He had never cried so hard before in his life.

He had lost his father for good this time. He knew he wasn't coming back. It had been too much for him to handle. Why though? What was wrong with Logan that his father couldn't stay with him? What had he done wrong? There had to be a reason. There had to be something he had said or done that had driven his father away. But Logan couldn't think straight. He could only think that he had never felt so alone before. Just yesterday everything had been so good. It had all come undone though and Logan felt himself slowly beginning to unravel. He shook his head wildly when a nurse spoke to him and tried in vain to pull himself together.

The tears continued to pour down his face as his mind searched desperately for an explanation. But he could only think of one thing: He was a screw-up. There had to be something seriously wrong with him if his father had to leave. He wasn't sure what, but no one in their right minds would have left him if he didn't deserve it.

Logan's sobs eventually slowed so that he could breath again. He collapsed back into the bed and laid there, staring up at the ceiling. He had the feeling that someone had given him a mild sedative, not enough to knock him out, but enough to calm him down. Still, he refused to answer Doctor Walsh when he heard him calling his name. He wished that they had given him a stronger sedative so that he didn't have to feel the ache in his heart anymore. Finally, when Logan had stopped crying altogether, he heard Doctor Walsh say something about his contacting someone, and then he was alone again.

Alone. The thought made him shiver. He was alone. His father had left and Logan was sure that everyone else was probably right behind him. He felt awful for even thinking that his friends would leave him but he couldn't stop the thought from parading around in his mind, practically screaming at him. Why shouldn't they leave him? He was nothing. Absolutely worthless. He wanted to die.

The thought surprised him but it didn't go away. Logan suddenly felt an overwhelming desire to end his life right then and there. But how? The pair of scissors seemed to be taunting him. Why were they even there in the first place? It seemed so perfect. He was alone. The scissors were sharp. He knew exactly where to cut too. Where it would be fatal.

_What about your friends?_

It was almost like someone had literally whispered in Logan's ear, the thought was so clear. His hand froze in mid-air and dropped back to his lap. He felt dizzy. What was he thinking? He couldn't kill himself. What would it do to his friends? They had stood by him for every significant moment in his life and they would probably continue to do so. What kind of thanks would it be for him to do what the cancer was trying to do? It would be like a cruel slap in the face to each of them and Logan couldn't bear to have his final act kill his best friends as well.

So he laid back down, curling into himself. He heard voices outside his door, but didn't bother to turn to see who it was. Everything hurt. Even breathing. Living hurt but he had to hold on for his friends. Because for some inexplicable reason, they still cared about him.

The door opened and Logan felt the presence of his three friends even before they spoke to him. The darkness closing in around him was broken up by Kendall and James and Carlos when they appeared in Logan's line of vision. They were terrified for him. Kendall whispered his name, begging for Logan to reply. But he couldn't. He had no voice. Then Carlos spoke, his voice shaking, and Logan felt another stab of guilt for making his best friends cry. Maybe he was a screw-up after all. He couldn't do anything right. Then James dropped down into the chair near Logan's bed. His face was white and his eyes were already filled with tears although Logan knew that he probably didn't know what was wrong.

Logan still couldn't speak. Every now and then, a stray sob would hit him and his whole body would tremble. But when he saw James drop down to eye level and Kendall and Carlos do the same, he knew. He saw the care and the frantic worry in their eyes. He saw them pleading for an explanation but he couldn't bring himself to tell them what had happened. So when Kendall caught sight of the paper in his hands and reached down to take it, Logan didn't stop him.

* * *

He woke to the sound of steady breathing. Carlos and Kendall were passed out on their cots while James was pretending to be asleep. Logan smirked slightly and the action surprised him. But Kendall and Carlos both looked hysterical sprawled out and James looked painfully awkward and he constantly shifted his position to get more comfortable.

It was an enormous comfort to have his friends there. After a long time, they had managed to convince Logan that he was not worthless and that his father was wrong to leave him. In the back of Logan's mind there was a tiny seed of doubt but he knew that it would disappear with time. Ryan Mitchell had been a coward since the day his wife had gone and he had slowly been destroying Logan over the years. It had taken his arrival and his disappearance for Logan to realize that he didn't deserve his father. But now he knew. He also knew that he would be okay. Because he had the best friends in the world.

**A/N. Happy 21st Birthday, Logan! Stay safe and I hope you have a wonderful time! I'm sorry that I dedicated this angst fest to you but I hope my readers loved it enough to review! Carpe Diem, everyone!**


	4. Teamwork

**A/N. So I watched 'Welcome Back Big Time and all I could think of was how Logan did all the work while everyone else just ran around and did stupid things. Don't get me wrong, I still love them all. But my Angst Brain told me to write this so here I go. I don't own anything. **

Logan Mitchell ran a shaking hand through his hair and sighed. He was so incredibly tired. He had been up all night long to ensure that he and his three friends were all caught up in three weeks worth of work and he was beginning to feel the effects of a sleepless night. His head ached and even though he had taken Tylenol, the medicine had done nothing to ease the pain. All he wanted to do was lay down and sleep for three days straight but he couldn't do that. They still had to have all of their work approved by Miss Collins and then they had Rocktober Fest.

Rocktober Fest. Logan wanted to cry at the thought. He loved performing in front of fans. The screams and loud music pulsing through him always proved to be such an adrenaline rush and even though Logan wasn't the adventurous type, concerts were a part of him now. But not when he felt like every step was harder than the last.

"Logan!"

Logan jumped and placed a hand over his racing heart. "Carlos, what the heck?" He complained, trying to steady his breathing.

Carlos frowned. "Are you okay, Logan? You look kind of pale." He stepped back and studied his friend. Logan was always pale but today he seemed different. Dark circle made him look like someone had punched him in the face. But the idea of Logan getting in a fight was absurd. Something was off with Logan, Carlos knew it.

But Logan shook his head and gathered the stack of papers in front of him. "I'm fine. Just a little tired." He tried to muffle a yawn but his jaw cracked uncomfortably and he winced. "Are you guys ready to go see Miss Collins?" He asked, looking up at Carlos.

Carlos nodded slowly, a deep frown still on his normally cheerful face. "Yeah. Everyone's already headed downstairs."

"Already?" Logan asked in a panic. "Why didn't you tell me earlier? We can't be late or she might lower our grade!." He stood up quickly, the motion causing the pounding in his head to increase.

"Logan!" Carlos' arm shot out and grabbed Logan who was swaying uncertainly. "Maybe you should sit down again. At least for a few minutes."

"No." Logan gently freed himself from Carlos' steadying hold. "I'm okay. I just stood up too fast." He nodded at the pile of papers on the kitchen counter. "Can you grab those? I think we got everything else."

The younger boy stepped away from his friend slowly and did as he was asked, his worried gaze never wavering from Logan. "Okay. Let's go." He forced a smile on his face. Logan was probably right. There was nothing to worry about. Still, he hurried to the door and held it open for Logan and then steered his friend to the elevator, afraid of risking the stairs.

"Where have you been?" Kendall demanded as soon as the elevator doors opened. "We're supposed to be there in five minutes."

It was Logan's turn to frown. Kendall had been moping over his deteriorating relationship with his girlfriend Jo since they had come home and he was tired of it. Normally, he was patient but his lack of sleep made me more irritable than usual. "Carlos and I were getting the last of the homework together." He said stiffly. Then, unable to resist, he added, "Thanks for your help by the way."

Kendall scowled. "Look, Logan. I know you have the perfect relationship with Camille and all, but not everyone is as lucky. Some of us have to work for what we want."

Logan couldn't decide whether he wanted to laugh at Kendall's ironic word choice or cry. He settled for brushing past Kendall, completely ignoring him.

"Hey, buddies!" James greeted them all eagerly. "Here, Logie let me take those for you. You look like you need a nap." He took Logan's armload of papers and traded looks with Carlos. "Man, Logan." He said, his voice softening. "You look awful." He shifted the papers so that they were tucked securely under one arm and he wrapped the other arm around Logan. "Are you going to make it today?"

Despite his earlier insistence that he was fine, Logan leaned on James. "I'm okay." He said, trying to keep his voice from shaking. "I'm just tired." He felt like he was repeating himself but when he looked up he saw that James and Carlos still looked skeptical and that Kendall had even started to notice. "I'll be even better when the concert is over and I can get some sleep." He tried to joke and forced a laugh but he wound up looking more pathetic when he broke into a coughing fit.

James unceremoniously dumped the papers into Kendall's hands and supported Logan. "Logan, do all of us need to be there when Miss Collins grades our stuff? I mean, maybe you should go lay down."

Logan cleared his throat then gently shook off James. "We all need to be there." He sighed and rubbed his face, trying to wake himself up. "And then we need to get right in the limo and head over to Rocktober. If she passes us all that is." His chest tightened in panic when he thought of their teacher not passing them. They wouldn't be able to perform at Rocktober and it would be all his fault.

James was much more stubborn than Carlos though and he was also protective over his younger friends. So ignoring Kendall's offer to take the papers back, he took hold of Logan again and walked with him to their classroom. As soon as they arrived, he steered Logan to the nearest chair and made Logan sit down.

Logan allowed James' unspoken order and laid his head down on the cool surface of the wooden desk. It felt good and quiet there and his eyes began to drift shut. Then they snapped open and he sat up, heart pounding wildly. He couldn't fall asleep.

As if to prove his point, Miss Collins walked in, followed by Gustavo and Kelly who looked almost as anxious and tired as he felt. Then again, they must not have felt as bad as they looked because they both gave him funny looks of concern the instant they saw him. He squirmed uncomfortably. He hated having people worry about him and Gustavo made everything even more awkward.

"Ready, boys?" Miss Collins voice, usually sweet and soothing, grated against Logan's frayed nerves as he stood up, aided by James and Carlos. Kendall was looking at his shoes, his thoughts clearly elsewhere. Again, Logan felt an unfamiliar twinge of annoyance when he saw his friend. Kendall was constantly yammering about how they had to work together as a team and work hard for Big Time Rush. But even now, when their fate depended on Miss Collins, Kendall seemed less than interested. Logan tried to ignore him and focused on fighting back the unwelcome feeling of dizziness as he stepped forward to greet Miss Collins.

* * *

Finally. The day was almost over. Logan's feet dragged as he walked toward the limo. He collapsed into the seat next to Carlos and shut his eyes. The pressure in his head had stayed with him all day long even while they were performing and the back flips and dancing had made the pain almost unbearable. Now that they were still, it was even worse.

"Hey, Logan."

Logan sighed and opened his eyes to find that James and Carlos were watching him, their eyes wide in concern. "What's up?" He asked sleepily.

"You tell us." James said, trying to keep from grumbling. "You've been off all day long and we're worried about you, Logan."

"I'm just tired." Logan insisted. "I'll be fine tomorrow."

"Did you sleep at all last night?"

_Shoot. Leave it to Carlos._ Logan flinched. "No." He said honestly. "I had to make sure all of our work got done."

Now James and Carlos were wearing matching expressions of guilt on their faces. "Logan," James looked hurt. "Why didn't you get us to help? It was our work too."

"Yeah, we're supposed to be a team. Teamwork." Carlos added sadly.

Logan bit his lip and shrugged. "It's no big deal. You guys were all busy and everything got done. What's done is done."

"Fine." James and Carlos still looked unsatisfied. "But don't do that again, Logan okay? It's not like we were doing anything important. Your health matters more."

"Okay." Logan nodded, then let his head rest on James' shoulder. Carlos was on his other side but James was taller and more comfortable. "Thanks, guys." He started to close his eyes and then he opened them again in confusion. "Hey, where's Kendall?"

Carlos sighed. "He's still making out with Jo." He rolled down his window and shouted into the night air. "Kendall, stop trading saliva with with Jo and get in here!"

Logan felt James' shoulder shake with laughter and he shifted his position slightly. "Sorry, Logan." He heard James apologize. He muttered something along the lines of how it didn't really matter and the shut his eyes again. Once again his sleep was interrupted by the limo door opening, then slamming shut.

"Do you mind, Carlos?" Kendall snapped. "Way to attract everyone's attention. Jo is so embarrassed and I just got her back. Can we please have a little more privacy?"

"Okay, Kendall." Jame stopped him before it got any further. Logan was usually the peacemaker since he hated confrontation of any sort but Logan was also out of it so someone had to step in. "Shut up. We need to go home. Logan didn't sleep because he was doing all our our school work. It's been a long day for all of us so can we please just. . . not talk?"

"I'm sorry." Kendall mumbled, instantly apologetic when he saw that James was right. He was rewarded with three forgiving smiles and the rest of the car ride was done in silence.

* * *

"Logie? Wake up, man."

Logan groaned. He felt like he had just gone to sleep and James was already shaking him. "Go away." He swatted the air feebly. "I'll sleep in here tonight."

"Right." James sighed then before anyone knew what was happening, he swung Logan up into his arms.

"James!" Logan explained, turning bright red. He gripped James' shirt with one hand, while the other pushed against James. "Put me down, I can walk!"

"Logan, you're exhausted." James and Carlos and even Kendall all looked disapprovingly at him. "You need to relax and get some rest."

"I will." Logan said, finally getting James to set him back on solid ground. "I'm headed up there now." He shook his head, fighting back a sudden wave of dizziness, then set off for their apartment.

Everything had gone smoothly until they reached their floor. Logan's headache had increased so that black spots were dancing in front of him, and his friends' excited chatter about the day seemed far away, like it was coming through a tunnel. His heart raced uncomfortably in his chest and he came to a stop, one hand on his chest and the other placed on the wall as if to keep from falling over.

"Logan?" Carlos stopped in mid-sentence and looked at his friend. "Are you okay?"

"He's not okay." James covered the short distance between him and his younger friends in two long strides. "Logan-"

"I'm okay." Logan insisted. "I just. . . need sleep." But his words sounded slurred even to him and his vision had started to fuzz at the edges. He saw James peering down at him but his friend's face was blurred considerably so for all he knew, it could have been Carlos. James' mouth was moving and Logan heard a distance sound but he couldn't decipher any words over the roaring in his ears. He straightened up and stepped forward, ready for his bed. But his legs suddenly crumbled beneath him and he pitched forward into blackness.

* * *

When he opened his eyes again he was confused. The white room was unfamiliar and somewhat frightening. An incessant beeping noise made him look to his left to see that he was hooked up to a heart monitor. He was in a hospital, that much he knew. But why?

"Logan?"

Logan glanced over to his right. James, Kendall, and Carlos were all sitting in metal chairs by his bed, looking at him anxiously. Their faces were pale and their eyes were slightly red as if they had been crying. Logan felt even more confused than before. Why had they been crying? Had something happened? He didn't even realize he had spoken the last question out loud until Carlos answered him.

"You fainted, Logan. We were almost at 2J and you just passed out. We couldn't wake you up either." The youngest member of the group looked down at his hands for a minute and then back up at Logan who still wore a blank expression on his face. "The doctor said you were suffering from exhaustion because you stayed up all night."

Then everything came rushing back and Carlos' words made sense. Logan nodded slowly. "Oh yeah."

"You scared us, Logan." Kendall said in a shaking voice. "Why didn't you tell us that you felt that bad? We should have helped you with the school work. It was ours too after all. Rocktober doesn't matter either if you're not up to it."

Logan flinched. He knew that Kendall had just been scared and his words weren't meant to be harsh. But he still felt a stab of guilt. "I'm sorry." He mumbled sheepishly.

"Don't apologize." James said quickly. "Logan, if there are any apologies to be made, we're the ones who should be making them. Carlos and I were running around trying to reestablish ourselves at Palm Woods and Kendall was. . . having complications with Jo."

"But I've only known Jo for. . . not even a year." Kendall interrupted. "I've known you guys practically my whole life."

"Right." James agreed, nodding. "While we being stupid idiots, you were being responsible for all of us. But Logan, it's our fault that you got sick like this. We put you here in the hospital."

Logan scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous." He shook his head.

"We're not being ridiculous this time." Carlos said firmly. "You are though if you don't think we're to blame. If we had helped you, then you would have gotten more sleep and we wouldn't be here right now."

Logan sighed and gave in. "Okay." He said finally. "But everything is okay now, right? I'll probably get released tomorrow and we can go home and just relax."

Kendall nodded. "Gustavo gave us a lot of time off." He offered brightly. Then he turned serious. "Logan, I'm really sorry. I treated you pretty badly the other day because I was so worried with the whole mess with Jo. I should have helped you more and I should have paid more attention to you. I always talk about how we're supposed to help each other and I was the biggest hypocrite yesterday and the day before. Can you forgive me?"

"Do you have to ask?" Logan smiled. "Of course I forgive you. All of you. I'm sorry for scaring you guys like that. I should have said something but I honestly thought that I was fine. I just assumed I needed sleep. I just didn't know how bad it really was."

Carlos shivered at the memory. "It was bad, man. You almost face planted on the floor but James caught you."

"Thanks, James." Logan turned to James who returned his smile.

"Just don't make it a habit okay?" James reached over and messed with Logan's hair before he pulled him into a hug.

Logan returned the hug and smiled again when Kendall and Carlos joined in. He knew that his friends would always be there for him to catch him when he fell.

**A/N. Oh gosh, the ending. I choked on the fluff. But hey, it was fun. And yeah, this is what I thought of every time I watched 'Welcome Back Big Time' which was three times. Anyway, I hope you liked it! Please review!**


	5. Hero

**A/N. This one-shot is dedicated to Fish Stick Friday. Thank you all who came to our Fan Fiction Wedding (because we don't know each other at all in real life!). I hope you enjoyed the fish sticks. On with the story! It's based off of C4 of my story, 'Three' with a little twist to it. Hope you like it! I still don't own anything. I'm thinking I need millions and not thousands.**

When Carlos Garcia was seven years old, he was diagnosed with asthma. That winter he had caught a nasty case of the flu and was bedridden for two weeks before he was allowed to do anything with his friends. But he never seemed to fully recover and finally his worried parents took him to the family pediatrician where they were given the news. They were both relieved and concerned. They were relieved that Carlos didn't have a dreadful disease. But they were also concerned because their son was so full of life that it would be difficult to teach him to be more cautious.

As it turned out, the task was impossible and if it wasn't for his three friends, his parents would have reason to worry. But Kendall Knight was always the leader, always there to remind Carlos about his inhaler. James Diamond was always the one who joked and made Carlos' embarrassment disappear. And Logan Mitchell, the aspiring doctor, was the one who was constantly monitoring Carlos' well-being. With his friends, Carlos' parents could always believe that their son was in good hands.

And they were right too. Despite his hyper behavior, Carlos never had a violent attack. He never once had to go to the hospital because his friends and family members were always there to take care of him. Of course some of his attacks were worse and scarier than others but it was never really bad. As the years passed, Carlos' attacks grew further and further apart and eased in their severity and everyone relaxed a little bit. Perhaps too much.

It had been six years since Carlos had his last asthma attack. A lot had changed since they were ten. The biggest change of course, had been their move to Hollywood. They were no longer just four hockey playing best friends from Minnesota. They were Big Time Rush. But their friendship came first. That would never change.

Of the three boys, James and Kendall had relaxed far more than Logan about Carlos' illness. Initially they had made sure that he brought his inhaler and medication with them to LA and they still questioned him about regular doctor check-ups. But it was Logan who pestered Carlos, asking him if he had his inhaler everywhere they went. Carlos was touched by his friend's concern, he found Logan's badgering annoying, mostly because it was as if he didn't trust him to be responsible enough. But he never said anything because he knew that Logan cared about him and felt responsible.

It only takes one time for things to go wrong. Sometimes one mistake is all you get. The day had started out normally enough. Kendall, James, Logan, and Carlos had gone to the park close by Palm Woods to toss the football around. The California air had chilled considerably in mid-October and each boy wore a light jacket to keep warm. But within half an hour of their game they had all tossed their jackets aside, having warmed up with their quick movements.

Carlos noticed that it was unusually harder to catch his breath as he ran back and forth but he shrugged it off, thinking that he was simply tired from the previous day. Gustavo had kept them for an extra long rehearsal and they had all been tired when they finally got back to their apartment. Besides, it had been years since his last attack. It was nothing. He was fine.

It was terrifying how quickly things worsened. Before he knew it, his chest grew unbearably tight and he was lightheaded too. He tried not to panic though and signaled for a time-out as he stumbled over to where they had thrown their jackets.

"Carlos?" His friends had stopped instantly, at first in mere confusion. Logan was the first to realize what was happening and his eyes widened in alarm. He dropped to his knees beside Carlos and took the jacket from his shaking hands. "It's in here right, Carlos? Your inhaler? It's in one of your pockets."

Carlos could only nod wordlessly, his lungs not allowing him to use up oxygen to respond verbally. He dimly noticed that Kendall and James had crowded around them too and he tried to smile to reassure them. But only seconds later, he had another reason to panic.

"Carlos," Logan's voice was tight with anxiety. "It's not here."

"What?" Kendall exclaimed. He yanked Carlos' jacket from Logan's hands and began to search the pockets on his own. He shook the piece of clothing frantically when he came up with the same results. "Logan, what are we going to do?"

"Okay." Logan breathed. "We need to stay calm. Carlos, don't pain okay, buddy? You're going to be fine." He dug his hands in his own pockets and brought out his cell phone. "Listen to me. James, you call 911." His voice shook slightly and he and James almost dropped the phone during the transfer. "Tell them what's happening and where we are. Kendall, you keep Carlos calm. I'll be right back." He stood up and before they could stop him, he sprinted off in the direction of the parking lot.

"Where are you going?" Kendall yelled after him. He couldn't believe what was happening. Carlos could be dying and Logan had left them. Logan. The only one who had a clue what to do. He heard James speaking quickly into the phone and he heard Carlos' ragged breathing, each gasp for air harder than the last. "It's going to be okay, Carlos." He tried to do what Logan had told him and keep Carlos calm but he was failing miserably.

Carlos felt tears burning his eyes from the strain that the attack was causing his lungs. As much as he fought to stay calm, it had been so long since he had last had an attack that he was unused to the constricting of his airway. Black spots danced in front of his vision as he choked and gasped. He vaguely noticed that Logan was gone and he wondered where he was.

"They're coming." James said, dropping the phone to the grass. "Carlos, just hang on okay? Help is coming. They're going to help you. You just have to hang on for about five more minutes." He actually had been told by the woman he talked to on the phone that it could be ten minutes but he didn't want Carlos to panic.

Carlos panicked anyway. There was no way he could wait five more minutes. He needed to breath now and he couldn't. His labored breathing tightened even more and as Kendall and James watched helplessly, his face whitened and his lips became tinged with blue. He felt a darkness tugging at him and he fell back limply.

Before he hit the grass a pair of arms stopped his descent and propped him back up. An inhaler was placed in his mouth and he heard a voice telling him to inhale. He reached up with a shaking hand to push down on the inhaler and release his medication but there was already a hand there and again a voice told him to inhale.

So he did, fighting the powerful urge to cough. He inhaled as best as he could and then struggled to hold that breath and let the medication work. It worked but not enough and the last thing Carlos remembered was the scream of an ambulance.

* * *

It wasn't that he had never been to a hospital before. He had five little sisters and had seen them all shortly after they were born. Then there was the time he broke his arm trying to skateboard across a row of picnic tables. There was also that awful time he and Logan had been stranded in the middle of a blizzard in Minnesota and Logan had almost died. Carlos was actually quite accustomed to hospitals. But when he opened his eyes and found himself in a hospital bed, he found himself struggling to remember what happened.

"Carlos, you're awake!" Kendall's voice was full of relief and his green eyes looked carefully over Carlos. "How're you feeling?" He asked softly.

Carlos could only stare at Kendall for a second. James and Logan were there too and all three of them looked absolutely horrible. Their faces were pale and they looked shaky, especially Logan, who Kendall and James had close between them. Logan looked seconds away from falling apart completely. "Um, I'm okay." The day's earlier events came back to him. No wonder his friends looked scared to death. Had he almost died?

"Yes." Logan whispered. Carlos couldn't tell if he had spoken the question out loud or if Logan had simply read his mind. Logan drew in a ragged breath and continued. "You had a really horrible asthma attack and you didn't have your inhaler with you."

Carlos nodded. He knew that much. But something didn't add up. "But then why-"

"Logan had one of your extra inhalers in the car." James spoke for the first time. His voice shook but he tightened his grip around Logan and went on. "He ran to get it. When he came back he shoved it in your mouth. It was almost too late. You passed out but you were breathing more normally."

"Then the ambulance came." Kendall finished. "The doctors told us that you would be fine but they want to keep you overnight for observation."

"Guys, I'm really sorry." Carlos apologized. "I was positive I had my inhaler with me but I must have forgotten it somehow. Everything would have been fine if I had made sure."

"It wasn't all your fault." Kendall disagreed gently. "We should have said something too. I guess it's been so long that we just assumed that you had it or. . ." He trailed off a shrugged. "I don't know."

"Logan, you saved my life." Carlos turned to his other friend. "Thank you. I don't know what would have happened if you didn't have that inhaler with you."

"I didn't have it with me." Logan shook his head. "I had it in the car. If I did have it with me then you wouldn't be here right now. You would have been fine. I should have-"

Carlos cut him off. "Logan, you can't seriously be blaming yourself for what happened." He said in disbelief.

James couldn't resist rolling his eyes but Carlos could tell that he was just upset. "That's what we've been trying to tell him." He said quietly. "But he's convinced himself that it was his fault anyway." He glared at Logan but there was only concern and frustration in the look. "Logan, even the doctors said that you saved Carlos. Even if you didn't have that extra inhaler with you, we were all panicking and you were the only one who stayed calm."

Logan laughed humorlessly. "I was _not_ calm." He studied his shoes for a minute before lifting his gaze to study Carlos. "I was scared." He finally admitted, his eyes brimming with unshed tears.

"Oh, Logan." For a minute, Carlos didn't know what to do or say. He was the youngest of their group. The baby. His friends had always protected and comforted him. And despite the fact that he had almost died that day, he found himself needing to give comfort instead of receive it. "I'm really sorry."

Logan sniffed. "It's not your fault."

"It's not your fault either." Carlos pointed out. "I guess it was all of us. We were just a little too careless." He bit his lip, uncertain if he was even saying the right things but Kendall and James nodded in agreement so he kept going. "Logan, I almost died today but if you hadn't been there. . . then I definitely would have died. So you saved my life. I'm just sorry that I scared you guys so much."

"You sure did scare us." Kendall forced a laugh. "But you're okay now and that's what matters. And I for one will do my best to make sure that something like this never happens again."

"Me too." James nodded his head quickly.

"I don't think I have to say that I'm with them." Logan spoke up, finally smiling. "It's pretty obvious, isn't it?" He shook his head. "I don't ever want to think I've lost one of my best friends ever again." He shot a quick glance at James who merely met his stare with a blank expression.

Kendall's sarcastic laugh broke up the stare. "You're one to talk, Logan." He said weakly. "How many trips to the hospital have you made?"

"Um," Logan blushed slightly. "Four

"There!" Carlos said triumphantly. He ruined the effect by interrupting it with a brief coughing fit. He took a sip of the glass of water handed to him by Kendall then spoke again. "Now you know how I felt that day." He frowned as the nightmarish memory came rushing back. Logan had almost frozen to death.

"And all those other days." James nudged Logan gently. "I think we all need to take a break from scaring the crap out of each other."

"Well you and Kendall haven't been too bad." Carlos pointed out. "I mean, Kendall was with Logan when the tornado hit but he didn't get hurt. You're even better, James."

Logan cleared his throat and traded another look with James, this one not escaping the attention of their other friends. But he spoke up before they could say anything. "I'm with James. Let's all try to cut back on the near death experiences."

Carlos nodded. "Okay with me. As long as you stop blaming yourself for what happened today, Logan."

Logan smiled wearily. "I guess I don't have much of a choice, do I?" He asked.

"No." Kendall, James, and Carlos said at the same time. They laughed and high-fived each other before Carlos turned back to Logan. "Are you okay now?"

Logan nodded. "Yeah." He whispered. "I am. Thanks, guys."

"Thank _you, _Logan." Carlos pulled his friend into a hug. "You saved my life."

"Isn't he a hero?" James asked dramatically.

Logan freed himself from Carlos' embrace to send James a warning look. His face was bright red with embarrassment. He blushed even more when Kendall and Carlos nodded their heads enthusiastically.

"I was just in the right place at the right time." He muttered quietly, as he ducked his head.

"You sure do a lot of that." James muttered back. When Logan glared at him again, he raised his hands in surrender and fell silent.

Carlos and Kendall gave them funny looks. "Are you guys okay?" Carlos asked hesitantly.

"We're fine." Logan answered before James could say anything. "You're okay, Carlos. That's all that matters right now."

**A/N. I just realized that I put Carlos in the hospital instead of Logan. Hahaha. That's funny right? Ignore me and my twisted sense of humor please. One of these days, I swear I'm doing to die on fluffy and angsty bromance. Until then, I hope you liked this! Especially my Fan Fiction Husband! Haha! Please review!**


	6. Words

**A/N. I know I said I had a new story, 'Triangle' coming up but I also have a few one-shot ideas so I decided to get them out of the way first. Also, in case you're wondering about 'Innocence Lost'. . . Writer's Block. Anyway, this idea came from watching 'Big Time Concert' when the boys are back in Minnesota and James calls Logan's dream of being a doctor "stupid". I read way too much into everything. Lol. Hope it's worth your time. I don't own anything.**

He shouldn't let it both him so much. James had been mad at them. Everyone said things they didn't really mean when they were mad. James was his friend. He couldn't have possibly meant what he said back in Minnesota. And yet a seed of doubt had been placed in Logan's mind and no matter what he tried to ignore it, he found himself wondering if James really did think that his dream of being a doctor was stupid. That question only brought on more questions.

Why did he think it was stupid? James couldn't think that doctors themselves were stupid. They saved people's lives. They were heroes. They were brilliant too. What could James have against doctors? So it must be him. Logan. Maybe James didn't think that Logan was smart enough to be a doctor. Maybe he didn't think that Logan could graduate from medical school and get a job in a hospital. Maybe he didn't think that Logan was brave enough to be charged with human lives.

Logan had always struggled with self doubt. His mother had been one of the most amazing, encouraging persons in his life. But when she died when he was just six years old, Logan had lost that encouragement. And his father, whom Logan actually took after with his brilliance, had withdrawn into himself. No matter what Logan tried, he couldn't claim his father's attention. Even though he continually brought home report cards with straight A's on them, it was never enough to pull Ryan Mitchell away from his work as a lawyer. Every kid needed encouragement. They needed to hear that they were good at something. Logan heard it from his teachers and quite often his friends. But he wanted to hear it from his dad too. He wanted his father to be proud of him.

That was one of the reasons his drive to study was so intense. Even though the boys now lived in California with Kendall's mom, Logan still worked hard in his school work and sent home his report cards for his father to see. His friends alternated between teasing him and being proud of him. Logan also knew that they felt sorry for him.

Maybe that was it. Maybe all those years, James had just felt sorry for him. Maybe deep down, he really didn't think that Logan was smart enough. Maybe he didn't think he was brave enough. Good enough. That led to Logan facing one of the biggest problems of his sixteen years. If he really didn't have what it took to be a doctor then what could he do?

James was amazing. He had everything. He had the good looks that grabbed everyone's attention. He had the personality that made everyone love him. He had an incredible voice and he could dance better than most of the people featured on the MTV dance and music videos that Logan had ever seen. He was funny, friendly, and confident. He was everything that Logan was not.

Kendall was their leader. He had always been and Logan knew that as long as their friendship remained, Kendall would stay their leader. He was fine with that too. Kendall was sure of himself too. He had always dreamed of being a professional hockey player and Logan never doubted for a second that his dream would come true. But Kendall was also incredibly selfless and supportive when it came to his best friends. He had put his dream on hold to fly all the way out to California to help James with his dream. And he was a great son and brother to Mrs. Knight and Katie. When his parents divorced when the boys were eleven, Kendall became the man of the house. Logan could have never handled the role the way Kendall did. His relationship with his father was still strong too. Not like the pathetic mess that Logan had with his own father.

Carlos. It was impossible for Logan to remain completely miserable when he thought of his younger friend. That was the way Carlos was. He made everything and everyone happier. He was kind, too kind and innocent. He liked everybody and everybody liked him. He never failed to cheer Logan up. But he was also really brave too. His father was a policeman and he hoped to follow in his footsteps. Whatever he ended up doing, Logan knew that Carlos would succeed at.

So where did that leave him? He couldn't sing as well as the others and even though his dancing skills were improving, he knew that he was behind the others in that category as well. It was like he had two left feet sometimes. Logan always felt bad when everyone was doing so well and he found a way to screw the rehearsal up. He didn't know how long Bi Time Rush would last but he knew that when it did, James would have his own solo career, Kendall would be a hockey player in the NHL, and Carlos would be a police officer. What would he be doing?

He had always wanted to be a doctor. It never occurred to him to have a back-up plan. He wasn't really good at anything else other than school. So he wasn't horrible at hockey and the whole boy band thing. He just didn't have what it took to have a long, successful career in those areas. That brought on another worry.

Was he slowing Big Time Rush down? Was he holding them back? It made Logan sick to think that his friends might be better off without him. He didn't want them to go on without him but that was selfish of him. If he was a better friend, he would quit and go back to the small town in Minnesota where he belonged as a nameless individual. A nobody.

Logan thought back to the time when their group had almost been changed by the narcissistic headcase that was Wally Dully, or as he was better known as, Wayne Wayne. He had almost replaced one of them. And even though that it had been Kendall of all people that Wally had almost replaced, everyone had been betting on Logan. Gustavo, Griffin, even James. That meant something, didn't it?

Logan wished he could stop the thoughts that were careening around in his mind. He wished he could be more like James and be more talented in everything he did. He wished he could be more like Kendall and have more confidence in himself. He wished he could be more like Carlos and simply enjoy life. Those wishes brought on the worst possible thought that Logan could ever have:

Why were they even his friends?

"Logan?" James waved a hand in front of his best friend's face and grinned when Logan snapped out of his deep thoughts with a dazed expression on his face. "Kendall and Carlos and I were thinking of grabbing some smoothies and going to sit by the pool. Wanna come?"

It was a brutally hot day in Los Angeles, California, the outdoor temperature soaring to the triple digits. James self-consciously ran a hand through his silky brown hair as he waited for Logan to respond. The humidity was not good for his hair. It was a good thing he had his 'Cuda products.

Logan didn't feel like getting a smoothie. He didn't feel like sitting by the pool. He didn't know what he wanted and it left him feeling confused. He wanted to hang out with his friends but he wondered if he really belonged with them after all. He wondered if he deserved them. Then he realized that James was still waiting for him to reply and he forced a smile on his face. "I'm pretty tired today, James. Gustavo worked us really hard today. I think I'm just going to relax in my room with a book." He waited for James to make a teasing remark about how he always had his nose in a book, how he was never any fun. But it never came.

Instead James frowned. "Are you sure?" He asked, sounding confused and almost hurt that Logan had refused his offer to hang out with them. He hesitantly placed a hand on Logan's forehead but he couldn't tell if Logan felt warm because he was actually sick or because it was so hot. "Are you okay, Logan?"

To his dismay, Logan felt tears come to his eyes at James' concern. So many people thought that James cared only for himself. But that was only on the outside. On the inside, James was frighteningly perceptive and caring. He cared more for his friends than he did himself. Logan pulled away from James' hand and nodded. "Yeah." He stood up, faking a yawn and surprising himself when it ended up being real. He hadn't lied to James when he said that he was tired and that Gustavo had worked them hard. It had been a particularly hard dance session and Logan really wanted to take a nap and forget it ever happened. "Go on without me, okay? I'll see you guys later on." Without waiting for a response he left the large family room and headed off into the privacy of his own bedroom.

He picked up one of his medical textbooks and flopped down on his bed. But as he stared at the words on the pages, he couldn't concentrate. Instead all he heard was James telling him over and over again that his dream was stupid. He let the book slid from his grasp and land with a thump on the carpeted floor. He laid his head down his pillow and shut his eyes, trying to block out the voices in his head.

"_Dude, you don't sing!"_

"_He is just plain awful."_

"_You can't sing or dance!"_

"_Our little Logie. So pessimistic."_

"_So scared of everything."_

"_Deke is going to think you're geeky."_

"_You are pathetic."_

"_Those dreams are stupid."_

_

* * *

_

James clumsily balanced the two smoothie cups in one hand and knocked on Logan's door with the other. "Logan, I brought you a smoothie, buddy!" Without waiting for a reply, he turned he knob and stepped into Logan's room. "Hey!" He exclaimed cheerfully when he saw his friend sprawled out across his bed, his face to the wall. "Come on, man wake up. You've been resting for like two hours now. I brought your favorite, raspberry. I made sure that there were no seeds in it too. I know you-" James stopped mid-way through his chatter when Logan sat up. He nearly dropped the smoothies and had just enough rational thought to place them on the nightstand before sitting down next to his friend. "Logan. What's the matter?"

Logan wanted to sink down under his covers and not resurface until Christmas. He was humiliated. He had cried himself to sleep like the little baby he truly was and had awoken to James walking into his room. It was obvious that he had been crying because James immediately noticed when he turned to face him. Still. "Nothing." He sniffed. "Allergies."

"Logan, I've known you since were were five and you've never had allergies." James reminded him.

"So?" Logan asked, still desperate to keep the charade going. "There's a first time for everything."

"Logie," James had turned desperate too and used their pet name for Logan, knowing that the blatant show of affection almost always worked to draw Logan out of his shell. "What's wrong? Please."

Logan sighed and gave up the pretense and tried a new one. "It's no big deal." He said quietly. "Really. Don't worry about me." Before James could say anything he tried to distract his friend. "Where are Kendall and Carlos?"

"Kendall went to the park with Jo and Carlos is trying to teach Tyler how to play hockey." James informed him. "I brought you up a smoothie because I thought you could use the sugar. You're looking kinda pale, Logan. Have you been sleeping?"

"James, I'm fine." Logan insisted. "I told you. I'm just tired because we worked so hard today."

"Okay, well, I don't believe you." James said in a matter-of-fact tone. "And I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong."

James could be impossible stubborn. Logan sighed again. "It's no big deal." He repeated.

"If it's no big deal, then you should be able to tell me." James pointed out.

He wasn't going to give up. Logan could see that. He dropped his gaze from James' worried eyes and stared at his hands. "Do you. . . Do you really think my dream of becoming a doctor is stupid?" He asked in a rush.

Words. They were risky. Once you said them, you could never take them back. They were gone and all you had left was what you felt after you spoke them. James had nothing but regret for telling Logan and Kendall and Carlos that they had been stupid but he never realized the full impact of his words until now.

Logan had always been sensitive. He has always struggled with his confidence despite the fact that he was brilliant and nice and loveable and so many other things. It was his father's fault for not giving the approval that every child craved and deserved. But because he never got that approval from his father, Logan needed his friends to support him even more. James had failed him.

He had been mad at them and they had been mad at him. It had been the worst fight they had ever been in and it had almost destroyed their friendship forever. But that was no excuse. There was no excuse for hurting Logan the way he had.

The silence was deafening. Logan shifted uncomfortably as he waited for James to respond. He forced himself to meet his friend's gaze and instantly flinched away when he saw that disbelief, the hurt, and more than anything, the guilt in James' hazel eyes.

"Logan, no." James finally managed to speak. "Why would you ever think that? I'm sorry, Logan. I'm so sorry I ever said that to you. I was mad but that doesn't make it right. It's great that you want to be a doctor, Logan. You want to help people and that's amazing. It's not stupid at all."

"Do you think it's stupid because I'm not smart enough then?" Logan asked quietly.

James couldn't hold back the laughter that followed the question, but it was empty and humorless. "You? Not smart enough? You're the smartest person I know and that's including every teacher I've ever had, Logan. You know everything about everything and everyone."

A small smile tugged at the corners of Logan's lips but that was all. "I don't know that much." He disagreed.

"Well, you know a lot then." James said firmly.

"Is that all I have though?" Logan was back to doubting himself. "Knowledge? What good is that? Sure, I may know a lot and maybe I'll be a doctor but what else do I have?"

James looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," Logan fidgeted restlessly. "You can sing and dance and everyone likes you and you're god at everything you try. Kendall is a great hockey player and he has great leadership skills and he's a great friend. Carlos makes everyone feel better and makes everyone happy and he's going to be a police officer probably. He's fun. You all are. And I'm a coward who's scared of everything and I can't sing and I always mess up during dance rehearsal and-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." James held up his hands. "Stop, Logan." He ran a hand anxiously through his hair. "Logan, did I do this to you?" He whispered, feeling tears crowd in the backs of his eyes. Logan didn't confirm his guess but he didn't deny it either and James had his answer. "Oh, Logan." He whispered. "I am so sorry."

"It's not your fault." Logan shook his head. "I'm just not good at anything and it makes me wonder why you guys are my friends in the first place. I always ruin your fun. I'm boring and I can't really do anything but get straight A's."

"You're our best friend." James said, wanting more than anything for Logan to believe him. "You're not boring. You're funny. And you're a terrific friend, Logan. You're loyal. Every time we do something stupid, you're right there with us because you don't want us to go down by ourselves. And you can sing, Logan. Have you heard yourself? You've got an amazing voice."

"What about my dancing?" Logan asked doubtfully. "I'm such a klutz."

"No one's perfect." James bit his lip. "I mean, Kendall is a great leader sure, but he can get a little too controlling and bossy. Carlos isn't always as serious as he needs to be. And me, I'm a jerk."

"You? How?"

"Logan, do you even need to ask that?" James stood up to see his friend better. "Okay, maybe I'm not a jerk all the time but I can be. I hurt you. I made you cry." His voice dropped down to a shaky whisper. "I'm so sorry, Logan."

The guilt was nearly suffocating. He wished more than anything that he could take back the hateful words he had said because it had obviously set off a vicious chain reaction in Logan's mind. What kind of friend was he?

Logan shrugged, the smile on his face more genuine. "It's okay, James. I'm just too sensitive. You were mad and I should know that. It's not-"

"It is a big deal." James interrupted. "You put your selfless dream on hold to help me with my self-absorbed one. And instead of thanking you, I did this to you. Friends are supposed to help and support and encourage each other. I didn't encourage you at all. I failed you as a friend and I'm really sorry. I don't blame you if you don't want to forgive me."

"Why wouldn't I?" Logan looked so honestly puzzled that James felt even worse.

"Because you're one of my best friends and after all you did for me, I made you do this to yourself. I don't deserve your forgiveness."

"But it's okay." Logan found it weird how quickly the roles had been switched. Just minutes ago, he had been upset and James had been comforting him. Now his doubts had been erased and he just felt bad for making James feel so horribly guilty with his overreaction. "I overreacted, James."

"It's more than that though." James said. "I took you guys for granted because all I could think about was myself and my dream. I realized something though. My original dream had been a solo career where everyone would love me and only me. Then I got that with Hawk Records. But it was so. . . wrong. My dream is nothing without you guys and even though I had everything with Hawk, I had nothing because I didn't have you guys. I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing." Logan finally pleaded. "You said it yourself, James. No one's perfect. Stop beating yourself over something that happened in the past. Let's just. . . move on. Forgive and forget."

"You really forgive me?" James sat back down next to Logan. He wasn't really surprised. That was Logan. Too forgiving. He knew that he would eventually forget too. James wished he could forgive and forget about his harsh words as easily. Because even if Logan really did forgive him, James doubted he would ever forget learning the full impact those angry words had on his best friend.

Logan nodded and James felt his tense posture relax. "Yeah. Of course I do. I overreacted and I should have known better. I'm sorry too."

James shook his head. "I don't really understand what you're apologizing for but I forgive you, Logan."

Logan grinned and James felt his heart lighten at the sight.

"We good then?' He asked a little hesitantly.

Logan nodded and held out a hand for James to shake. "Definitely."

James shook his hand and then pulled his friend into a quick hug. When they drew apart he smiled and then asked, "You want to go get some more smoothies then?" He asked, nodding to the melted substance in the two plastic cups.

Logan laughed. "Yeah. Let's go."

James dumped the cups in the trash can and pulled Logan to his feet. "Come on," He said, wrapping an arm around the smaller boy's shoulders. "Sounds good."

**A/N. Well. All done. I have both seasons of BTR on iTunes and I browsed through each episode, looking for quotes that would make Logan feel more angsty. I'm a horrible person. I should try writing something happy for once. ANYWAY. Please review!**


	7. Seeking Solace

**A/N. I promise one day that I will write another happy one-shot with the boys and also when they're younger because they're so freaking cute. I also promise that I'll write more that focus on characters other than James and Logan. But that day isn't today so. . . deal with it. Lol. I'm sorry. This was just begging to be written. I don't own anything.**

"_I think I caught a glimpse of a life without friends. Bitter, empty, hollow, dark and lonely. We never meant to hurt each other, so can we trust again and take it as a chance to keep on growing." - 'We need Each Other' by Sanctus Real._

When James was little he suffered from night terrors. There was a time when he didn't go a week without waking up, screaming at the top of his lungs because of the monsters that seemed to lay in wait for him. As he grew older, the problem had become so severe that for three days straight, James stopped sleeping all together. After that, he was never able to fall into a deep sleep ever again. Insomnia. That was what Logan called it. James didn't care. Anything was better than the nightmares.

What made the insomnia even more bearable was the fact that Logan suffered from it too. He and James often had late night conversations that went into the early hours of the morning. It comforted James to know that he wasn't alone. He had Logan right by his side. Even though Logan wasn't exactly the bravest person in the world, he always made James feel better. But now James wondered if he had lost his best friend. The fear that he had ruined his friendship with Logan was worse than all of the nightmares he had ever had combined.

James closed his eyes but the image didn't fade. The hurt in Logan's eyes after he learned that his best friend and his girlfriend had kissed was still there, as clear as if James was seeing it for the first time. Knowing that he had been the cause of Logan's pain was the worst thing in the world.

Logan hadn't spoken to him since that day. It had only happened yesterday but to James it felt like an eternity. James had actually been counting the hours. Twenty-seven hours since Logan had said anything to him and even then it had been, "I thought you were my friend."

Tears burned the backs of James' eyes but he stubbornly blinked them away. The guilt was unbearable. He couldn't stand going on like this for much longer. He needed Logan to listen to him. He needed Logan to at least listen to his pathetic excuse for an apology. He needed Logan.

Just then there was a knock at James' door and Logan walked in the bedroom and without a word, sat down on James' desk chair, facing James who sat on his bed. His face was paler than normal and dark circles rested uneasily under his eyes. Obviously James hadn't been the only one who had endured a sleepless night.

Before James could open his mouth to say anything, Logan was already talking. "I'm sorry." He glanced down at the floor and continued speaking, ignoring the look of disbelief on James' face. "I hate fighting with you like this, James. I should have at least listened to you yesterday when you tried to talk to me. I was just so. . . shocked that I couldn't think straight. But last night. . . I couldn't sleep. All I could think of was how we've been through way too much together for me to just throw it all away over one kiss. I overreacted and-"

"You're kidding right?" James finally found his voice and interrupted Logan. "You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. I'm the one who kissed your girlfriend. Of course you were mad. You have every right to never forgive me, Logan. But I'm going to ask for your forgiveness anyway. I'm sorry, Logan. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you and it kills me that I did. I let you down as a friend." His voice broke on the last word and James brushed away the tears that had started to fall.

Logan instantly moved from his spot at James' desk to right next to James. He tentatively put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "It's okay, James. I forgive you."

"How can you?" James whispered brokenly. "It's not like I broke your favorite toy or something like that, Logan. I screwed up really bad this time. I kissed your girlfriend." He couldn't meet Logan's gaze and buried his face in his hands.

He heard Logan laugh softly. "I know you kissed my girlfriend, James." He said quietly. "And yeah, it hurt a lot when I first found out. If I'm being perfectly honest, it still hurts a lot." He watched as James flinched slightly at his words. "But it's not worth losing our friendship over." He added, shaking James' shoulder and trying to get him to look up.

"Did you talk to Camille?" James asked instead of responding to Logan's statement about their friendship. If he had been looking he would have seen that it was Logan's turn to flinch.

"Yeah." Logan let his hand slide off of James' shoulder and he clasped both hands together tightly, intertwining his fingers. "I. . . I broke up with her. I decided that maybe it would be better if we took a break from the whole relationship thing. We're still friends though."

If James had felt badly before, he certainty felt worse. He pulled his hands away from his face to look at Logan. "But Logan. . . you guys were so great together."

Logan shrugged. "I guess. I mean I liked her and I thought she liked me-"

"She was crazy about you." James insisted. "She still is crazy about you."

Logan looked doubtful. "Maybe." He sighed. "James, this doesn't mean we'll never get back together. We might and we might not. But either way she'll still be a good friend. We talked and she's willing to take a break and think things over. We're okay."

"It's my fault though."

Logan rolled his eyes. "You were both kissing." He told James. "Camille is to blame as much as you are."

"Logan, I don't understand." James stood up and started pacing the room. "How can you just forgive me like this? You're acting like it's no big deal."

"It is a big deal." Logan watched James walk back and forth. "But our friendship is more important. I'd rather have you, Carlos and Kendall as my friends than anything else."

James stopped and looked at Logan. The hurt was still in his brown eyes but it was dimmed by the concern and worry he had for James. "Really?" He asked quietly.

In answer, Logan stood up and pulled James into a hug. His arms tightened when he felt James lean into the embrace. Then he pulled away, still making sure that James was looking at him. "Yes." He said firmly. "I just wish that I had forgiven you earlier. I'm sorry I hurt you, James."

James finally smiled then. "Yeah well, I deserved it."

Logan shrugged. "Maybe." He grinned and gave James a small shove. "But I'm still sorry." He held out his hand. "So are we cool?"

James took his hand and shook it. "We're cool. Thanks, Logan."

"Anytime."

**A/N. LOL. This was short and stupid, wasn't it? I'm sorry. It had to be written but I also need to save the angsty James and Logan bromance for 'Triangle'. . . Review?**


	8. Waiting

**A/N. After this one I'm going to write a one-shot that doesn't focus on James and Logan. I promise. But this was inspired by One Man Writing Games' Jagan fic called, 'Feel Alive'. This isn't slash I just get inspired way too easily by certain people. Lol. So read and review this and then go read and review 'Feel Alive' because it's incredible and I love it and her very much. I don't own anything.**

"_It's probably just a cold."_

James stared unseeingly at the TV that was mounted high up and the wall of the hospital waiting room. He didn't know what the news broadcasters were talking about and he didn't care. They could have been talking about anything from the winner of _American Idol_ to the war in Iraq. It didn't matter. James didn't care about _American Idol_ and there was nothing he could do about what was happening across the ocean. There was a war that was raging inside of his heart and there was nothing he could do about that either. The fear was too strong.

He tore his blind gaze away from the muted television and looked around him. He hoped he would never have to come back to the hospital for something like this. Logan had been sick for just over two weeks with flu-like symptoms and finally, he had called Doctor Walsh to see if he could have an unscheduled check-up. James had been afraid for Logan since he started getting sick and when he called the doctor and was told to come right in, the fear doubled so that the familiar struggle to breath had returned. A bitter smile crossed James' face as he took in his surroundings. It was just like old times.

Kendall paced back and forth, eyes on the floor that he seemed intent on wearing a hole through. Every couple of minutes, he would stop long enough to glance at the large clock on the wall and then at his watch as if he was positive that the clock was wrong and that time was going faster than it seemed. Then he would look at Carlos and James, worry in his green eyes. James wanted to tell him that he only needed to worry about Logan and not them but he knew Kendall's fears for all of them were justified.

Carlos was quiet. He had placed himself in a chair that faced directly with the doors that Logan had disappeared through and he had yet to move from that spot. There were tears in his huge brown eyes, ready to fall, but Carlos was still holding it together as if he was afraid that losing his composure meant admitting something. The younger boy seemed to sense James' stare and he glanced briefly at his friend and shot him a quick smile before returning his stare to the doors.

James tried to return Carlos' smile but his face felt stiff and useless. His mouth refused to obey him and James couldn't help thinking of the time they were nine and Logan had told them that it took more muscles to frown than to smile and that made him wonder why more people in the world weren't happier if it was easier that way. James knew the answer now. Because life was unfair.

He had been trying for the last few days to tell himself that Logan was right. That he just had a bad cold or maybe even the flu. But the fact that it wasn't going away or that he didn't seem to be getting any better, ruined his optimism and brought back memories.

All James could think of was the first time Logan had been diagnosed with cancer. He had been sick for a while but everyone assumed that he was under a lot of pressure with school and Big Time Rush and they felt sure that once his schedule slowed down, Logan would be able to get proper rest and get better. But they had been so wrong.

Logan had battled with his cancer for a solid year and during that time there had been so many ups and downs that it made James emotionally dizzy to recall them. But in the end, it was worth it because the memory of Logan telling them that his cancer was gone made all of the bad memories fade.

He had been in remission for seven months now and the more time that passed the more James had allowed himself to relax. Logan went once a month to the hospital for a examination and every time he had walked back over to them with a smile on his face, the expression more than enough to tell them that everything was good and right.

But now. . . Now what? James didn't know what to think. He didn't want to be afraid for no good reason. He didn't want to overreact because Logan hated that. He hated it when people worried about him unnecessarily. Still what if they continued shrugging off Logan's illness as a cold and it turned out to be his cancer back to tear them apart?

Logan was the one who had wanted to be a doctor since they were little kids. James didn't really know a whole lot about cancer. He just knew that it was a horrible disease and there was no cure. He knew that the treatments for it were often dangerous and life-threatening which seemed like a joke since they were supposed to help. He knew that cancer weakened the body so that organs could start failing and shut down and that cancer patients often died from complications brought on by cancer and not by the cancer itself. That was happened to Logan.

James wrapped his arms around himself and fought back the tidal wave of terror that the memories had brought with them. He wished he could just stop thinking until Logan came back out and told them that he was okay. What if he didn't though? What if he came out and told them that his cancer was back? What then? Another thing that James knew was that a person in remission was re-diagnosed, it was harder for them to fight for some reason. He thought that was horrible. If someone had beaten their cancer the first time, they should have an even better shot at beating it a second time. It shouldn't have to be harder.

He hated waiting. Time seemed to crawl by and the worst thing was the fact that James had no idea when they had first arrived. Because after Logan had given into Kendall's pleas and called Doctor Walsh, James had stopped being aware of everything but his three friends. He merely felt like he was sitting and watching the world as it continued to operate normally.

A movement to his left caught James' attention and dragged him out of his stupor enough to see that Carlos had jumped to his feet and was running over to the doors when Logan had finally appeared. They weren't that far away but it was just enough so that James couldn't see the expression on Logan's face. Instead he saw Carlos reach him and after exchanging a handful of words, Carlos had Logan trapped in one of his enormous hugs, clutching him tightly. Then James saw Carlos' shoulders start to shake slightly and he froze, unable to move at all, much less stand up and walk over to his friends.

He heard Kendall say something and watched as the blonde walked over to the other boys. He finally managed to pry Logan away from Carlos and James watched as Logan nodded his head to Kendall's question. Then Kendall hugged him and James felt his heart sink and the fear that had been eating away at him the entire time they had been waiting, rose to the surface and rendered him completely paralyzed. His head dropped into his hands and he fought back the waves of nausea and dizziness that were overwhelming him.

Dimly, James heard three pairs of footsteps and then he felt a hand on his shoulder and he realized that Logan was kneeling in front of him, his expression too hard to read. "Logan?" He finally managed to choke out.

"Hey, James." Logan said softly. He glanced up at Kendall and Carlos who sat down on either side of James.

James felt his eyes fill with tears at the gesture and his last bit of hope started to slip away when Logan spoke again.

"It's okay, James. I'm fine."

"What?" James relaxed his tense posture and looked at Logan incredulously.

Logan laughed and it was so natural and so genuine but at the same time filled with concern. He sobered instantly and nodded. "I'm fine, James. Doctor Walsh and his team ran a bunch of tests and every time they came back the same. I'm okay. There's nothing wrong."

"So the cancer isn't back?" James was almost positive of this fact but he still needed to ask.

Logan nodded again and then stopped. "I mean no, it's not back." He let out a huge sigh after he said the words as if hearing himself say them made it even better. "I'm sorry we scared you so much. Carlos started crying because he was scared too and Kendall asked me if I was okay. I probably should have told you all at the same time."

"We're sorry, James." Carlos sounded apologetic but the relief in his voice dominated the apology. "I just saw Logan and I had to know."

Kendall placed a hand gently on James' shoulder. "Everything's okay, James."

James realized the he had probably ruined Logan's good news with his babyish reaction because everyone's smiles had frozen and they were all staring at him in concern. He sat up and ran his fingers through his hair. "So you're okay?" He asked Logan because it felt so good to say and to hear Logan say that he was.

Logan stood up and pulled James to his feet, Kendall and Carlos mimicking his action. "I'm fine, James. Doctor Walsh said that I just have a bad case of the flu. He prescribed an antibiotic for me and we can pick it up at the drugstore on the way home. By next week, everything should be back to normal."

James couldn't speak so he pulled Logan into a hug. He didn't care if they had attracted everyone's attention. He only cared that Logan was going to be okay. He felt Kendall and Carlos join in on the hug and smiled for the first time since before Logan had called Doctor Walsh earlier that say. Logan was okay. They were all okay.

**A/N. Another short one-shot. Lol. This one was probably stupid too. I should update an actual story, shouldn't I? Chapter two of 'Triangle' is coming up next, I promise. Review?**


	9. Tears

**A/N. I decided to write a one-shot because I have -gasp- Writer's Block with 'Innocence Lost' and I just updated 'Triangle' and I'd like to leave my favorite people hanging just a little while longer. -dies- I don't own anything.**

Six-year-old Carlos Garcia stared out the window, watching the rain as it came pouring down from the black sky. Lightening flashed and thunder clapped loudly. He flinched but he didn't pull away. Instead he pressed his face closer to the cold glass window, straining to see better.

"Carlos, come away from the window, sweetie." His mother reprimanded him gently. She placed a hand on his small shoulder and gave it a slight shake to get her son's attention. "Come on. Kendall and James are here. You three can play a game until Logan gets here and then you can watch your movie together."

"When is Logie gonna get here, Mama?" Carlos inquired, impatiently. "He was supposed to be here forever ago!"

Mrs. Garcia smiled and shook her head. "Don't be silly. He was only supposed to be here ten minutes ago." She held up ten fingers to emphasize her point to the stubborn child who frowned and shook his head. "Carlos, Logan will be here soon. He and his mommy are probably waiting until it stops raining so hard."

"It's just rain." Carlos pouted but slid from his position on the high window seat to the floor and went to go join his other friends in the other room.

"Is Logan here yet?" James Diamond and Kendall Knight asked simultaneously when they saw Carlos. Their matching, eager grins faded when he shook his head.

"My mommy said that he has to wait until it stops raining." Carlos sighed and plopped down beside the other boys. He glanced up out the nearby window. "It's probably going to rain forever though."

"Well," Kendall followed his gaze. "Maybe he'll come in his daddy's boat!" His green eyes lit up with excitement when he remembered Mr. Mitchell's red canoe.

James eyed the rain doubtfully. "I dunno." He said quietly. It's raining an awful lot. Logie doesn't like to get wet unless he's swimming."

Kendall sighed. "Maybe. I just wish he would hurry up so we can watch our movie." He looked at Carlos. "What movie did you pick anyway, Carlos?"

Carlos grinned. "_The Lion King_!" He proclaimed proudly.

Both Kendall and James brightened at the thought. _The Lion King_ was one of their favorite movies."Man, I wish it would stop raining so that Logan could get here." James got up, abandoning the game of _Candyland_ and walked over to the window. He looked at Kendall and Carlos with wide, serious eyes. "Do you think it'll ever stop raining? What if it just keeps raining forever and ever?"

Carlos' eyes went as wide as James'. "Then we'd live in a house boat!" He and Kendall joined James. "We could fish from my window and go swimming whenever we wanted to."

"What are you boys up to now?" Officer Carlos Garcia Senior walked into the room and smiled at the three small boys.

"Papa," Carlos smiled at him. "Wouldn't it be cool if it never stopped raining? Then we would just go higher and higher and we could fish and swim whenever we wanted to."

Carlos' father laughed as James and Kendall all nodded quickly. "Well, I don't know about that." he said, hating to deflate their bubble. "What if you got tired of those things? What else would you do?"

Kendall frowned thoughtfully. "We could go ice skating when it froze!" He exclaimed happily.

"You would say that." Mr. Garcia mused. He looked out the window. "It's really raining cats and dogs out there."

James leaned over to Carlos. "I don't see any cats or dogs." He whispered. "I think your dad is crazy."

"He is not!" Carlos said indignantly. But then he tipped his head to see his father. "Daddy, there aren't any cats and dogs outside."

"I forget how literal you three are." Mr. Garcia laughed again. "It's just an expression. I meant, it's raining really hard."

"We know that." James still looked confused by the adult's word choice. "Why didn't you just say that first?"

"I honestly have no idea." Mr. Garcia shook his head, then beckoned for the boys to step away from the window. "Come on. Watching isn't going to make the time go faster. You boys should be playing."

"We want to watch _The Lion King_ but we have to wait until Logie gets here." Carlos explained mournfully. "So we were going to play _Candyland _until he got here but we don't want to little red man to be lonely. Logan is always the little red man."

Mr. Garcia settled on the floor and patted the carpet beside him. "Do you think Logan will mind if I take his place this time?"

The three boys cheered up at the proposal of Carlos' fun-loving father playing with them. "Just be careful with him." Carlos said seriously. "Logie loves him." He held tightly to his own green piece and gave the yellow piece to James and the blue piece to Kendall. Then he looked back up at his father. "We always go from youngest to oldest. So I go, then James, then Kendall, and you have to go last. Logan usually goes after me but he's not here and you are."

"Okay." The small boy's father smiled and nodded to the deck of cards. "Go ahead then."

Carlos grinned happily and selected the first card. "I got a double green!" He showed them all before he skipped his game piece happily over every space until he reached his destination.

James went next. "I got Plumpy."

"Good." Kendall nodded. "Then we don't have to worry about getting him when we're at the top about to win." His friends all nodded in agreement and then the little blonde boy took his turn. "Aw, man." He said in a disappointed voice. "I only got purple." He slid his character dejectedly two spaces forward.

"There's plenty of game left, Kendall." Mr. Garcia said comfortingly. He took a card from the pile. "Who is this?" He asked, showing the card to his son.

"Oh man, he got Queen Frostine!" Carlos yelled. "That's the best card you can get!" The three boys eyed the card with jealously.

"She's so pretty." James sighed.

"Dude, she has _blue_ hair." Kendall laughed.

"So?" James shot his a dirty look. "I bet you like Grandma Nut, don't you?"

Carlos doubled over laughing at the expression that crossed Kendall's face. "I bet you do!" He gasped out in between giggles. "I like Princess Lolly." He added shyly.

"But then who does Logan get?" Kendall asked, forgetting all about denying the alleged crush he had on Grandma Nut. "He needs a girlfriend too."

James shook his head. "Logie is afraid of girls, remember?"

"I think you're all a little too young for girls." Mr. Garcia shook his head and got up to answer the phone that had started to ring. "Garcia residence." The boys watched curiously as his face turned suddenly serious. "Yes, I'll be right over there."

"What is it?" Mrs. Garcia walked in then and noticed the expression on her husband's face.

"That was Ron at the station. He tried to page me but I must have left my beeper in my coat pocket. There's been an accident up the road and they're a little short handed." The police officer walked quickly over to the door. "Good thing I have my patrol car here." He hastily shoved his feet into boots and found his badge. "I'll be back as soon as I can, okay?"

"Be careful." Mrs. Garcia watched him with worry in her eyes but tried to stay calm for the boys' sake. She gave her husband a quick kiss and then shut the door behind him. Then she looked at the boys with a wide smile. "So what were you boys playing?"

"_Candyland_." Despite the fact that he was losing from the very beginning, Kendall looked disappointed that the game had been interrupted. "Can you play instead?"

"I suppose I can play." Mrs. Garcia smiled as the three frowns were turned upside down. "What color am I?"

"Red. That's the color Logan always uses but he isn't here and Daddy isn't using him anymore so you can have him." Carlos made sure he had explained the situation thoroughly since it seemed his parents could become easily confused by the simple games he and his friends enjoyed so much.

The rain had finally started to slow as they played and by the time they finished, with Kendall winning after his bad start, all three boys turned down Mrs. Garcia's offer to play again so that they could resume their lookout for their other best friend.

"Mommy, the rain stopped. When is he going to be here?"

"I don't know, baby." Mrs. Garcia cleaned up the game pieces while the boys vied for the best position in front of the window. "Do you want to go outside and wait for him?"

"Yeah!" The boys ignored her requests that they pull on their shoes and coats and rushed out the front door.

"Look!" James shouted. "It's a rainbow!"

They all gazed up in awe at the bright, colorful band that stretched across the sky. The gray clouds had finally lifted and each color stood out on its own. It was beautiful.

But beautiful things could only hold the attention of a six-year-old for so long before they became interested in something more fun. To Mrs. Garcia's dismay, the three boys had taken notice of the huge puddles all over their lawn and were jumping in them and splashing one another. Resigned to the fact that she was too late to stop them, she smiled and sat down on the porch to watch.

The ringing of the phone inside interrupted her thoughts. Surprised, she glanced at her watch to see that a full half hour had passed since they all went outside. Carlos seemed to sense her distraction and ran up to her. "Mommy," He whined, pulling at the hem of her shirt. "Why isn't Logan here yet?"

Mrs. Garcia smiled and took his hand. "I don't know, sweetie. But I heard the phone ring just now. Maybe that was him. Why don't we all go in and get cleaned up?" She was grateful that Kendall and James had come with a change of clothes "just in case". They all walked in and she started upstairs to run the bath water for the three mud-covered boys when the phone rang again.

"Mommy, that's Logie!" Carlos shrieked in excitement. "Answer it! Hurry up!"

"Okay, okay. I'm going." Mrs. Garcia smiled. "Stay right here, okay?" She doubted that they would listen and instead, track mud all over the house but it was part of having three six-year-old boys in the house. She picked up the phone, interrupting it in the middle of it's fourth ring. "Garcia residence."

Carlos, James and Kendall watched eagerly, too excited to move and track mud all over. They watched breathlessly, but their excitement soon turned to disappointment when they saw the smile on Mrs. Garcia's face fade.

"Carlos, what is it?"

James nudged Carlos. "She's talking to your daddy, isn't she?"

Carlos nodded and sighed. "Maybe she'll call Logan after." He frowned then turned to suggest that they play something while they waited but then he saw Kendall's face. The oldest of the boys had a deeper frown on his face and he looked worried. "What's the matter, Kendall?" The little boy questioned. Instead of replying, Kendall pointed to where Carlos' mother was standing. Carlos turned around and gasped when he saw her.

His mommy, whom he had never seen cry before, was sitting at the kitchen table with tears running down her face as she clutched the phone in one hand. Carlos was only six but he knew something was wrong because mommies and daddies weren't supposed to just cry for no reason. "Mommy?" He whispered tentatively. "Why are you crying?" When she didn't answer him, he felt his own eyes fill with tears and he climbed into her lap, ignoring Kendall and James who were just as upset.

Mrs. Garcia wrapped her free arm around her small son and held him tightly as she listened to her husband's words. Then she whispered a few words and hung up the phone. For a moment, she wasn't sure what to say so she pulled Kendall and James into her arms along with Carlos. She heard them all asking her what was wrong but she couldn't find her voice. Then she set them gently aside. "Carlos, I'm going to call Kendall's mommy and James' mommy, okay?"

Carlos' face scrunched up in confusion. "But why? They don't have to go home now, do they? Logan's not even here yet. You have to call, Logan."

At the mention of Logan's name, Carlos saw his mother cover her mouth with one hand like it upset her even more. Then she took a deep breath and drew all of the boys closer to her again. "Boys, listen to me, okay? I have something to tell."

As young as they were, the boys all sensed that something was very wrong and that Logan had something to do with it. They didn't speak but waited for Mrs. Garcia to tell them.

"Logan and his mommy were in a car accident today." She had no idea how one was supposed to break the news to such little boys. What else was there to say?

"Is Logie okay, Mommy?" Carlos' voice shook and his huge dark brown eyes had instantly filled with tears. James and Kendall looked ready to cry at any second as well.

She could only give them a helpless shrug. "I don't know, baby. Daddy just called me. How about I call Mrs. Knight and Mrs. Diamond and then clean you boys up and then we'll see if the doctors know anything?"

The three boys nodded and then sat on the floor and watched solemnly as Mrs. Garcia dialed the numbers for Kendall's mother and then James' mother. They strained and listened to hear if she told the other mothers anything that she hadn't told them but she didn't. Much more subdued than they were just a little while ago, the three boys walked slowly up the stairs for a quick bath.

As soon as they were all clean again, James' mother arrived, followed by Kendall's mother with baby Katie in her arms. They both hugged all of the boys together and then each other before things seemed to quiet down a little bit.

"Have you heard anything?" Mrs. Diamond asked quietly, holding her son on her lap. She brushed his hair out of his eyes and rubbed his back gently, trying to ease the shaking. They were all too young for this.

Carlos' mother shook her head. "Nothing." She sighed. "I don't know if we should go to the hospital or just wait until he does call."

"Does Ryan know?" Lacy Knight tried to juggle the sleeping Katie and hold onto Kendall at the same time.

Mrs. Garcia nodded. "My husband called him first. The doctors thought it would be best if he heard it from a friend. He was already there when Carlos called me."

The three women sat in silence, each of them holding onto their own children, too afraid to let go. They were all lost in their thoughts and prayers. The boys didn't say anything either. They wanted to see Logan but somehow they knew that it wasn't possible quite yet. Finally, the phone rang again and they all jumped and then looked at Mrs. Garcia expectantly.

She picked it up with a shaking hand and held it tightly to her ear. "Hello?" She whispered. The room was so quiet that the silence was actually loud. Each face was riveted to the woman on the phone as she listened to the person on the other side of the line. They watched as her face lit up briefly with relief and she gave Carlos a small hug and the mothers heaved a collective sigh. Logan would be okay. Then they watched as the relief and joy died in her eyes and was replaced with a deep sadness that could only be explained by one thing.

James still couldn't quite understand what was going on. One minute, all of their mommies were smiling and happy and then just seconds later, his mom had gasped and they all started crying. He watched as they all tried desperately to rein in their emotions but to no avail.

"Mommy?" Kendall spoke for all of them. "Is Logie going to be okay?"

Mrs. Knight hugged him tightly and gave them all the answer they had been waiting for. "Yes, he's going to be fine."

The three boys cheered happily but stopped when they noticed that their mothers weren't sharing their joy. Then, Kendall remembered. "Mommy?" His voice trembled. "Is Logan's mommy going to be okay?"

"Honey," She drew him into another hug and dropped a kiss on the top of his head. "Logan's mommy was hurt very badly."

"But the doctors can help her, right?" Carlos said optimistically.

"The doctors tried to help her." Mrs. Garcia began. "But she was hurt too badly, Carlos."

Carlos was confused. "But doctors can fix anybody." He insisted. "Logie wants to be a doctor and he told me so himself."

"Carlos, sweetie. Logan's mommy is in Heaven right now." Mrs. Garcia let out a deep breath.

James' eyes widened and he sat up, pulling away from his mother. "She can't be!" He shook his head wildly. "Logan's mommy is supposed to be here with us and Logan." He felt his mother try to pull him back to her but he jerked away and fell off of her lap. "She's okay!" He stubbornly insisted. "Her and Logie are fine! They are!"

Carlos nodded and ran over to the window. "They'll be here soon, won't they?" He pressed his face to the glass as if it would make Logan and his mommy, both safe and healthy, appear on the other side.

Only Kendall didn't move. He watched his friend's with an unblinking stare and the he turned to his mother and asked her the question that they were all asking. "Why?"

* * *

The hospital was white and cold and scary. Kendall found it quite different from the time he had gone to visit Kate and his mommy. He clung tightly to his father's hand as they walked down the hallway. His daddy had come home from work after his mommy called him. So had James' daddy. Carlos' dad was already with Logan's dad at the hospital waiting for them.

Carlos didn't like it when adults cried. They were supposed to be the ones to protect and comfort. But even Mr. Knight and Mr. Diamond had cried when they first came over his house to join everyone. It was scary and he wished they would stop. He just wanted to see Logan. His mother held him tightly by one hand, and in his free hand, he gripped something in a balled up fist that no one else could see.

James surprised everyone and himself when he broke away from his parents and ran over to where Mr. Garcia and Mr. Mitchell were and hugged them both, because they both looked like they needed hugs. Then he started to cry. "Where's Logie?" He pleaded with the two men.

Mr. Mitchell seemed to still be in shock and it scared the boys. But he shook of the other adults' protests that they wait to see Logan. "I think it's probably best for Logan right now if he could see his friends." He insisted in a voice that made him sound like a completely different person. "Besides, I have some. . . phone calls to make about. . . the funeral." He sounded confused as he spoke but at the same time he was leading the boys to Logan's room so they didn't really care. When they got to the door, he stopped and knelt down so he could see them better. "He might be sleeping so don't wake him up, okay?" A hint of a smile crossed his face when they all nodded seriously. "Okay. Let me know if you need anything."

Carlos needed for everything to be okay again but he knew that wasn't possible. Mr. Mitchell opened the door and gestured for them to walk in. They didn't hesitate and climbed up on the plastic chairs by the bed to see Logan better.

He was sleeping just like his dad said he might be. He looked smaller than usual because the bed was just so big. His left hand was wrapped up in a huge white bandage and there was a small cut above his right eye. But other than that, he looked normal. Unable to resist, Carlos reached out and touched Logan gently on his un-bandaged hand.

The fingers twitched at the touch and then Logan's eyelids fluttered and opened. He stared at them in confusion, as if he couldn't figure out how they got there. Then he didn't seem to care and his brown eyes filled with tears. "My mommy is in Heaven." He told them quietly.

Kendall nodded. "We know."

Logan began to cry but softly. "I miss her." He told them sadly. "I want my mommy but I can't have her anymore."

James climbed onto the bed with Logan, Kendall and Carlos right behind him. His hazel eyes that had been slightly reddened by his own tears were serious. "It's okay to be sad, Logie." He tried to comfort his motherless friend. "We'll take care of you."

Logan's tears slowed a little bit. "Promise?" He asked, sniffing.

Carlos nodded his head firmly. "We promise, Logan. You're our best friend and we'll take care of you forever."

Kendall simply leaned forward and pulled Logan into a gentle hug. As the oldest, even at just six years old, he had always felt protective over his friends. But now Logan really needed him, and little Kendall silently vowed to be there for him for the rest of his life. He felt Carlos and James join in the hug too and then he felt Logan start to shake with sobs and he wished that he was big enough to hold them all at the same time.

Logan was scared and he was sad. He wanted his mommy more than anything else in the world. Every time he closed his eyes, it seemed like he would hear the loud crash all over again. He couldn't really believe that his mommy was really gone and he just kept hoping that any second she would walk through the door with a smile and hug him. He kept hoping that he was dreaming and he would wake up in his own bed and not the uncomfortable hospital bed. But Logan was only sure of one thing. He wasn't alone.

**A/N. All right. I think I've had my daily dose of angst. If you excuse me, I'll be in my Weeping Corner. Reviews keep me motivated and motivation keeps me writing. Just saying.**


	10. Trouble Lurking

**A/N. It occurred to me a while ago that I really love my OC Luke Adams from 'September'. So I decided to make him even more awesome and bring him into some random one-shots. You don't have to read 'September' to understand this one if you don't want to. Um. . . that's all I have to say. I don't own anything.**

"Daddy, me and Logie and Kenny and Jamie are gonna go camping tonight in the woods!" Seven-year-old Carlos Garcia launched himself into his father's arms and clung tightly. "We're gonna sleep in the tent and roast marshmallows and make s'mores!"

Carlos Garcia Sr. laughed and set his son down on his own feet and gave him a high five. "That sounds great, buddy!" He told his oldest child encouragingly. "Maybe your sisters will get some sleep since you noisy boys will be outside."

Carlos frowned and tilted his head to one side as he considered his father's words, trying to figure out if he was just teasing him. "We aren't _that_ noisy." He finally disagreed.

The perfect seriousness in which the little boy spoke the words was what made Mr. Garcia laugh again. "Carlitos," He said fondly. "You boys are never very quiet I'm actually quite concerned that the animals outside won't get very much sleep tonight if you're going to be there."

"Daddy!" Carlos folded his arms across his chest and pouted. "Stop teasing me!"

Dark eyebrows shot up and disappeared under the brim of the navy blue police cap. Carlos' father was the head chief of the force that took care of the small Minnesota town. A muscled arm shot out and wrapped around his son's small waist. Mr. Garcia scooped the little boy up and used his free hand to tickle the squirming body. "Are you sure I'm teasing?" He asked over the giggles.

"D-daddy, s-stop!" Carlos gasped out. He latched onto his father's hand with both of his hands and wrapped his fingers around the wrist, trying to pull it away from him.

"Carlos, what in the world are you doing?"

Father and son stopped their antics at the feminine voice and put on matching angelic faces as they turned to face Mrs. Garcia who had just joined them in the family room. "He started it!" They chorused.

Mrs. Garcia shook her head and laughed lightly. She willingly took Carlos as her husband handed him to her and hugged him before setting him back down to the floor. The couple chuckled as Carlos instantly scampered away to his room. "Sometimes I wonder how many kids I really have." Mrs. Garcia smiled and kissed her husband as he pulled on his jacket.

"Hey now!" Mr. Garcia protested. "Are you calling me a child?"

"He started it." Her gentle reply was an affectionate mimic of his earlier words and they exchanged smiles. "What time will you be getting home tonight?"

Mr. Garcia shrugged his shoulders reluctantly. "I'm not sure. The station just got a few new recruits. Rookies. I'm supposed to oversee their training and then talk to them myself about what we're expecting of them. You know how that always goes."

"You're a good teacher." Mrs. Garcia said proudly. "Anyone special this time around?"

"Rich at the academy told me to watch out for this one kid. His name is Luke something. He said there were three words to describe the guy. Impulsive, stubborn and reckless." Mr. Garcia shook his head and groaned.

"Well, there must be a reason they let him graduate and move on." Mrs. Garcia pointed out generously.

Mr. Garcia nodded. "That's another thing Rich said. If he can control himself a little better than we might have one heck of an officer in a few years. He's just. . . a little rough around the edges." He shrugged one last time and glanced out the window, a grin spreading across his face. "Anyway, we'll see. For now, you you'd better let Carlos know that his friends are here."

The door was flung open and three more little boys tumbled into the Garcia's family room, chattering excitedly. "Where's Carlos?" A blonde with piercing green eyes demanded as soon as he detached himself from the other two.

"Kendall, don't be rude." Lacey Knight scolded gently. "What do you say?"

Kendall looked at her in confusion, completely lost. "Please?" He ventured a guess.

A taller boy giggled and elbowed Kendall. "Not that, silly." He said wisely. "You're supposed to say hi to Carlos' mommy and daddy."

"Oh!" Kendall laughed too. "Hi, Mama and Papa." He greeted them with the term of endearment that he and his friends had come to use for their "other parents" and then raced upstairs to find Carlos himself.

The smallest of the newcomers tripped as he struggled to pull off a sneaker without untying it. He steadied himself on Mr. Garcia's pant leg and blushed faintly. "Sorry, Papa." He murmured shyly.

Disregarding the fact that he was already running late for work, Mr. Garcia knelt down and quickly undid the shoelace, smiling at the little boy. "No big deal, Logie." He ruffled the dark head of hair and stood back up. "Why don't you and James go help Kendall find Carlos?"

James took his friend's wrist firmly and tossed a winning smile up at the adults before he rushed off to the stairs, dragging the smaller boy along with him. "C'mon, Logan! Let's go!"

"How's he doing?" Mrs. Garcia turned to Mrs. Knight in concern.

"Logan?" Lacey shrugged and sighed. "It's hard to tell. He's so quiet. I can tell he misses his mother but it's like he's afraid to let anyone in. I'm just glad he has Kendall and Carlos and James. They take care of him."

"They all take good care of each other." Michelle Diamond, James' mother, said gratefully. "They're so young but it's already so easy to see how close they are."

"The Four Musketeers." Mr. Garcia said agreeably. "Well, ladies. I'm afraid I must leave you for the station. I'll call if I won't be back in time for dinner but enjoy your little get together while you're at it. Don't let our boys get in too much trouble."

Mrs. Garcia gave him a small shove. "Stay out of trouble at the station." She returned with a laugh. "Watch out for that poor Luke kid."

"Ah, yes. The rookies. Always a fun time, especially when a friend at the academy calls me to warn me about one of them." Mr. Garcia grinned goodnaturedly. "I'll let you know what I think tonight. See you then." He dropped a kiss on his wife's cheek and then said goodbye to her friends before leaving his home for the station.

**

* * *

**

"This is so cool!" Kendall declared as he ducked inside the large camping tent. "It's way cooler than those tents we make at my house with all the blankets and chairs!"

"It's real." Logan said quietly, his brown eyes open wide in wonder. He turned to stare at Carlos. "Are we really going to stay in here tonight?"

Carlos nodded, a huge grin filling his face. "Uh-huh. When my daddy gets home from work he's gonna stay with us. But see how there's two rooms here? We're gonna sleep in this one and my daddy is gonna sleep in the other one. So we're kinda going to be by ourselves."

Logan glanced out at the darkening sky, secretly glad that his "Papa" was going to be with them. Mr. Garcia was a police officer and he always made Logan feel safe. Even though sleeping "in the woods" qualified as in Carlos' backyard, still in perfect sight of the house, he had been nervous. But not anymore. Now he was confident that they were going to have a really fun time.

"Your mommy makes really good tacos." James changed the subject quite suddenly. He rubbed his tummy in contentment and grinned. "My mommy made tacos once and me and her and my daddy all got bad tummy aches. So now my daddy makes dinner most times."

"My daddy makes dinner too." Logan said quietly. "Well, my mommy used to but now my daddy does.

Logan's mother had died when they were six and even though Kendall, James and Carlos all knew that Logan was somewhat sensitive when talking about Mrs. Mitchell, they couldn't help their curiosity. "Who makes better food?" Carlos inquired, not bothering to use past tense in reference to Logan's mother.

But Logan didn't look very upset by the question. "My mommy was better." He answered promptly. "Sometimes my daddy doesn't cook and we get pizza. And sometimes he makes me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

"You get peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner?" Kendall asked in disbelief, his green eyes wide with jealousy. "Lucky. That's my most favorite food."

"I like tacos." Logan replied. "I'm tired of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." He shrugged then, uncomfortable now. "So what are we gonna do?"

Carlos' eyes lit up at the question. "Let's play Hide and Seek!" He suggested brightly. "It's still a little light out."

James and Logan agreed readily but it was Kendall who looked doubtful. "I don't know." He said, suddenly serious. "It's gonna get dark soon."

"Are you afraid?" James challenged.

A blush heated Kendall's cheeks and he glared at James. "No! But why don't we just play it tomorrow when we have more time? We can stay here and eat s'mores."

"I'm not hungry." Logan was never one to disagree with his friends, especially Kendall because even at seven Logan was confident in Kendall's judgment. But tonight was different because he really wanted to play his favorite game. "C'mon, Kendall." He pleaded, "Just for a little."

Kendall bit his lip and surveyed his friends who were all watching him hopefully. "Okay." He said reluctantly. "Let's go tell our mommies then."

"Why?" Carlos asked indifferently. "They're inside and it'll take too long to go and tell them. Let's just play."

"Besides," Logan said forlornly. "I can't tell my mommy."

It was Logan's words that made Kendall give in once again. He didn't want Logan to be sad and feel left out. "Okay." He said again, smiling when his friends cheered happily. "Who's it then?"

"You!" Logan said impulsively. "You're oldest."

Kendall didn't really know what his age had to do with being the seeker first. Besides he was really only a little older. They were all seven, he was just seven first. Soon he would be eight. But he nodded. "Fine. I'll count to one hundred and you guys go hide."

"Close your eyes and don't peek!" James instructed sternly. He covered Kendall's eyes with one of his hands. "Peeking is cheating."

"James, I'm not going to cheat." Kendall said indignantly. "But you have to take your hand away so you can go hide."

James' eyes widened in realization while Carlos and Logan both giggled. "I knew that." He said hastily.

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Sure. Just go hide." He turned his face away and buried it into his pillow. "One. . . two. . . three. . . four. . ."

**

* * *

**

Chief Garcia sighed and rubbed his temple, wishing he had some Advil to ease the throbbing in his head. He hadn't been at the station all day but it felt like that. A wet nose brushed the hand that rested on his knee and the police chief smiled. "Hey, boy." He said fondly. His German Shepherd, Scout, licked his hand until he gave in and rubbed behind the dog's ears. "Long day at the office, boy."

It really had been a long day with the new recruits. In all honestly, he didn't know how any of them graduated from the police academy. One of them could barely remember his own name much less any of the questions Garcia had asked him. Another was already the laziest person the chief had ever met. And then there was Luke and Garcia was absolutely one hundred percent sure that the rookie was the cause for his migraine.

Rich had described him perfectly. Impulsive. He had brought his own dog along with him when everyone in the world knew that officers were assigned a dog to work with. Stubborn. He absolutely refused to give up the dog. At least it was a standard breed for a police dog, a purebred German Shepherd that he had found abandoned on the city streets while attending the academy. And Shadow was the perfect name because the dog never left her owner's side unless she was told to. They worked well together and that was why Garcia was letting things stay the way they were. For now anyway. Reckless. This was the worst. Luke gave absolutely no rational thought to his own safety but rushed headlong into each scenario that had been set up for him. In the five drills they had gone through, Garcia was sure that Luke would have died in four of them. That was a problem.

"Kid needs to use that head he's got on his shoulders." The police chief told Scout absentmindedly. "That one drill that he did survive he was with the team. At least I know he won't risk another man's life. Just his own." The dog whined and Garcia smiled. "Yeah, I know. We all risk our lives here. That's part of the job. Believe me, I get enough of that at home. But at least we think before we act."

His phone rang and he sighed when he saw the number. "Home." He told his dog. "Probably Carlos wondering where I am. I told him I'd camp with him and his friends tonight." A quick glance at his watch showed him at it was nearly 8:00. He _hated_ disappointing his little boy. "Hello?"

"Carlos!" It was his wife but she didn't sound angry or annoyed with his lateness. She sounded frantic, "You have to come home now. The boys are missing."

He sat up so quickly that the movement sent a stack of papers fluttering to the floor. "What?" He demanded. "What do you mean they're missing?"

The answering sob was enough to paralyze him with fear. "I was talking with Michelle and Lacey just inside and we noticed that the boys had been quiet for a while. So we went to check on them and they weren't anywhere near the tent. We looked in the woods and called for them but we couldn't find them anywhere."

Chief Garcia stood up, pulling on his jacket as he did so. Scout was at his side in an instant and the two of them rushed out of his office. "Stay calm." He told his wife when he was so close to panicking himself. "I'll be right over with some of the guys." He hung up and scanned the nearly empty room in the front of the building. _No. _"Rookies," He greeted them trying to sound professional. "I need your help."

He could not believe that this was happening. His son and young friends were missing somewhere in the dark woods when it looked like rain and all he had to help him was Charlie who had forgotten to pull on his boots on his way out the door, Randy who didn't seem the least bit alarmed at the news, and Luke who insisted on bringing his dog with him. But there wasn't any time to argue. He had only given them a brief run-down of the situation and then they were off in two separate police cruisers, Randy and Charlie in one, and Luke and Shadow with him and Scout.

Mr. Garcia knew that their troubles had only increased when Randy and Charlie left before them and weren't at his house when he and Luke arrived. "I don't believe this." He muttered.

"Charlie was driving." Luke said as he motioned for Shadow to leap out of the car. "He probably forgot where he was going and Randy was too lazy to remind him."

"How did you three graduate?" Garcia asked the student that had been shoved upon him and the rest of his men at the station.

Luke shrugged and offered a sheepish grin. "I don't know about Randy or Charlie but I'm pretty sure they got sick of me."

The chief didn't have time to reply because the two of them were greeted by three frantic woman along with Jefferey Knight and Rodger Diamond who were barely holding onto their own sanity. Mr. Garcia's anxiety quickened because the presence of James' and Kendall's fathers meant that the three mothers hadn't been the only ones searching for the missing boys. "All right." He said, the calm in his voice as false as anything he had ever heard before. "This is Luke. He's going to help us find them."

**

* * *

**

"Carlos! Logan! James, I found them!" Kendall broke into a run and rushed over to the large tree that his two friends were sitting under. "Where were you! I found James and then I looked everywhere for you and we couldn't find you and you didn't answer when we called!"

Logan cringed slightly at Kendall's anger but stayed calm. "Carlos is hurt." He said quietly.

Instantly the anger faded from Kendall's face and he dropped to his knees besides Carlos who sat with his back against the wide trunk of the tree. "What happened?" He asked, worry creasing his brow.

"Kenny? Where- Oh, there you guys are." James sighed in relief and plopped down besides Kendall. "We looked everywhere for you. What happened? Is Carlos okay?"

Looking frustrated, Logan held a finger to his lips to silence Kendall and James. "Carlos tried to climb a tree to hide. He fell and hurt his ankle. But he can move it so I think he only twisted it. I don't think he broke it."

Kendall nodded and touched Carlos gently on the shoulder. "Can you walk, Carlos?"

Carlos' normally cheerful face was streaked with tears and his eyes were filled with pain. He shook his head and jerked his injured foot away, whimpering as the action sent pain shooting through his entire leg.

"Carlos, don't move it!" Logan cried out firmly. "No, Kendall. He can't walk. You and James have to go back to his house and get your mommies to come help. I'll stay here."

But Kendall shook his head violently. "Uh-uh!" He practically shouted. "We're not leaving you alone here in the woods. It's too dark for that. Besides," Kendall's face was serious and he chewed on his bottom lip, an anxious habit he had recently picked up. "I. . . I'm not sure where we are right now."

Fear flashed across Logan's face and his mouth dropped open. "You mean. . . we're lost?" He dropped his voice to a whisper but it didn't stop the others from going into a panic.

"Lost!" James' voice squeaked in fear. "We're not lost are we, Kendall?" He spun in a circle and looked quickly around at their surroundings. "All we have to do is. . . go that way." He pointed uncertainty off to the left. "Maybe."

"I don't know." Kendall said honestly, his voice trembling. "I wasn't paying attention where we were going the whole time we were looking for Carlos and Logan."

Carlos started to cry again, this time in fear, rather then pain from his injured ankle. "I'm sorry!" He wailed. "It's my fault! Logie told me not to go so far but then he followed me! And then he told me not to try and climb this tree but I did anyway because I thought I could and then I fell and now we're stuck here and it's just getting dark and we're lost and-"

"Shhh!" Kendall wrapped his arms around his younger friend and held him in a tight hug. "Don't cry, Carlitos. It's not your fault that we got lost. We just have to. . . get found. But we will 'cause our mommies and daddies will be worried about us and look for us. Besides, your daddy is a police man. It's his job to save people. He'll save us." He motioned for Logan and James to draw closer so that they were all smashed together for warmth and comfort. The four little boys shivered as the sun began to set and the air grew chillier. "We just have to stay here and wait." Kendall said, trying to sound confident.

"How long will it take?" Carlos' tears had stopped for the time being and he was content to be held by Kendall with James and Logan right in front of him, knee to knee. As long as he and his friends were all okay he didn't need to cry or be scared.

Kendall shrugged, jostling Carlos slightly. "I don't know." He said again. "But they'll find us so don't worry too much."

"I'm afraid of the dark." Logan admitted, his voice muffled as he turned bury his face in James' light jacket.

James' fear was forgotten as he reached over to comfort his friend. "Don't worry, Logie." He said, trying to sound like Kendall when he was trying to make Carlos feel better earlier. "We won't let the dark hurt you you."

"When I'm in my room I sleep with a night light." Logan admitted. "I didn't use to be afraid but after my mommy died I started to have nightmares. My daddy bought me a nightlight and that helps keep the monsters away. Monsters are afraid of light."

"There's no such thing as monsters." Kendall said, wishing his voice sounded more confident. "But I think I have a flashlight here. We can turn it on when it gets really dark, okay?"

Logan shivered, hoping that they wouldn't be alone that long. But he nodded gratefully and rested his head on James' shoulder, keeping his gaze on Kendall and Carlos to make sure that they were safe at all times. "Okay."

**

* * *

**

"Well?" Claire Garcia turned hopefully at the sound of the back door opening. But the light in her eyes faded when she saw her husband and Jeffery Knight and Robert Diamond come into the family room without any little boys.

"You didn't find anything?" Mrs. Knight's voice broke as her husband stepped forward to embrace her. "Jeff, where could they be?"

Mr. Garcia gave his wife a quick hug and sighed. "We didn't find anything." He said in answer to Lacey's desperate question. He glanced at his watch and felt his heart drop in fear when he saw that it was after 11:00. The boys had been missing for hours. . .

"What if someone took them!" James' mother had been holding back her tears along with the rest of the mothers but now she lost all control and collapsed sobbing against her husband's chest.

"Carlos?" Claire turned to her husband and didn't see her husband. She saw the chief of the Minnesota police force and any calm she had left her. "What do we do now?"

"Right now? We head back to the station and file reports that say our children are missing." Chief Garcia spoke as naturally as he could. He had been doing this sort of thing for years. But he had never thought he would one day be filing a missing child report for his own son. "Did you get Ryan yet?"

Lacey shook her head and cleared her throat so she could speak around her tears. "No. He's at a conference in the city and all I get when I call her cell phone is his voice mail. I can't. . . I can't leave a message about this. I've just been saying to call as soon as he can but. . ."

"All right." Robert pulled gently away from his wife. "Listen, sweetie. The sooner we get this done, the sooner we can get more people looking for them, all right? They'll be fine. All of them. I promise."

"What about Luke?" Mr. Knight glanced at the police chief for an answer. "I haven't seen him since we all split up to look for the boys.

As worried as he is about his boys, the absence of Luke is even more alarming. Had the boys really been taken and had Luke's impulsiveness gotten him hurt or- Mr. Garcia shook his head. He couldn't think about four seven-year-old little boys being the the clutches of a dangerous killer. Focus on one thing at a time. "I don't know." He said heavily. "But we can't wait for him. Let's just get over to the station, file the reports and. . . take it from there."

Because right now, there's nothing else they can do.

**

* * *

**

The flashlight flickered and died, leaving the boys in the pitch black darkness of the woods. Logan whimpered in fear and turned to James for comfort. "Kenny," He whispered pleadingly. "Where are they?"

Kendall bit his lip. "I don't know." His own bravery was beginning to wear thin. All he wanted to do was cry. He wanted his mommy and daddy to hold him. He didn't want to be out in the scary woods anymore.

"I'm hungry." Carlos remarked as his empty stomach rumbled. "And cold and tired and. . . scared."

"It'll be okay." James said with zero confidence. "Just wait and see."

A dog's bark sounded in the distance and the boys sat up straight. "I bet that's Scout! My daddy's doggy!" He cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled as loudly as he could. "Scout! Daddy!" When a dog's bark answered him, Carlos clapped his hands together in excitement. "I bet that's Scout! My daddy is gonna save us!"

But then there came an unfamiliar voice. It called all four of their names and was echoed each time by the dog's bark. But none of the boys recognized the man calling to them. They exchanged looks of terror, each of them sure that they were now in even more trouble. Danger.

A beam of light pierced through the darkness from the other side of the stream that the boys were near. It was a flashlight and they could just make out the shadowy forms of a man and dog running towards them. The figures reached the edge of the stream and stopped there. "Carlos?"

"That's me!" Carlos said, forgetting that he wasn't allowed to talk to strangers. "Who are you?"

"My name's Luke." The light swept upwards to reveal a young man dressed in a police uniform. His voice was gentle as he continued to speak with to the little boys. "I work with your daddy, Carlos. I'm here to help you. Your mommies and daddies are all really worried about you."

Kendall stood up in front of his friends. "We don't know you."

Luke opened his mouth to assure the boy but before he could say anything, Carlos lurched clumsily to his feet and limped forward. "Kenny, he's a police man! He's gonna help us."

"Wait!" The tone of Luke's voice switched from gentle to alarmed in a split second. "Carlos, don't come any closer, buddy. Let me and Shadow come to you, okay? Stay right there!"

Carlos was taken aback by the change and didn't listen to Luke's instructions. "But why?" He asked as he took another step, staggering even closer to the edge of the stream. Then his good foot slipped on the mud and Carlos fell to the ground. But he didn't just lay where he had fallen. He slid down the small hill and into the icy water below.

The weather had been pleasantly warm In mid-April but the nights could still get fairly chilly and the temperature of the water startled Carlos. It was deeper than he thought it would be, perhaps up to his waist if he could stand. But the current didn't allow him to stand and as much as he struggled he couldn't swim to safety.

He didn't go very far before he got caught in the branches of a dead tree that hung over the water's edge. Carlos heard his friends yelling at him but he couldn't answer them. He kicked, frantically trying to free himself but only succeeded in tangling himself even further until he found himself face down in the water, unable to move.

When it was summer and they could go swimming, Carlos and his friends sometimes played a game where they tried to see who could hold their breath underwater the longest. That had been fun because Carlos could always come up for air when he wanted to. But now he couldn't. He was trapped underwater and terrified. When a strong pair of arms grabbed him around his waist, Carlos panicked even further and sucked in, filling his lungs with water.

Luke lifted the little boy out of the water and staggered back to shore. He could hear Carlos friends' yelling and crying in fear but he didn't bother to answer them. He laid Carlos out on the flat ground and laid his ear to the unmoving chest. CPR was a basic skill that he had needed to learn in the police academy. But it was something he hoped he would never need to use, especially on a seven-year-old kid. "Come on, buddy." He whispered as he began going through the life-saving motions.

Logan stood frozen, clinging to James with one hand and to Kendall with the other. He could tell that his friends had no idea what Luke was doing to Carlos but he knew himself. Carlos wasn't breathing right now. Carlos could die. But the words "Carlos" and "die" didn't sound right together. It was impossible, really. They were only seven. Much too young to die. Logan watched helpless, not hearing Kendall and James as they pelted questions at him.

Luke bent over Carlos' still body again and went to blow more air into him. But before he could, Carlos shuddered to life and began coughing and sputtering. What seemed like gallons of water poured out of his mouth and Luke quickly flipped the little boy over to his side and rubbed his back gently. "That's it. You're okay. You're okay. Just breathe."

Carlos wanted to breathe more than anything but it wasn't as easy as it usually was. He was coughing too hard and too much and it scared him. But the gentle voice kept him calm until his coughing eased and Carlos began to breath normally again. He was cold now. So cold. He couldn't stop shaking.

"Stay there! We'll come to you." Luke gathered Carlos into his arms and went to collect his jacket that he had thrown off before jumping into the stream after Carlos. He wrapped the trembling little boy in the warm material and then carefully waded back into the stream to cross to the other side.

"Is he okay?" Kendall demanded anxiously as soon as Luke neared them with Shadow at his side and Carlos in his arms.

"He'll be fine." Luke assured him. "Let's get you boys to the police station and then maybe the hospital, okay?"

"But," James hesitated. "We don't know where to go. That's why we didn't come home. Because we got lost."

Luke smiled. "Well, don't worry because Shadow and I know right where we are. Just follow me." They reached the police cruiser in a fairly short amount of time and Luke quickly loaded the boys in the back seat, wrapping them all in a warm blanket. He jumped in the front seat and blasted the heat so that it was only blowing in the rear to warm the boys, especially Carlos. "Almost there." He promised them.

He glanced in the rear view mirror and met the gaze of the blonde that was so wary of him. "Kendall, right?" The little boy nodded, his defiant green eyes beginning to look weary. "Hey, buddy. I need you to do something for me. Make sure that you guys stay awake, okay? Don't fall asleep. Can I count on you?"

The request made Kendall forget that he didn't know who Luke was. Luke wanted _him_ to look out for his friends. He has asked _him_. He grinned proudly and nodded. "Absolutely."

**

* * *

**

The worried parents had just reached the police station when the sky opened up and a typical spring storm unleashed its fury. Rain poured down so hard that it was nearly impossible to see anything outside the windows and thunder crashed and lightening lit up the sky. The wind blew too. And even though they were all adults, it was terrifying. Terrifying because their children were somewhere out in the storm.

It was odd being on the receiving end of police work. Awful. Horrible. Mr. Garcia never wanted it to happen again. He stared at the form he was supposed to be filling out. This was his son that was missing.

They were mid-way through filling out the forms when the door of the station flew open and crashed into the wall. Mr. Garcia spun around and instantly his eyes found Kendall and James and Logan as they walked in, holding a blanket over their heads. The relief he felt died instantly when he saw that Carlos wasn't with them.

Before he could absolutely panic though, Luke strode through the door, nearly tripping over his shadow dog. In his arms he held a small bundle wrapped up in his jacket. Carlos. "He's fine." Luke told the worried parents as they rushed over. "He hurt his ankle and he's wet because he fell into the stream but-"

"The stream?" Mr. Garcia took Carlos gently from Luke's arms and held him close with his wife. But the younger man's words still surprised him enough to have to make sure he heard right. "But that's miles from our house"

Luke nodded. "I know." Shadow whined and licked his hand. "Look, I have to go take care of my girl. She's probably wet and cold and hungry."

"Can I come?" Logan asked before any of the adults could say anything. "My daddy isn't here yet."

The little boy's words made Luke stop in his tracks and he looked around the room, eyes wide in disbelief. But he recovered fairly quickly and nodded. "Sure, Logan. Let's go."

"Daddy, he saved my life." Carlos said as they watched them disappear down the hall. "When I fell in the water I got trapped underwater and I stopped breathing."

The words were spoken with all the innocence of a seven-year-old who really had no idea had close he had come to dying. But they froze Mr. Garcia and he held his son even closer. He had almost lost him tonight. No matter how brave someone is, if they have a heart at all, then almost losing someone so precious to them, will scare them out of their minds. School shootings and bomb threats could not compare to the knowledge that Carlos almost _drowned_ tonight.

And the man who saved Carlos had just one into the kennel without any thanks. It wasn't just that he had saved Carlos from drowning. It was that he had saved all of the little boys tonight and no one-

But before the chief could finish that thought, the station door opened again and Ryan Mitchell practically blew in. "Where's Logan?"

He was so anxious and panicked and worried that it was easy enough to forgive him for being so late. Mr. Garcia pressed a kiss to Carlos' forehead and handed him to his wife. "I'll show you. He went with Luke, the officer who found them, to take care of his dog.

"Daddy!" Logan was overjoyed to see his father and immediately dropped the towel he was using to dry Shadow to rush over to Ryan who scooped him up into his arms and held him tightly.

"Thank you." How painfully ironic that Ryan was thanking Luke first when he had been the last to arrive. "Thank you so much."

Any other rookie would have been thrilled to be considered a hero on his first day. But Luke merely nodded. "Just doing my job." He said coolly. "I'm just glad Logan has his father now."

The slight dig went unnoticed by Ryan who was still too absorbed in Logan to attention to anyone else. But Mr. Garcia caught a flash of anger in Luke's blue eyes and he set about easing the growing tension in the room. "Ryan, why don't you take Logan on home now? I bet he's exhausted."

"Wait!" Logan squirmed from his father's arms and ran back to Luke to fling his arms around the police officer. "Thank you for saving me and my friends."

"Anytime, buddy." The smile that crossed Luke's face made it hard to believe that he had ever been angry. "Just don't make a habit of it, okay?" He withdrew from the hug carefully. "Don't. I'm still wet remember? I don't want you to get wet too."

Wet. Luke was soaked. Then it all made sense. Kendall, James and Logan all coming in with a blanket over their heads. Luke carrying Carlos wrapped in his jacket. And the kennel was freaking cold. It was a wonder Luke could rub the towel over his dog's wet body because he was shaking so much. "Luke," Mr. Garcia shook his head and quickly took off his own coat to put it over the younger man's shoulders.

"'m f-fine." Luke straight up lied, his teeth clacking together so hard that it was painful and made his head ache. "Just a l-little wet. A-and cold."

"So you need to get warm and dry." The chief shook his head and pulled his rookie officer to his feet. "Come on. I'll get Stan to take care of Shadow. He's great with dogs. You need to go to the hospital. We're already taking Carlos in to get checked out and you're coming with us."

"No." Luke shook his head stubbornly. "I d-don't need a doctor. I'm fine."

Stubborn. But Luke Adams was not the most stubborn person in the room right now. "Just in case." Mr. Garcia said. "Better safe than sorry." He sighed and ran a hand through his short, dark hair. "How in the world can I thank you for saving my son's life?"

The blush brought color to Luke's pale face. "J-just doing my job." He stuttered.

"Well, I think you'll make a perfect addition to the force." The chief said confidently.

"Thank y-you."

It occurred to the police chief then that Luke had yet to speak a complete sentence lately without stammering. "Well, that's only if you don't die of hypothermia. Come on. Let's go."

They were greeted warmly by the others. Claire Garcia disregard the fact that Luke was drenched and shivering and hugged him so tightly that the poor officer coughed hoarsely. Carlos made sure that everyone in the building knew that Luke had saved his life.

At last the Garcia managed to drag their small group away from the others. Mr. Garcia gave Luke a gentle shove into his car. "Next stop, the hospital."

Luke and Carlos groaned at the same time and Mr. Garcia couldn't help but laugh a little. But on their way, with Carlos curled up in his mother's arms in the backseat, he turned to the young officer. "Luke, you saved my son's life. I know that it's your job and just let me say that you're terrific at your job. But I don't know how I could possibly thank you enough. I could have lost him tonight if it wasn't for you."

"Well," Luke said quietly. "I'd do it again in a second. I'm just glad that you're his dad. And I just wish that Logan's dad cared about him enough to be there when we first got there. Logan deserves someone like you for a dad."

The unexpected turn in the conversation has Mr. Garcia choosing his next words carefully. "Ryan's wife died a little over a year ago. He's-"

"Still a father." Luke interrupted.

Mr. Garcia nods but then looks pointedly in the rear view mirror where Carlos is watching them and listening to every single word of their conversation.

Luke nodded in understanding and fell silent. "You're welcome." He finally says because there was nothing else he could think of to say. "I'm glad I came here. I wanted to work down in Texas before because that's where I'm from but. . ."

"Well, believe me. We're all glad you came here too." Mr. Garcia said softly. "I'm looking forward to working with you."

**A/N. Oh my gosh, that was way longer than I thought it would be. Um. Anyway that's all. Review?**


	11. Sacrifice

**A/N. This is a VERY late birthday present to one of my best friend's ever. I love love love you, Rieley. Oh, and thanks as always to Lauren and Alex for keeping me focused and encouraging me to write this. It wasn't easy. I don't own anything.**

He was so tired of fighting. Logan shut his book and laid it aside. The he leaned his head back against the pillows and closed his eyes. Lately, everything he did, or rather tried to do, drained him of what little energy he had. Today he was even having trouble holding his book up and his eyes were too heavy to keep open for long periods of time. His cancer was winning. He was dying. Tears came to his eyes at the thought. No matter how strong he appeared for his friends, he was scared. Terrified. He didn't want to die. He was too young to die. Only eighteen. He still had so much left to do.

There was a knock at the door of his hospital room and Logan quickly wiped away any trace of tears and cleared his throat. "Come in!" He called. The door swung open slowly and Logan smiled when he recognized his visitor. "Kendall," He greeted, forgetting for the moment that he was dying. Kendall's presence made him feel that much safer.

"Hey, Logan." Kendall returned quietly. He approached Logan's bedside and sat down in the nearest chair. Hus face was pale and dark circles cast shadows underneath his tired green eyes. He scanned Logan carefully before speaking again. "How. . . how are you feeling?" He asked, dreading the answer.

Logan was silent as he tried to think of something to say that wouldn't upset Kendall but would be honest at the same time. "Okay," He finally said, vaguely. Before Kendall could question him any further, he changed the subject. "Where are James and Carlos?"

"Home." Kendall answered just as vaguely. He glanced down at his hands that were clenched in fists so tight that his knuckles were white. "They'll be around in a little while. I. . . I wanted to talk to you alone, Logan." Kendall dug deep inside of himself and found the courage to look back up at Logan.

There was a fear in Kendall's eyes that Logan wanted to go away and never return. It scared him too because it was a different kind of fear than what had been haunting his friends for so long since his grin diagnosis. A fear of rejection that Logan didn't understand. "What's up?" He asked, trying to sound casual.

Kendall shifted slightly in his sit and took a deep breath. "Just hear me out, Logan. Let me explain." He waited until Logan gave a hesitant nod and then he went on. "Remember how we talked about the chance of one of us being a match for you?"

Logan inhaled sharply. "Kendall," He had already forgotten about his promise to wait until Kendall was finished speaking. "I already told all of you that there's no way I'm letting you risk your lives for mine. The only way I'm getting a kidney transplant is if, and I know this sounds awful, but if the donor is already dead."

"You told us we could get tested." Kendall said, ignoring Logan's quick protest. "This morning. . . that's what we did. Logan, I'm. . . I'm a perfect match for you." He shut his eyes and silently begged, pleaded, and praying that Logan would listen to him.

"No," Logan said, surprised at the force he managed to put into the singular word. "No, Kendall. Absolutely not. There's no way. You can't-"

But Kendall interrupted him. "Yes I can." He said as firmly as he could, hoping that his determination might change Logan's stubborn mind. "You have to let me help you, Logan. Don't you understand? This is your last chance. This could save you."

Logan shook his head and crossed his arms over his thinning chest. "Yeah, but there's just one problem with this brilliant plan of yours, Kendall. This surgery would be way more dangerous for you than it would be for me. You could easily die."

"_Could_." Kendall stressed the word. It doesn't mean that I will. But if you don;t let me help you then you will die." His composure was beginning to fail him and his voice shook with emotion.

"Better me than you." Logan said quietly.

"How can you say that?" Kendall demanded, pleading desperately for understanding that was beyond him.

"Kendall," I really appreciate the offer," Logan said as calmly as though they were talking about something materialistic and replaceable instead of something as priceless as his life. "But I can't let you do this."

"Yes you can!" Kendall insisted urgently. He had to get Logan to agree to the surgery. They already had so little time left and every time Logan refused was just more time lost. "I can't just stand by and watch you die when I have an opportunity to give you another chance to get better."

Logan blinked back his own tears. "Yes you can." He said gently. "And you will. Kendall, it'll be okay. You and James and Carlos are strong. You'll make it."

While Logan was close to tears, Kendall had finally lost control. "It'll never be okay if you leave us like this." He said weakly. "You're too young to die."

"So are you." Logan pointed out. "You're my age."

"I'm older." Kendall's argument was useless and pathetic but it was all he had left. He leaned forward, folding into himself as he began to shake with sobs. "Please, Logan." He cried out. "I can't let you die."

"Kendall," Logan's voice softened and he reached out to take Kendall's hand. He flinched slightly when Kendall grabbed on and held onto him with a surprising force. "Kendall, listen to me okay? There's so many reasons that you shouldn't do this."

Kendall's sobs slowed enough for him to speak. "Like what?" He challenged.

"Like the fact that even if we both get through the surgery without a problem, my body might reject the new kidney. I'll die anyway. Then you'd be stuck with one good kidney and you know what, Kendall? Your life would be changed forever. You could never play hockey again. It would be too risky."

Kendall stopped crying altogether and he straightened up to look straight at Logan. "But don't you see? I don't care about any of that stuff. You're more important to me and everyone else. Whether I lived or died or it worked or not, you're worth it, Logan. I already talked to my mom this afternoon. I mean, legally I can make the decision myself since I'm eighteen. But Logan, she agreed that you're worth it. Because if we do it then we might both be okay and if we don't do it then you'll die. It's the only way."

Logan was beginning to waver. Kendall was right and that scared him. There really was no other way. "I. . . I don't know."

Kendall grabbed onto the thread of hope he had been given and held onto it as tightly as he possibly could. "Please, Logan." It was all he could say anymore.

The word slipped from Logan's lips involuntarily. "Okay." His gasped then when he realized what he had just done.

But words are something you can never take back. Kendall's eyes widened and he stared at Logan for a second before lunged forward and wrapped his arms around his friend in a tight hug. "Logan," He breathed, feeling more hopeful than he had in a long time. "Thank you." He felt Logan begin to tremble in his embrace and he tightened his grip as much as he could without hurting him. "It's okay." He whispered. "You're going to be okay."

The odd thing was that Logan believed him.

**

* * *

**

Logan woke up, feeling as though his entire body was on fire. Never in all of his months of being a cancer patient had he been in so much pain. He was still drowning in the blackness that he had been in since the doctors had put him to sleep right before the surgery but he could still make out voices at the edge of the blackness.

"Logan? I think he's waking up. Logie, can you hear me?"

Carlos. Logan was almost positive that it was Carlos but he doubted himself because there was something off in the otherwise familiar voice. He couldn't quite figure it out so he attempted to open his eyes to confirm his guess. His eyelids felt heavy, weighed down by the ever present exhaustion but he finally pried them open and looked around the room.

"Logan, you're awake." Carlos was the first to greet him with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "It's good to see you again, buddy. How do you feel?"

"Kendall?" Logan's voice was weak and barely a whisper but he knew they all hear him.

James reached out and took Logan's hand. "Just relax for now, Logie." He murmured soothingly. "The doctors said you need to rest and recover."

But James' soothing words had the exact opposite effect on Logan. He struggled to sit up, ignoring the pain the blasted throughout his entire body. "No," He said, the panic making his voice stronger. He looked at Mrs. Knight and Katie. "Not until I know about Kendall. Is he. . . is he okay? Why aren't you with Kendall right now?" His question was met with silence and he looked around him again and saw only poorly concealed heartbreak. "Kendall?" He tried one last time as his heart began to sink.

Katie suddenly sobbed and turned her face away from Logan, hiding against her mother. "I'm sorry, Logan." She apologized in a strangled and muffled voice.

Then he knew and they didn't have to tell him. Logan had been so afraid of losing Kendall and he had thought for sure that if Kendall did die then he would immediately break down into tears. But he didn't. Instead of the crushing grief and guilt that he had expected would drown him, he felt nothing at all. He was numb.

"Logan?"

Carlos sounded frightened and far away. That was all Logan could absorb. It was almost like when the doctors had medicated him before the surgery. Logan couldn't speak or feel or even think. He could barely breath. His chest felt heavy as though his lungs were being crushed by an unseen force. And then the darkness consumed him.

**

* * *

**

It had been five days and he hadn't cried once. All around him was pain and suffering and yet Logan couldn't find the strength to pull himself out of the stupor he had been in since he learned of Kendall's death. He had fallen into a deep, black, bottomless abyss with no way out.

So when he stood up from the front pew of the church and stumbled over to the casket, it surprised and scared everyone that was watching. "Kendall," It was the first time he had spoken that rainy Monday morning and the sound of his voice echoed in the still church.

Kendall was dressed in a handsome gray suit that Logan knew he would have never wanted to wear. His hair was much too neat and Logan reached out with a trembling hand to brush aside some of the blonde strands. There. Much better. He looked more like Kendall now.

"Kendall, wake up." Logan heard himself whisper. He dropped his hand to touch Kendall's face and jerked away when he felt how cold the skin was. "Please, Kendall?" Maybe if he pleaded long enough and hard enough, Kendall would return to them.

"Come on, buddy." James and Carlos were at his side, both of them looking worried.

Logan shook his head and pulled out of James' light grasp. "No. We can't leave yet. We can't leave without Kendall."

"Logan, he can't." Carlos' voice broke and he started to cry. "He's gone."

The scream shattered the stillness and it chilled the listeners, haunting them long after it finally ended. Logan dropped to his knees besides his best friend's coffin, still screaming. The anguished cry was being torn for him and he felt like something was clawing at him and ripping his heart right out of his chest. "Kendall, no!" He finally cried out words and then collapsed into sobs. "You can't do this. You can't die. I need you. We all need you. Please, Kendall."

James' strong arms wrapped tightly around Logan's shaking body and Carlos held onto him from the other side. "Logan," One of them, he couldn't tell who, choked out. "Stay with us."

Logan shook his head, viciously as he began to descend even further down the black hold that his life had become in the past week. "It's my fault!"

"Logan, no!" Carlos shook his head. "It wasn't-"

"Yes, it was. I should have said no. I did it. I killed him. I killed Kendall. I'm a murderer." Logan refused to believe otherwise. The one person that could convince him that he wasn't to blame was dead. Gone forever.

"Logan, Kendall wouldn't want you to think that." James whispered into his ear. "He wanted to save you, Logan. He wouldn't have it any other way." He held onto Logan as tightly as he could as if he could stop the shaking that was threatening to tear Logan apart. "He gave you another chance, Logan. You have to take it. For him."

James' words slowed Logan's fall into the black. "But it hurts." He whispered, pain overflowing in every single word.

"We know." Carlos and James spoke in unison and for the first time, Logan realized that he wasn't alone in the dark.

But he wasn't comforted because he didn't want James and Carlos to hurt as much as he was. He was lost and so were they. Who would lead them now? Kendall had been their rock, steady, strong, and solid when they were weak. Now he was dead and they were left behind to somehow move on without him.

They had to move on though, Logan realized. Especially him. Kendall's final act in his short life had saved one of his best friend's and for Logan to cease living himself would be cruel and ungrateful. Kendall had given him a second chance at life. He had sacrificed himself for Logan. Logan was determined to live on for him.

**A/N. Rieley, I'm so sorry. I feel so horrible because I made Carlos die for your Christmas present and now I made Kendall die for your birthday. And I was almost two months late because your birthday is in January. So I'm really, extra sorry. I love you, okay? To everyone else, I'm sorry too. Maybe after I kill James, everything will be more even and I'll stop killing characters. Um. . . review?  
**


	12. Drowning

**A/N. Okay, so this was originally One Man Writing Games' request but then we remembered that her birthday was ages ago and I never wrote her a story as a present. So she made a new request and this is her story. Uh. . . I don't know what I'll update next. I'm trying to figure out some things right now so I'm a little distracted. But this is for my Angst Twin. Happy Birthday, Alex. You're one of my best friends ever. I don't own anything. Oh, and here is her request anyway because I think it's really funny.**

_00o0O0O0OMGZZZzZzZ YEW ARE LYK MY FAVOURITE AUTHOR EVEEEERRRR omg my name is lyk Sallly and junk, and I wuz wonderin if yew culd maybee make me an OC and then hav me watch James and Kendal make out! That wuld b so gr8!_

_Lol noooo but am I allowed to request something? Because I say James finds a unicorn named Potato Mountain Flannel Sim III and then they go on an adventure._

_Not really I was thinking James goes surfing and hits his head on a rock and almost dies/drowns but Kendall saves him and it's just Kames bromance._

_Really the first two requests are invalid you must do the third one. You have until 11:59 tonight. LOL SEE WHAT I DID THERE I'm a horrible person._

_BYE ICABOD I LOVE YOU_

_Sincerely, Laura _

_

* * *

_

It was a perfect beach day in Los Angeles, California. The sun shone brightly, warming the ocean waters making it nearly impossible to resist a swim. Those who chose to lay out on the sand were soon forced to at least wade in the shallows when the intense heat became too much and had drenched them in sweat.

James Diamond was never one to sit still though and as soon as he and his three best friends arrived at the beach, he dropped his towel on the sand, grabbed his surfboard, and raced off to meet the waves. He ignored Logan's warnings that he was going to get burnt without sunscreen lotion and dove into the refreshing waters.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he surfaced, feeling instantly cooler. He pulled himself onto his surfboard and started paddling over the waves to deep waters. He knew he had to be careful because the beaches weren't guarded and the coast was somewhat rocky in certain places. But the dangers weren't about to stop him from having fun.

The first perfect wave came as soon as James was out over the breakers and he stood up slowly with perfect balance, riding it all the way to the shore. He grinned when his friends all cheered and applauded and he gave them a mock bow. It was hard to describe the rush of adrenaline that he got when surfing. He loved living in California and he had quickly adapted to the sport of surfing.

James rode a few more waves without incident. When he reached the shore again, Carlos met him, tossing a football in the air. "Come on, James!" He said cheerfully. "Let's play a game."

"Sure, hang on." James said as he tucked his board under his arm. "The waves are great out there. Let me go one more time." He waded out for one last ride, determined to wait for the absolute best time. It was getting a little rough but James didn't mind at all. That meant that the waves were getting even better.

He caught sight of a swell approaching him and turned to face the shore and stood up. He felt the water take him and a wide grin spread across his face. But the feeling of euphoria didn't last long because as good as James was at surfing he was still somewhat of a novice. The wave was much larger than he anticipated it would be and it broke long before he thought it would. It crashed right on top of him and the force sent him deep down underwater.

It had happened before so he didn't panic right away. He let the water toss him around like he was in a drying machine, knowing that there was no point in struggling against a force much stronger than himself. His lungs were beginning to burn from the lack of oxygen and he couldn't tell which way was up but still James didn't panic. Then his head smacked against a rock and everything went black.

"Wipe out!" Carlos proclaimed as he stood with Kendall and Logan, watching and waiting for James to come back to them so they could toss the football around.

Logan, ever the worrier, shaded his eyes with his hand and stared out at the ocean, searching for James. "I. . . I don't see him."

"Logie, don't worry so much." Kendall assured him. "When you go down like that you just have to wait for the water to stop spinning you around." But as he spoke he didn't remove his gaze from the calming surface of the water, expecting to see James' head reappear at any second.

The seconds ticked by and soon Kendall and Carlos were as anxious as Logan. "Something happened." Kendall stated, struggling to get his brain back in working order. A bright spot of yellow appeared that he recognized as James' surfboard but no James was with it.

Kendall took of running across the hot sand and into the water. His eyes never left the spot where he had last seen James, marked clearly by the abandoned surfboard. "James!" He shouted pointless as terror tried to freeze him to the spot. Once it got too deep to run, Kendall started to swim, his muscled arms pulling him through the water.

The surfboard floated aimlessly around in the water and Kendall grabbed onto the rope and gave it a small tug. Temporary relief flooded through him when his pull was met with resistance. He took a huge breath and dove down underneath the waves, holding tightly to the rope and he went deeper and deeper.

At last he reached the sandy and rocky bottom and his hand found an ankle. Kendall fumbled around, his lungs beginning to ache. Finally he managed to wrap his arms around James' waist and he pushed off the bottom and surfaced.

James was completely limp in his arms and it scared Kendall. But he didn't pause to panic and he swam back to the shore, letting the waves carry the two of them. When his feet touched the sand he began to run again. Adrenaline powered him and once they were out of the water, Kendall laid James out.

"James? James!" Now that they were back on the shore, Kendall was beginning to panic. He bent his head and laid it on James' chest, his heart stopping when he could feel no rise and fall that told him James' lungs were functioning. "Logan, I don't think he's breathing!"

"Kendall?" Logan couldn't move. He stood frozen to the spot, staring at Kendall and the unconscious James. There was a deep gash on James' forehead and even though Logan knew that head wounds were prone to bleeding a lot, he couldn't help but think that it was bleeding _too_ much.

"Logan, do something!" Kendall tore his eyes away from James to meet Logan's white face. "He's not breathing, Logan!" Tears burned the backs of his eyes but Kendall couldn't let himself fall apart. "Logan?"

Logan didn't answer him. It was almost as if he was in another world and he couldn't even hear Kendall's panicked cries. He just stared without speaking.

Kendall whipped around to Carlos who looked no better. "Carlos, run up ad call 911!" He sighed when Carlos stopped staring and rushed up to follow his instructions. "Logan, look at me." He said, praying that Logan would at least tell him what to do. "I need you to either give James CPR or tell me what to do."

"You. . . you have to. . . to breathe." Logan mumbled in a dazed tone of voice. This wasn't supposed to happen to one of his best friends. Only to people he didn't know. "You have to breathe for him."

Even though he didn't exactly give him the best instructions, Logan's words gave Kendall a flash of memory. It was from almost a year ago when Logan had felt it necessary show them all how to do CPR. They hadn't really paid attention to him as he knelt over the CPR dummy but Kendall suddenly remembered everything in sharp detail.

"Okay," He breathed as he knelt over James. "I hope I do this right." He tilted James' head slightly back and pressed his lips to the cold, clammy ones. He gave a couple short breaths, blowing air into James' lungs and then pulled away. Nothing.

"Come on, James." Tears stung Kendall's eyes and he bent over James again, repeating the same process and then pulled away to press his hands to James' chest and give him compressions. He wasn't entirely positive if he was doing it the right way but he couldn't just sit by and _let_ his friend die. Still, as he lost count of how long it had been since he pulled James from the water and how many times he had tried breathing for him, the panic was beginning to win.

"Please," A choked sob escaped him, stilling his motions for just an instant. "James, please." His own breathing was becoming erratic and every attempt to bring James back failed. He leaned forward and blew a pathetic gasp and then straightened up to start chest compressions again.

Just when he felt like he could no longer hold himself together, James' body jerked and he started coughing. Hope filled Kendall and he quickly flipped James over to his side as he coughed up what seemed like the entire ocean. "James," He sighed.

James coughed so hard that dark spots appeared in his vision. It hurt to cough so hard and so much and tears of pain came to his eyes. He was also scaring himself because the coughing made it difficult for him to breathe. But a gentle hand rubbed up and down his back in a soothing matter and a voice calmed him down.

"Just relax. You're okay. You're going to be fine." Kendall repeated the same words over and over again, so relieved that he couldn't think of anything else to say. At last James' coughing stilled and he laid back down on the sand. Both of their chests heaved in matching gaps of air but they were both _breathing._

"K-Kendall," James winced as he spoke, his throat feeling as though someone had wedged sandpaper all along the lining.

"Shhh." Kendall whispered. His own breathing was steadying as he watched James' chest rise up and down. "Don't talk, okay?"

James ignored him. "Wh-what happened?" He asked weakly. Now that he could breathe again, he realized that his head was aching painfully and when he reached up to touch it, his hand came away sticky with blood. "Kendall?"

"Oh crap." Kendall muttered as he remembered James' head injury.

"Here," Seeing James breath and talk again was what finally made Logan move. He had retrieved a towel from their pile of stuff and pressed the soft material gently but firmly to the ugly gash. "Carlos went up to show the paramedics where we are." He muttered to Kendall.

Kendall removed Logan's shaking hand from the towel to hold it to James' forehead himself. "Okay," He said quietly, hoping the his voice would soothe all three of them.

"I'm sorry." Logan whispered, staring at a very much alive James.

"Why?" James glanced in confusion at both of them.

"I couldn't help you." Tears were filling Logan's eyes and beginning to spill down his pale face. "I froze."

"It was scary for all of us." Kendall told him, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw Carlos running towards them with a team of paramedics. "He's fine, Logan."

"James, you're alive!" Carlos said joyfully.

James chuckled and then coughed harshly, wincing at the burning in his throat and lungs. "Ow."

Kendall quickly reached out to touch James' shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Careful" He murmured quietly. "He hit his head on a rock." He informed one of the men that had joined them. "And. . . and he wasn't breathing for a while but. . ." He sucked in a deep breath, trying to keep the tears at bay. But the earlier rush of adrenaline was beginning to fade and to his shame Kendall started to cry.

Even in his dazed stupor, James hated to see Kendall to cry. "Kendall," He rasped.

"S-sorry." Kendall said tearfully. "I. . . I just. . . I was scared."

James' eyes widened slightly. "You? Scared?" He asked in disbelief. "Nothing scares you."

But James was wrong because even though Kendall wasn't scared by much, the mere thought of losing one of his best friends was enough to terrify him. He was scared to let James out of his sight as the paramedics took over and he followed them off the beach because they insisted on taking James to the hospital by ambulance "just in case."

"Let's go." He said wearily to Logan and Carlos. "We'll follow in the car." He grabbed James' hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "See you soon, buddy."

"Thanks, Kendall." James managed a small smile for is friends as he was loaded in the back of the ambulance. "You saved my life."

"You did." Logan said quietly as they drove to the hospital. "If you weren't here. . . James would have died."

Kendall glanced over at Logan and shook his head. "You would have been okay, Logan."

"I froze." Logan said flatly. "He would have died if it was just me there."

Carlos piped up from the back seat. "Logie, if Kendall wasn't there I'm sure you would have snapped out of it in time."

"I _know_ you would have." Kendall said confidently. "Logan, don't worry about what could have happened. The important thing is that James is going to be okay."

Once they reached the hospital, they settled into a corner of the waiting room and Kendall called his mother to tell her what happened. They hadn't been waiting long when a doctor approached them. "James is going to be fine." He said right away, smiling at the three boys when they let out a collective sigh of relief. "We're keeping him overnight for observation because he has a pretty decent sized concussion and we needed to give him six stitches for his head wound but he's going to be fine."

"Can we see him?" Kendall asked as he stood up, Carlos and Logan following his action.

The doctor nodded. "Of course. Follow me."

James was sitting up in his hospital bed when they came in. "Hey, guys." He greeted them, looking tired but much better than he had earlier.

"Hey, James." Kendall smiled for the first time since James' accident and sank down into the nearest chair. "How're you feeling?"

"Tired." James answered honestly. "Almost drowning takes a lot out of you." He tried to joke but when he was met with three glares he turned serious. "Sorry. I know it's not funny."

Kendall shrugged in forgiveness. "Just as long as you're okay." He said with a sigh. "That's all that matters."

"Thanks to you." James replied quietly. "I wish there was a way I could repay you."

"Just don't scare me like that again." Kendall said seriously. "All of you. I need all of my buddies to stick around with me."

**A/N. -cough hack choke- The ending. Oh my, Kendall you are so freaking corny and I love it. Well, Alex/Laura, I really hope that this lived up to your expectations and I hope that it was a good birthday present even though it was super late. I love you so freaking much. Review?**


	13. Family

**A/N. I'm writing too many different things right now but that's okay. I'm writing what inspires me. This is for my friend Lauren because I asked her to make a list of all her favorite things in my BTR stories and she did. So now I'm including all those things into one story. YAY! I don't own anything. -sobs-**

Once a year, families in the United States celebrate their fathers. It's called, quite obviously, Father's Day. Logan Mitchell _hates_ Father's Day. It's one of the handful of days that when he wakes up he just wants to go back to sleep until it's over. He doesn't want to be miserable especially on a day when people are supposed to be happy but he doesn't understand why he has to be reminded of all he's lost.

Logan stares out his bedroom window at the sun shinning brightly and he absentmindedly rubs a faded scar on his hand. Thirteen years ago, when he was six years old, he was in a car accident with his mother. Rebekah Mitchell was killed incidentally but Logan had only suffered the injury of his hand. It was much more than that though because when his mother died, something happened to Logan's father.

If he tries really hard, Logan can remember what Ryan Mitchell was like before his mother's death. He had been everything anyone would want in a father. Fun, loving, protective, as perfect as a human could be. But as time went by and Ryan struggled to raise Logan by himself, he began to draw away from his only child, losing himself in his grief. By the time Logan was nine he hardly ever saw his father and had learned to care for himself.

All of that had been bad enough. But then his father really left him and died in a car accident leaving Logan an orphan at fourteen. Even though he never had to worry about spending any time in an orphanage, Logan had always felt like he was missing out when it came to having a real family.

"Logan!"

The bedroom door flies open, jolting Logan out of his gloomy thoughts. He jumps slightly and then grins when his German Shepherd, Baldwin, rises quickly to his feet and positions himself in front of his owner. "It's okay, boy." He says soothingly. "It's just Kendall." He glances up and greets his friend. "What's up?"

"Sorry," Kendall apologizes to the dog before he answers Logan. "Guess what! My dad just called. He has two tickets to the Wild game tonight and we're going together!"

Kendall's excitement is obvious. He's had his own share of family hardships. When he was only eleven his parents separated and then eventually divorced, leaving Kendall without a father constantly in the house. Still. At least Jefferey Knight always made an effort to be with his son and younger daughter, Katie.

Logan is quick to stick a smile on his face. "That's cool!" He tries to sound enthusiastic but winces when even he can hear how it falls flat.

But to his surprise, Kendall doesn't even notice. He bends down and rubs Baldwin's ears, laughing when the dog whines in pleasure. "I know, isn't it? I can't remember that last time I did something like this with just my dad."

At the honest words, Logan feels a little bad for being jealous of Kendall. It's not his friend's fault that he doesn't have any parents. Kendall's mother adopted him for crying out loud! Kendall is right when he says that he hasn't spent much time alone with his father. He deserves to. Suddenly it's a little easier to smile. "When do you guys leave?" He asks, expecting Kendall to tell him that they're not leaving for a few hours since the game isn't scheduled to start until eight at night.

Kendall checks his watch. "He should be coming by any minute." He says, not noticing how his answer surprises and disappoints Logan. "We're grabbing an early dinner and then we're going to take plenty of time to walk around the stadium and maybe get some autographs."

"That's cool." Logan says again, working to keep the smile in place.

"Is something wrong, Logie?" Kendall's own smile begins to fade and the excitement in his green eyes is replaced by concern.

"No!" Logan says hurriedly. "Um, where's your jersey? You're wearing that tonight aren't you?"

The distraction works like a charm. Kendall snaps his fingers. "Right! That's another reason I wanted to see you before we left. Have you seen my jersey? I looked for it in my closet but-"

Logan chuckles, forgetting his pain for the moment because Kendall is so funny when he's scatterbrained like he is now. "I don't know for sure but I'm pretty sure you left it in the car from when we played hockey yesterday."

"Yes!" Kendall's eyes light up and he grins. "That's it! I remember now. Thanks, Logie." A car horn beeps and Kendall's excitement practically doubles until Logan is surprised he's not bouncing off the walls. "That's him. I'll grab my jersey on the way out. Mom and Katie are out for the day. You're okay, right?"

"Yeah," Logan nods firmly. "I'll call James and Carlos and if they can't do anything I'll take Baldwin out. He could use a nice long walk."

Kendall starts to head out the door but stops at Logan's words. "Are you sure?"

Logan shrugs. "Yeah, why not? It's a beautiful day."

"By yourself?" Kendall asks uncertainly. The car horn beeps again and he bites his lip. "Just. . . don't go too far okay. Do you have your cell phone on you? Is it fully charged?"

"Kendall, I'm not stupid. I'm old enough to take care of myself." Logan snaps in a suddenly exasperated tone.

At first Kendall looks taken aback by the impatient tone in Logan's voice. But he recovers quickly enough to be annoyed himself. "Chill, Logan. I was just making sure."

"Look," Logan gestures to Baldwin who has already noticed the tension in the room and is standing guard by his owner, watching Kendall cautiously. "I have him and my phone. And who knows, maybe I'll have Carlos or James with me. You worry too much, Kendall."

"Well, can you blame me?" Kendall looks really angry right now. "Logan, I'm just worried about you."

"Well, you don't need to be. I'm fine." Logan crosses his arms and tries to look firm. "Really, Kendall. You don't need to freak out right now. Just. . . just go be with your _dad_." The words are much harsher than he intended them to be but he doesn't apologize.

The silence in the room lasts only a few seconds before the car horn sounds again. "Fine." Kendall says quietly. "Go do whatever you want. I don't care. See you tonight." He turns and leaves without another word.

Logan watches him go and sighs. "I'm just sick of being babied." He says quietly. But it's more than that. He can't help but be a little hurt that Kendall has totally forgotten what Father's Day means to _him_. He glances at Baldwin and shrugs as if he doesn't care. "Oh well. I'll see if Carlos and James are busy."

He calls Carlos first but is disappointed to find that his friend is spending the day with his father too. James isn't doing anything but that's because he has a bad cold and sounds absolutely horrible over the phone. Logan tells his friend to feel better and then hangs up. He considers for a minute to call his girlfriend, Camille, but then remembers that her parents have flown in from Connecticut for a visit.

"Looks like it's just you and me, buddy." He tells Baldwin softly. "Wanna go for a walk?"

The dog perks up instantly at the sound of his favorite word. He wags his tail and runs from the room, disappearing down the hallway only to reappear with his red leash between his teeth. He drops it at Logan's feet and then whines impatiently.

"Okay, buddy." Logan laughs and quickly fastens to leash to the collar. "Let's go then."

It really is a beautiful day outside as Logan lets Baldwin lead him down the surprisingly deserted streets. Even though he thinks it's strange that there aren't more people outside Logan is glad to be alone. If he can't be with his best friends, then he really doesn't want to be around anyone else.

"Logan!"

The voice surprises him and Logan turns to see a familiar figure walking towards them. "Luke," He greets, a real smile spreading across his face. "Hi."

"Hi." Luke Adams returns his smile and then bends down to pet Baldwin. "He's _huge_!" He says in disbelief. "What are you feeding this pup?"

"Nothing but regular puppy food." Logan tells him with a laugh. "He's just big. But I don't mind. It's nice to have him with me."

Luke nods in agreement. "So where are you other buddies?" He asks in curiosity.

"Well, except for James who is sick, they're celebrating Father's Day." Logan's smile drops a bit as he remembers what he's missing.

"Oh," Luke says quietly. "Well, I'm not doing anything. Do you mind if I join you boys?"

Logan doesn't mind at all. "Sure. We were going to the park to throw his Frisbee around and then I thought we'd get something for dinner in town. It's a great day to be outside." He's glad for the companionship of another human being especially Luke.

They walk in silence for a bit and then when they're almost at the park, Luke glances over at Logan. "So are how you been doing?"

"Great actually." Logan smiles. "I applied for the community college for this fall semester Justin, my therapist, told me I won't be needing him for very long. I was only seeing him once every two weeks but now. . . I mean, Justin's great and I'll miss him but I'm ready to move on.

Luke nods in understanding. "I'm glad." He says softly. "You're a tough kid, Logan. Not a lot of people would be able to go through what you went through and make so much progress in such a short amount of time."

"Is two years a short amount of time?" Logan asks skeptically.

"Has it been two years?" Luke wonders. "I guess it has. Anyway, I think that in your case or similar situations, two years is a very short amount of time. You really should be proud of yourself."

A faint blush colors Logan's naturally pale cheeks and he ducks his head in embarrassment. "Well," He mumbles. "I had a lot of help. Kendall, James, and Carlos. . . you and Mr. Garcia."

Luke shakes his head. "That day was probably the greatest day of my life. Without a doubt it was the best experience I've ever had as a policeman."

"What about your first day?" Logan asks curiously. "Remember? When we were seven and we got lost in the woods. You saved Carlos' life. He would have drowned if you hadn't been there."

"That was pretty cool I have to say." Luke says with a small smile. "But finding you with Carlos' dad was a miracle. Especially after so much time. . ." He glances at Logan as he speaks and is glad to see that despite their conversation, Logan is clearly relaxed. He truly has come a long way.

**

* * *

**

"Is something on your mind, Kendall?"

Kendall flinches slightly as his father's words and tries to smile. "I guess. But it's not that big of a deal."

It's obvious that his dad doesn't believe him. "Then why aren't you more excited about the game?" He asks. "You've been quiet all day."

"I'm just. . . thinking." Kendall says before he can remember that he told his father that it's not a big deal.

"About?"

"Is this where I got my stubbornness from?" Kendall asks with a a sigh.

Jefferey Knight chuckles softly. "I don't know. Your mother's pretty stubborn too, isn't she?" When Kendall doesn't answer him, he glances over at his son. "So what's up?"

There's no point in trying to evade the questions anymore. "Logan," Kendall says reluctantly. "We kind of had an argument before I left. He said I worry too much. He said he's fine on his own. And I know that he is. It's just. . . hard to pretend like nothing ever happened."

"Kendall, that was more than three years ago." His father reminds him gently. "Logan's been back with us for two years now and he's been making so much progress. It's all right to worry about him but I think you may be holding him back and it's frustrating. He wants to move on, Kendall."

"We all do. We all have." Kendall returns. "But that doesn't mean I can just pretend he. . . he never got kidnapped." His voice shakes slightly but he remains calm. "It doesn't mean that I'm not afraid it won't happen again." He sees his father open his mouth but suddenly his phone rings. "Hang on." He mumbles. "It's Mom."

"Where's your brother?"

The words Kendall is greeted with freeze him and he can't answer his mother at first. "W-what?" He finally stammers out.

"Where's Logan? Katie and I came home and we can't find him anywhere. It looks like he took Baldwin out but there's no note and his cell phone is in his room."

Out of the corner of his eye, Kendall can see his father staring at him in wide-eyed concern. "Mom," He runs a shaky hand through his blonde hair and tries to think before panicking. "Did. . . did you call James or Carlos? He said he might go hang out with them."

"I called both of them first because I thought the same thing. But Carlos was with his father and James is sick. Both of them said that Logan called though."

"So," The no panicking thing isn't working out very well. "So he's not with Carlos or James." Kendall glances up at his father and sees him read the fear in his eyes. He sees him nod and lets out a deep breath. "Dad and I are coming home. We'll be there in a little while." He shuts his phone and nearly drops it as he stands quickly to his feet.

"Details." Kendall's father wraps an arm around his shoulders as they head toward the stadium's exit.

"My mom and Katie just got home and they can't find Logan. Baldwin isn't there either so they think he might have taken him for a walk just like he told me. But there's no note and his cell phone is in his room. We don't know how long he's been gone. If he left after I did then he's been gone for hours." It occurs to him that they might be overreacting and he can only hope that this is the case.. But for now tears come to his eyes as he remembers how he and Logan fought the last time he saw him.

**

* * *

**

"I just wish people would start treating me like normal." Logan tells Luke as the two of them walk with Baldwin down the town's main street. "It's easier that way. I'm don't like to be constantly reminded that I was kidnapped and tortured for fifteen months. I'm not trying to pretend that it didn't happen because that would be stupid and impossible. But I want to move on without people holding me back."

"Have you told anyone else that?" Luke asks.

Logan laughs a little and shakes his head. "It's harder than I thought it would be. I don't want to hurt my friends because I know how much they all care about me. Especially Kendall." Any trace of humor vanishes and Logan grows quiet. "I really wish I didn't fight with him like I did earlier. He just acts like I'm so helpless all the time and I'm not."

"Is that all that upset you earlier today?"

"Have you been taking mind reading lessons from Kendall?" Logan is only partly joking because it is a little weird how Luke seems to sense that there's something else on his mind.

Luke shakes his head. "Nope. Don't take this wrong, Logan, but you're like an open book sometimes. Very easy to read. Besides," He starts to add with a smirk. "I'm a police officer. It's my job to read people."

At that, Logan laughs again, this time with more humor than sarcasm. "Okay then. Well," He reaches up and rubs the back of his neck, deep in thought. "This might sound stupid but I guess it's because it's Father's Day and Kendall and James and Carlos didn't think about how I feel this time. I hate Father's Day. And Mother's Day. But all of my friends have both of their parents and they get so caught up in their own celebration that they forget I can't celebrate with them."

"I know you must feel about Father's Day." Luke surprises him by saying. "My dad left my family when I was three. So obviously it got pretty awkward in school when my elementary classmates were making Father's Day cards and I was pretending to make one only to throw it out on the way home. I had my mom though which I'm always grateful for. But I do know how it feels to be alienated on days like today."

"I'm sorry." Logan says quietly. "I didn't know. I forget I'm not the only one with problems."

Luke starts to answer him but a beep interrupts him and he pulls out a cell phone. "Hello?" His eyebrows shoot up in surprise as he listens to whoever is calling him. "Carlos- Carlos, wait. He's right here with me. He's fine. He was out with Baldwin and I joined them." He glances over at Logan just in time to see the teen's eyes widen in understanding. "Don't worry. We're headed right over, okay? See ya."

"I didn't leave a note." Logan says before Luke can tell him anything. "And I left my cell phone home too. I was just so distracted that I completely forgot. And I've been gone for a few hours."

Luke nods wavering between amusement and seriousness. "Your mom and sister came home to find the house empty. The only reason they didn't panic right away was that he," He nods to Baldwin. "Was gone too. They thought you might have taken him out."

"I did." Logan replies faintly, trying to look at it from his mother's perspective. He can see why she ended up calling Carlos' father anyway. "So how bad?"

"Everyone is there." Luke answers mildly. "James and Carlos and their families, Camille, Kendall and his dad."

"But they were all supposed to be with their families and James was sick!" Logan exclaims. "I don't believe this. I ruined Father's Day for everyone."

Luke shakes his head in disagreement. "I think that's an exaggeration, don't you think? They're just worried. Now they're not because they know you're with me and that we'll be back in a little while."

The words offer Logan the slightest bit of comfort but he still quickens his pace as they head back home. Just like Luke said, it's obvious right from the start that everyone is there when they return. Before they even reach the porch, the front door flies open and Camille rushes over to him.

"Logan," She says, laughing in relief through her tears. "You scared me."

Logan lets Luke take the dog from him so he can wrap both arms around his girlfriend. "I'm sorry." He says guiltily. "I wasn't thinking when I left the house earlier today."

Camille pulls away and gives him a quick kiss. "Don't be." She says, shaking her head. "I'm just glad that you're okay."

"I'm fine." Logan assures her, feeling worse instead of better when he sees how his mysterious absence affected her. When they enter the house he just wants the floor to open up and swallow him because everyone still looks a little freaked out.

"Logie!" Carlos bounds over to him from the other side of the room and pulls him away from Camille. "What's up with you not leaving a note or anything? Of all the times to be irresponsible."

His words are meant to make Logan relax a little and it works. Logan cracks a small smile. "I know." He says as he squirms out of Carlos' tight embrace only to be practically lifted off of his feet by James.

"James! You're gonna get him sick too!" Carlos' eyes widen. "You're going to give us all the Bubonie. . . the Bluebonic. . ." He pauses and glances at Logan.

"The Bubonic Plague." Logan tells him with another smile.

James rolls his eyes but lets go of Logan and takes a couple steps backwards. "I don't have the Bubonic Plague." He says hoarsely. "Just a cold."

Carlos leans closer to Logan and whispers in his ear. "I bet that's what they all said."

"You should sit down anyway, James." Logan tells his friend gently because the normally tan skin is looking a sickly shade of white. He waits until James obeys him and then scans the room with his eyes for Kendall.

He's standing in the corner of the room, looking just as pale as James but not because he's sick. When he meets Logan's gaze, Kendall moves slowly until he's standing right in front of him. Logan opens his mouth to say something but Kendall cuts him off by dragging him into a tight hug. "I'm sorry." He whispers in a voice that breaks. I'm sorry I treated you like you're helpless and I'm sorry I got mad at you and I'm sorry I left you alone today."

"Kendall," Logan's own voice shakes when he hears the tears in Kendall's voice. "Don't cry. Please." But when his only answer is a small sob that is muffled from Kendall's face being pressed into his shoulder, Logan returns the hug with as much strength as he can gather. "I'm sorry too."

"Guys!" Carlos protests after a little while. "Stop apologizing for every little thing. We're all human. We all make mistakes!"

James laughs and then promptly goes into a harsh coughing fit. "I can't believe I'm saying this," He gasps out once he's finished coughing. "But Carlos is right."

"Maybe." Kendall says, relaxing his hold on Logan. "But I'm still sorry. All I could think of when Mom called me was that the last time we talked, we argued and then I couldn't think straight after that."

"I'm sorry I worried everyone." Logan says, looking ashamed. "I didn't do it on purpose, I just wanted to. . . I don't know."

"It's fine, Logie." Carlos says cheerfully. "Just as long as we're all okay and we are even though James has the-" He cuts himself off when he sees the glare James sends him. "I mean, even though James has a cold."

"What are you guys going to do now though?" Logan asks, still bothered that his brief pity party caused so much trouble.

But Kendall only shrugs. "I don't know. Or care. Hang out with my best friends. Sound good to you guys?"

James nods. "Can we watch _Miracle_?" He asks hopefully. When his question is met with three disbelieving stares, he tries to explain himself. "What? I'm too sick to do anything else!"

"I'll get it set up!" Carlos announces. "Kendall and Logan, you guys go get snacks and James. . ." He taps his chin thoughtfully. "Just stay there and. . . be an invalid."

They all laugh and then hurry to follow Carlos' instructions. "Kendall," Logan says softly as they wait for a bag of popcorn. "I'm really sorry. You should have been able to go to the game with your dad and just have fun without worrying about me. And I'm sorry that I was stupid and got mad at you. I was just jealous because I wish I had my dad and-"

"Don't worry about it anymore, Logan." Kendall says shaking his head. "Carlos is right. We're all okay and that's all that matters. I should have known that today would upset you but I was too caught up in the game. I don't blame you for getting so distracted. Let's just go hang out with James and Carlos now and enjoy the movie."

Logan relaxes and rolls his eyes. "I think we've all gotten to the point that _Miracle_ is just another part of our day instead of something that we enjoy."

"Speak for yourself." James says, catching Logan's words as the two walk into the family room where the previews have started.

Kendall gives Logan a small shove that sets him on the couch and then joins his two friends. "Carlitos!" He orders. "What are you doing?"

Carlos tumbles back into the room followed by Baldwin. "I wanted to hang out with him too." He says sheepishly.

Logan snaps his fingers. "Come here, boy!" He coaxes the puppy who bounds instantly to his side. "Okay, Carlos. He's here."

They barely fit on the couch, especially with the overgrown dog that stretches himself across all of their laps and goes to sleep before the opening credits finish. But Logan leans his head on Kendall's shoulder and Carlos does the same with James and it works. They can hear the adults talking in the next room over and Logan smiles thinking of how a simple Father's Day has turned into a Family Day.

**A/N. I'm sorry. I've barely slept at all for a week now. I'm blaming that horribly cheesy ending on my severe sleep deprivation. But yes, I think I got everything on Lauren's list in here muhahaha. Um, I'll update whatever I'm inspired to write next. But I feel like telling you that music has been inspiring me to write a bunch of one-shots since the lack of consistent reviews in my multi-chapter stories is kind if killing my motivation. -shot- But um, here are some songs that have been inspiring me lately: 'Say Goodbye' by Skillet because Skillet is obviously incredible. 'Everything You Ever Wanted' and 'Zero' by Hawk Nelson, 'One Moment More' by Mindy Smith', 'Down' by Jason Walker', 'Untitled' by Simple Plan and. . . that's all. Yeah. So um, review this? I LOVE YOU ALL -kisses and hugs- Oh, and 'Big Time Beach Party' lol. I officially hate Jo. She's so annoying and always jealous and I think the boys should just all be single so that they can hang out with each other. Kendall's stalker old man was one of my favorite parts of the episode. I also love James and Carlos and Logan and Patchy the Pirate and Katie and Russel Brand and Mrs. Knight. Yeah. I just loved the episode. Okay, I'm sorry. I ramble when I'm tired. Peace!**


	14. Heal

**A/N. Apologies for my breakdown with 'Insomnia'. But I think it helped. I do know two things that really did help me. My soul-mate Lauren, who has basically been keeping me sane while I struggled all this time with the worst case of Writer's Block ever, and the music of Casting Crowns that made me cry last night because suddenly everything in my life got a whole lot easier. It is now a life goal of mine to hug Lauren and Mark Hall. Okay? Anyway, this is for Lauren because she kind of suggested it a while ago but I changed it a little so that it will be even more awesome. Um, that is all. Except that I love coffee. And that I'm ignoring all the school work I have because I'm actually inspired to write for the first time in a while. Oh, and I don't own anything.**

"Kendall, wake up, sweetie."

Fourteen-year-old Kendall groaned and tried to move away from the gentle hand that was shaking him awake. He finally gave up and peered up sleepily at his mother. "Mom," He said around an enormous yawn. "It's Saturday." Before she could answer him he noticed tears in her eyes and every trace of sleep disappeared. "What's wrong?" He asked, bolting upright into a sitting position.

Mrs. Knight took a deep breath and tried to smile to reassure her son but it was no use. "Kendall, I have something to tell you. The hospital just called-"

"The hospital?" Kendall interrupted, panicking. "Why? Is someone hurt? What happened?" When he wasn't answered right away, fear dried his throat and he croaked out a plea. "Mom? Who's hurt?"

"Logan-"

That was all Kendall heard before he interrupted his mother again. "Logan," He whispered, terror making it hard for him to breath now. "Mom, is he okay?" His heart pounded wildly in his chest and tears hung suspended in the back of his eyes, ready to fall at any moment.

His mother took him firmly by the shoulders and then drew him into a hug. "Kendall, let me finish please." She said gently, her voice breaking slightly. "Logan is fine. He's not hurt at all."

Air filled Kendall's lungs again and he let out a shaky sigh of relief. "M-Mom." He stammered weakly. "Then what _is _wrong?" All he knew was that his mother's tears had something to do with Logan but whatever it was it couldn't be too bad because Logan himself was all right.

"Logan's father was in a car accident early this morning on his way into work. He. . . he didn't make it, Kendall."

The relief of knowing that Logan was okay was still too great for Kendall to be too grieved over the news. It didn't really hit him. Yes, he felt sorrow for one of his best friends but Kendall remained somewhat distracted by his earlier fear. "Oh," He managed in a whisper. "Why. . . why did the hospital call us?"

"Because Logan asked them to." Mrs. Knight pulled slowly away from her son. "Kendall, Logan doesn't have a family now."

The realization hit Kendall then and his mind grabbed at the first thought that came to him. "What's going to happen to him?" He asked, tears filling his eyes again.

"Well, right now we're going to go to the hospital and bring him back home with us. Then. . ." His mother sighed deeply and then stood up. "We'll see what happens after that." She saw Kendall open his mouth in protest and shook her head. "Kendall, let's just take this one day at a time okay? Now get ready."

Kendall struggled into a change of clothes and hurried downstairs to find his younger sister Katie sitting quietly at the breakfast table, her eyes red from crying. "Hey, baby sister." He said quietly as he gave her a hug. "Coming with us?"

Katie sniffed loudly and nodded with her face pressed tightly into her brother's shirt. "Yeah." She whimpered, sounding close to tears.

"Are you going to eat, kids?" Mrs. Knight asked tiredly. When they both shook their heads, she didn't push them and instead gave them a small smile. "All right then. Let's go."

"Mom, what about James and Carlos?" Kendall asked, finally remembering his other best friends. "Do they know yet?"

In answer, she handed him her cell phone. "I can call later if you don't want to right now. But right now I want to be there for Logan and I can't drive and talk on the phone at the same time."

Kendall was already dialing James as he walked out the front door. "What. . . what should I tell them?" He asked, feeling at a complete loss for words.

"Just. . . just tell them what's happening and tell them to come to our house when they can." Mrs. Knight started the car and backed out of the driveway as she spoke.

Kendall nodded mechanically and then jumped at the sound of James' voice asking him why he was calling at 7:30 on a Saturday morning. "James," He said, his voice cracking as he could no longer hold back his tears.

"What's wrong?" James asked, suddenly quiet and alert.

"Logan's dad is dead." Kendall was too numb to break the news gently. "He was in a car accident on his way to work this morning." It briefly occurred to him how strange is was that Mr. Mitchell had been driving to work on a _Saturday_ but then he heard James start to cry quietly and he forgot everything else. "My mom and Katie and I are going to the hospital now. We're bringing Logan back home with us for now. Can. . . can you call Carlos and meet us at home?"

"Y-yes." James whispered. "Kendall, are. . . are you sure?"

Kendall swallowed hard and then nodded before he remembered that James couldn't see him. "Yeah," He answered. "I'm sure. The hospital contacted us. Logan. . . Logan is there all alone. Can you call Carlos or do you want me to?" He really didn't want to call Carlos. He didn't want to say the new out loud again.

"I'll call him." James sniffed and took a deep, shuddering breath. "We'll be there for you guys when you get home."

It was on the tip of Kendall's tongue to to thank James but the dial tone stopped him and he realized that James had already hung up. He dropped the phone and sighed, resting his head on the back of his seat. "Are we almost there?" He asked, wearily.

Mrs. Knight nodded, keeping her eyes on the road. "We'll be there in five minutes." She told him, reaching over with one hand to pat him on the knee.

Kendall returned her nod and then stared out the window, Katie's quiet sobs the only noise he could absorb. He couldn't believe this was happening. Logan, who had lost his mother in a car accident when the boys were only six, had just lost his father in the same way. It was a cruel thing to happen to the most undeserving person in the world. Logan was an orphan now. He didn't have a family.

As soon as they pulled into the hospital parking lot, Kendall unbuckled his seat belt. Ignoring his mother as she tried to stop him, he swung open the car door and headed to the emergency room doors, not caring that he had no idea where he was supposed to go.

It didn't matter because as soon as he walked into the waiting room, he spotted Logan sitting by himself. He had never seen someone look so completely alone while surrounded by people. Logan didn't even look up when Kendall sat down next to him. "Logie?" Kendall whispered quietly.

At last Logan looked at Kendall and his eyes were filled with so much pain that it made Kendall's heart literally ache to see him. "I miss him already." He whispered in a voice that shook badly. "Kendall, what's going to happen to me? I. . . I don't have anybody left. I don't want to go to an orphanage. What if I never see you and James and Carlos again? I can't. . . I'm scared."

Kendall listened to Logan ramble and then reached out for him slowly, as if he was afraid of scaring Logan away. "It's going to be okay, Logan. We won't let them take you away from us."

Logan broke from his frozen position and leaned forward, letting Kendall hug him, the tears finally winning. "Promise?" He begged for reassurance.

He was only fourteen but ever since he, Logan, James, and Carlos had become best friends nine years ago, Kendall had sworn to take care of his friends. He wouldn't let something like a tragic death in their family to stop him. "I promise." He told Logan, knowing that he could never live with himself if he was forced to break the bold promise. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his mother and younger sister walking towards them but he didn't let go of Logan to point them out. "We're never leaving you, Logan."

**

* * *

**

It was two days after Mr. Mitchell's funeral. Logan hadn't said much or even cried very much. He had been staying with the Knights and seemed afraid to let Kendall or James or Carlos out of his sight for very long, as if he might be taken away from them forever. James and Carlos barely left the Kendall's house themselves, only when their parents wanted them home for the night. Everyone was afraid.

"Logan and Kendall?" Mrs. Knight walked into the family room where the four boys were sitting together, hardly paying attention to the hockey game that was on TV. "I need to speak with the two of you."

Wordlessly, James and Carlos got up and after giving the other two forced smiles, reluctantly left for their own homes. "What's going on, Mom?" Kendall asked as Katie came into the room and the two of them sat down across from the boys.

Mrs. Knight took a deep breath, obviously struggling with the words to speak. "I realize that you both know that Logan has no official home right now. The state has been letting him stay with us while they try to find. . . arrangements."

Logan stiffened beside Kendall. "Okay?" He asked uncertainly.

The fear in his eyes was heartbreaking to see. "Logan," Mrs. Knight began slowly. "You're a minor which means you need somewhere to stay at least until you're eighteen. I've. . . been speaking with your. . . father's lawyer about the situation. By now you should probably be with a foster family-"

"I don't want to live with strangers." Logan rarely interrupted but he couldn't help himself. "Please don't make me live with people I don't know."

"Or," Mrs. Knight started again, picking up where she had left off. "Or you could be adopted."

"Mom," Kendall turned to pleading. "You can't let them take Logan away from us. He doesn't have anyone left and we. . . we can't let people he doesn't even know try to be his family."

"That's what I'm here to talk to you about." His mother said as calmly as she could. "That's why I needed to talk to you boys and Katie without James and Carlos here. Logan, I have a very serious question for you."

Logan couldn't speak so he nodded and then closed his eyes, waiting for whatever was to come.

Mrs. Knight moved to sit beside him and took one of his hands until he opened his eyes and looked at her. "Logan, you've always been like a son to me, I hope you know that. But I was wondering if you would be okay if we made things a little more official."

It was honestly the last thing Kendall and Logan had expected to hear. Speech was still beyond Logan's ability but Kendall managed to at least make a pathetic attempt. "Mom," He asked, trying not to jump to conclusions. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I would love for Logan to become a part of our family." Mrs. Knight told them with a small smile.

"Y-you mean you want to adopt m-me?" Logan asked before he could stop himself.

"Only if you want to." Mrs. Knight answered. "If not then maybe you'll consider living with the Diamonds or the Garcias. We would all love to have you stay with us, Logan, but it's your choice."

Logan stared at her, hardly daring to believe what was right in front of me. "You mean, you all want to adopt me. But. . . why?"

"Because you're a son to all of us, sweetie. Now, if you do decide that you want this then we'll have to go through a long process and it probably won't be easy for any of us but your father's lawyer told me that he's optimistic it would all work out. So, take some time to think about it and-"

"I don't. . . I don't need to think about it." Logan said quietly.

Kendall turned to stare at him, holding his breath as he waited for him to finish. "Well?" He asked, unable to stay completely silent for very long. He and Logan could become real brothers. They would never have to worry about losing him. But what if Logan didn't want them to adopt him? The fear was irrational, Kendall knew that deep down inside, and yet he couldn't help but worry.

Then Logan smiled for the first time in days. It was barely there but it was real and then he nodded. "Yes," He whispered. "Please." The tears that came to his eyes were not tears of grief and sorrow and loss, but tears of joy and relief. Maybe, just maybe, he could have a family again.

* * *

"Just sign here then." The judge shoved a final sheet of paper across the table to Kendall's mother and smiled when he saw the mounting excitement in the small group that waited in nervous anticipation.

Logan couldn't take his eyes off of Kendall's mother as she picked up the pen and without the slightest hesitation, signed her signature on the dotted line. He could barely breathe as she looked up and smiled through her own tears and then reached over to shake the judge's hand. "Thank you very much." He heard her say.

"Congratulations." The judge responded with another smile.

"Logan!" Kendall was the first to really comprehend what had just happened and before he could stop himself, he flung his arms around Logan, practically lifting the smaller boy right off of his feet. "We're brothers!" He was caught completely off guard when Logan started to shake violently with sobs and backed off. "Logie?" He asked, suddenly afraid.

Logan tried as hard as he possibly could to stop crying but instead he sank back down into his chair and buried his face into his hands, crying harder than he had even when he learned of his father's death. He tried to speak through his tears but it was impossible.

"Sweetie," Mrs. Knight gently moved Kendall to stand beside Katie who was staring in shock at Logan. "Come here." She drew her newest son into a tight embrace and held him while he clung to her and cried even harder. "It's going to be okay, Logan."

Logan was dimly aware that his sudden outbreak of tears had probably scared Kendall and Katie but he still couldn't stop. "I'm s-sorry." He finally managed to gasp out weakly.

"Don't be sorry, Logan." Kendall found his voice when it came to him that Logan wasn't crying because he didn't want to be a part of their family. He was crying because he was happy because he was a part of their family. The relief was overwhelming and Kendall sighed deeply and then sat down with Katie.

At last Logan regained his control and smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry," He said again, despite Kendall telling him not to be sorry. "I'm. . . I'm really happy." Happier than he had been in so long actually, but how could he begin to describe it to them?

"Are you okay now to head home?" Mrs. Knight asked him, slightly concerned.

Home. A wide smile broke out across Logan's face and he nodded. "Yes," He said with a short laugh. "Let's go home."

**

* * *

**

It had been hard for Kendall and Logan to settle down and head off to bed but finally just before midnight, they said goodnight and parted ways with Katie and Mrs. Knight and then each other. But now it was 1:30 in the morning and Kendall was still wide-awake, grinning into the pitch dark of his room. Logan, his new brother, was right across the hall in his own room. Kendall wondered if he would ever sleep again.

But his happiness was soon exchanged for worry because Kendall's sharp hearing suddenly picked up on an unexpected noise. He sat up and listened carefully, holding his breath as he waited. He wasn't imagining things. Logan was crying.

Kendall flung his covers away and stumbled to his door, yanking it open before he remembered that he shouldn't wake his mother or Katie. So he made himself move more slowly and quietly across the hallway to Logan's closed door. He opened the door and switched on the light, expecting to see Logan sitting up. He was confused to see that Logan appeared to be sleeping. He was crying in his sleep, Kendall realized.

Kendall remained in the doorway, not sure what his next move should be. Then he crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the bed and placed a hand on Logan's shoulder. "Logan," He hissed in a gentle whisper. "Wake up, Logan. You're. . . having a dream."

It surprised him when Logan responded so quickly. His eyes shot open to stare at Kendall. "Kendall," He whispered. "What-"

"You. . . had a dream?" Kendall offered, feeling awkward. It wasn't every day that your best friend had a nightmare and you had to make sure he was okay. He didn't want to embarrass Logan. "Do you want me to get my- I mean, do you want me to get Mom?" His mom was Logan's mom too and he wanted Logan to remember that.

Logan didn't seem to care that he was a fourteen-year-old boy crying over a bad dream. He sat up, leaning unconsciously into Kendall. "Don't wake her up." He said quietly. "I'm okay. I'm sorry I woke you up."

"Logan," Kendall shoved the awkward feeling away because it was clear that Logan needed him. "You know that you can tell me anything, right?" He wrapped an arm across Logan's shaking shoulders and pulled him closer. "Are you missing your dad?"

"I've been missing him since I was six." Logan said before he could stop himself. He saw Kendall's eyes widen in disbelief. "It's nothing." He said, trying to make Kendall forget he had spoken.

"No," Kendall shook his head, refusing to let Logan off the hook when something was obviously really wrong. "What do you mean, Logan? Tell me or I really will get Mom."

The threat was brotherly and so caring that Logan felt more tears begin to burn his eyes. "No," He whispered. "Don't. I'll. . . I'll tell you." He sighed and felt Kendall's arm tighten around his shoulders. "When. . . when my mom died, my dad changed. I never told anyone because. . . I don't know. But it was like he didn't really want to be my dad anymore. He started working all the time and he never really talked or played with me anymore."

"Are you serious?" Kendall asked, completely stunned. He had always known that Logan's father worked a lot but he thought it was because he was just working hard to support himself and his son.

Logan nodded. "Not right away I guess. But the more time that passed, the more he worked and the less he talked to me. By the time I was eight it was like we were complete strangers living in the same house."

Everything made sense then. From the way Logan looked up to the fathers of his three best friends to the fact that he had spent more time at their houses than his own home. Kendall felt like a stupid and horrible friend for not putting it all together until now. He thought of how Mr. Mitchell had never once made it to a hockey game or school event. He thought of all the business trips he took and how Logan never invited his friends over, especially around Christmas time.

"I thought he hated me and blamed me for what happened." Logan said, drawing Kendall from his thoughts. "Why else would he stop spending time with me? He was always so busy because he didn't want to be with me. That's why he's dead. Because he went to work on a weekend. He didn't want to be stuck at home with me."

Kendall's throat tightened and he put his other arm around Logan in a hug. "Logie," He whispered as tears began to fill his eyes. "Logan, I'm so sorry." The guilt that flooded him was all-consuming as he tried to comprehend what he had just learned.

"Why?" Logan asked in honest confusion. "Why are you sorry? You didn't do anything wrong, Kendall."

"I should have noticed." Kendall replied, regretting all those years he had shrugged off the fact that Logan hardly ever talked about his father. He should have known something was going on. They all should have noticed. They, he, had failed Logan.

"Kendall, you and James and Carlos have been my best friends. You're my brother now. What-"

"All that means I should have noticed." Kendall shook his head. "If I was really your best friend then I should have noticed that something was wrong."

"I never said anything." Logan told him, hating the pain that was in Kendall's eyes. "It's _not_ your fault."

"Maybe not completely." Kendall muttered, refusing to let himself off the hook completely. "Logan, you do know that it's not your fault your mom and dad are. . . gone, right?" He waited for Logan to assure him but his question was only met with silence. "Logan," He began as firmly as he could. "It's not your fault."

"Then why didn't he love me? I tried everything to get his attention. That's why I tried so hard at hockey and got such good grades in school. I just wanted him to notice me. Why didn't it work? What did I do wrong? Why didn't he care?" Logan's voice trembled and he wiped at his eyes, brushing tears away.

_Because he was stupid_. Hatred for Mr. Mitchell and the damage he had inflicted upon his only child flooded Kendall but he suppressed it for Logan's sake. "He did love you, Logan." He said softly. "I don't really understand why he treated you like he did. You're much stronger than he ever was though and that's why you didn't let what happened to your mom pull you away from us the way he did." As Kendall spoke, he couldn't help wondering how many nights Logan had spent crying alone while his father remained lost in his own grief.

"I'm really happy that your mom adopted me." Logan said quietly. "But I don't know if I deserve you as my family."

"Of course you do." Kendall said firmly. "Logan, you deserve to have the best family possible." Logan deserved more than Kendall had been over the past years but he didn't say that aloud.

But Logan suddenly smiled ever so slightly. "That's what I have now." He whispered. "I miss both of my parents but it's okay because I still have my best friends. I wouldn't have it any other way right now."

Kendall allowed himself a small smile. "We feel the same way, Logan." He said. "Katie is so excited to have another big brother and my mom loves you just as much as me and Katie."

"What about you?" Logan couldn't help but ask.

"Me?" Kendall asked. "You're my brother now, Logan. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me before. I just wish it didn't have to happen this way. I wish you didn't have to hurt so much. I wish I had been there for you before."

Logan shrugged. "But you are now. Right?"

Kendall nodded and hugged Logan closely again. "I always will be, Logan." He promised. "We all will." It occurred to him that Logan was broken far worse than he had ever thought possible. But he promised himself to never let anyone hurt Logan or any of his friends so much ever again. He promised himself to take care of everyone and slowly, over time, maybe he along with the rest of his family anad friends, would help Logan begin to heal.

**A/N. I have so much school work adfgurtgyt. But I can write again so I don't really care. I'll get to it later. Right now I'm going outside to enjoy this glorious day. I hope you liked this! I'm sorry if some of the scene changes were abrupt or if I made any mistakes but it's okay, right? I love you all and I hope you have a wonderful weekend! **


	15. Expectations

**A/N. Another one-shot because I'm tired and I can't think enough to update either of my multi-chapter stories. Um, in case there's any confusion, I have two different story lines in my BTR universe. The first is the 'Little Hollow' universe where Logan's dad is an extra big jerk and the second one is where I always have Ryan Mitchell dead when the boys are fourteen. Like the last one-shot I wrote. This is from the first universe because the boys are almost sixteen and Mr. Mitchell is still alive. -heart - I mean. . . darn him. Anyway, hope that cleared things up a little bit. I don't own anything.**

Logan Mitchell straightened up from where he had been sitting hunched over at his desk. He twisted his neck from side to side, wincing when he felt it crack painfully. He glanced at the clock nearby and was surprised to see how late it was. He had been working on his extra credit math project for a lot longer than he had originally thought. He still wanted to do some research for his science fair project too.

He yawned, realizing just how tired he was and decided to end the late night study session since it was highly unlikely any of the information was actually being absorbed by his weary brain. Logan shut the textbook and shoved his notebook away then stood up. As he did so, his hand hit his cell phone and sent it flying to the floor. Logan quickly bent down to retrieve it and saw that he had several text messages, all of them from his friends. He flipped the phone open to read them, a frown forming as he did.

_Hey, Logie! Want to sleep over and have a hockey marathon tonight? James and Carlos will be there too. - Kendall at 3:51pm._

_Logan! Are you coming over Kendall's house? Bring candy! - Carlos at 4:10pm_

_Logie, tell Kendall and Carlos that we have to watch 'Miracle' tonight! – James at 4:12pm_

_Not sure if you got my last message. I know your cell phone hasn't been working that well. Carlos and James and I want to get together tonight and have a hockey marathon. Want to join us? - Kendall at 4:30pm_

_Just walked by your house and it didn't look like anyone was home. Hope to see you at Kendall's! - Carlos at 4:56pm_

_Logan, if you're coming, bring your copy of 'Miracle'. Kendall hid his – James at 5:11pm._

_Is everything okay, Logan? - Kendall at 5:27pm_

_Logie! Where are you? -Carlos at 5:34pm_

_Logie, we need you, buddy! It's not as much fun as it is with you! - James at 5:55pm_

_Haven't heard from you since at school. Tried calling your home phone but no one answered. What's up? -Kendall at 6:07pm_

_We're really worried, Logan – Kendall at 7:45pm_

_If you don't call back in an hour we're coming over there – Kendall at 8:57pm_

_Dude, if you're alive let us know okay? - Carlos at 9:15pm_

_LOGAN! - James at 9:23pm_

_Okay, it hasn't been an hour but we're leaving now anyway. - Kendall at 9:30_

Logan's eyes widened when he saw that he also had six voice mails. Why hadn't he realized his friends had been trying to get a hold of him all day long? He swung around and looked back at his clock. Just after 9:30. Maybe he still had time-

Downstairs, the doorbell rang followed by an incessant knocking sound. Logan groaned and left his room and hurried down the stairs to fling the front door open. "Sorry, guys-"

"Logan!" Kendall loosened the tight fist he had made to knock at the door and dropped his hand to his side. Without waiting for an invitation, he walked in, followed closely by James and Carlos, and finally, to Logan's shock, Luke Adams, an officer on the same police force that Carlos' father was the chief of. "Are you okay, Logan? We sent you a million texts and left a bunch of voice mails on your cell _and _your home phone. Why didn't you answer any of them?"

"Um. . ." Logan trailed off as he fumbled for a response. "I didn't notice to be honest with you."

He was being honest but his three friends all wore matching expressions of disbelief. "How did you not notice?" Carlos demanded. "We were really worried!"

"Logan?" The four boys and Luke whirled around to see Ryan Mitchell, Logan's father, walk into the room, looking completely lost. "What's going on?"

"Dad!" Logan blurted out. "S-sorry. We didn't bother you did you? I know you're working hard on a case-"

"Mr. Mitchell," Luke said in a formal tone of voice. "I ran into James and Kendall and Carlos on their way over here. They said they had been trying to get a hold of Logan all afternoon and evening. We were just making sure everything is okay."

Mr. Mitchell blinked, still confused. "I see." He said, even though he didn't sound very convincing at all. "Well. . . Logan?"

Kendall stepped forward then, looking angry. "We called the home phone too." He said glancing at James and Carlos to receive confirming nods. "No one answered."

"Oh." At last understanding dawned upon the man's face. "Well, I apologize for that. As Logan mentioned I've been tied up with a very important case and I suppose I lost track of time and wasn't paying attention to much else."

Logan's face turned bright red when he saw the barely suppressed anger begin to rise in Kendall's eyes. Carlos and James looked no better while Luke looked practically murderous. "Anyway," He said, laughing nervously. "Sorry about that Dad. You can, um, go back to work if you need to."

Ryan nodded, already looking distracted again. "Yes, I think I will. Thanks for your concern, boys. . . Lance?"

Before anyone could speak up, Luke nodded and shook Ryan's hand. "Yes, that's my name." He said with a perfectly straight face. "Short for Lancelot, actually."

Logan was mortified when his father only nodded again and mumbled an awkward farewell before leaving the front room to return to his office. "Sorry," He muttered to Luke. "He's. . . not the best with names."

"He called me "Kendall" once." James offered looking torn between finding the brief conversation between Luke and Logan's father, hysterical or pathetic.

"He's just a little distracted." Logan excused his father, hoping dearly that the others would drop the subject.

It worked. "He wasn't the only one today." Kendall said, raising his eyebrows and looking at Logan questioningly. "What the heck were you so busy with?"

"Oh!" Logan looked relieved then and grinned sheepishly. "Just an extra credit math project I picked up last Monday. It's due at the end of next week. I also wanted to get a start on my science fair project. I'm really sorry-"

"Logan, you don't _need_ any extra credit. You have an A and it's an honors class." Carlos reminded him. "And the science fair isn't for three months. Why are you doing this?"

Logan raised his gaze to the ceiling while he tried to think of a good explanation. "Um, because I felt like it I guess? Math is fun. And you can never get a fast enough start. If I come up with something really good then I might go to the state competition."

"It's not that fun." Kendall rolled his eyes. "You need to get out more, Logie. Or at least let us know that you're alive every now and then so we didn't have to check up on you like you're five." He noticed Logan flinch at his harsh words and softened his voice. "Just don't do it again. You had us really worried."

"You didn't have to come." Logan ducked his head in pure shame.

"Right." Kendall snorted and rolled his eyes again.

"We didn't just run into Luke by the way." Carlos said in a whisper, suddenly feeling the need to give Logan the particular piece of information. "I called my dad and he sent Luke over. Just in case."

"Oh," Logan looked awkward and humiliated by all the attention. "Thanks. I'm really sorry you came over here for nothing and that I worried you. I won't do it again. Promise."

Kendall shook his head, ignoring the fact that Logan was obviously trying to dismiss them. "Come on over." He told Logan, the invitation sounding more like an order. "It's the weekend. You have all day Sunday to work on your project if you want to."

Logan shifted his weight from one foot to the other and bit down on his bottom lip. "Um, I don't know if I can." He said vaguely. "I can ask my dad, I guess."

_He wouldn't even notice if you were gone. _Kendall was careful not to say the thought aloud. "Don't sound so excited about it, Logan. You don't have to if you really don't want to. I just think you should. We missed you earlier."

Logan pasted a careful smile on his face. "No, I want to." He said honestly. "Let me grab my stuff and tell my dad. I'm sure it won't be a problem." He turned and ran quickly upstairs to get his things together. It was only for one night so he was back downstairs in a few minutes. "Be right back."

His dad's office was at the back of his house. Logan tapped quietly at the door. "Can I come in?" He asked.

Ryan Mitchell looked at his son from over the tops of his reading glasses and nodded. "Of course."

Logan stopped in the doorway, feeling out of place around his own father. "It;s okay if I sleep over Kendall's house tonight, right? I don't have any homework except for an extra credit math project that I have plenty of time to finish. It's not extra credit that I need. Mr. Jensen said that I'm at the top of my class. I just wanted to-"

"Right. That's fine, Logan. Have fun at Kendall's." Mr. Mitchell nodded and bent over his paperwork again. When Logan didn't leave right away he looked back up. "Is there something else you wanted to ask me, Logan?"

"Dad-" Logan began, suddenly wanting to ask his father why he had to be so busy all the time or maybe ask him is he planned on coming to the science fair. But he was interrupted by a ringing and he stopped talking when his father held up a hand to politely silence him.

"Hold on." Ryan held his work cell to his ear and listened. "Yes, hello, Carl. Can you hold for just a second? Thank you."

Logan brightened as he waited for his father to give him his attention again but it didn't last long.

"Logan, this is a really important call. Can whatever you wanted to ask me wait until tomorrow or Sunday?"

"Sure," Logan said before he gave it a second thought. "Yeah. It's not that-"

"Thank you for waiting, Carl. When is the best day for you during the week to meet and discuss things further? Tomorrow or Sunday? No, that won't be a problem."

Logan sighed and turned to leave the office when a calender caught his eye. Out of curiosity, he flipped it over to see if his father had anything planned ahead on the same date as the science fair. He felt his heart sink when he saw the a week long business trip took up not only that date but the day of the state science fair as well. His shoulders slumped in defeat and he threw a goodbye back to his father before leaving.

"Okay," He said as he rejoined his friends and Luke who was still waiting. "I'm ready."

"I'll give you boys a lift." Luke nodded to his unmarked police car that was parked out by the curb. "It's cold out there."

The ride was short, only ten minutes. "Thanks, Luke." Logan said as he opened his door. "And thanks for coming over earlier. I'm sorry if it bothered you at all."

"Not at all." Luke shook his head. "Kendall, can you stay behind for a minute? I want to ask you something about. . ." His eyes studied James and Carlos and Logan as they all watched curiously. "I wanted to ask you something about the Minnesota Wild." He finally finished, hoping that he sounded more convincing than he thought he did.

James laughed. "That's Kendall's area of expertise." He said with a grin. "We'd stay out here and help but Kendall doesn't need it. Besides, it's really cold. See you in a minute, Kendall. Thanks, Luke."

"I'll tell my dad about all the serial killers that you caught single-handedly." Carlos joked.

"Thanks." Luke rolled his eyes. "What do I say when he asks to see them?"

"Thanks!" Carlos hopped out of the car and hurried after Logan and James who were already half-way to the front door."

"Kendall," Luke said quietly, his eyes on the other boys until the front door closed. "Is everything okay between Logan and his father?"

Kendall snorted and shook his head. "Obviously not." He replied instantly. "Logan's dad is a jerk."

Luke nodded and tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. "Logan never shows up a school with bruises or anything does he?"

Kendall's eyes widened as he realized what the police officer was implying. "No!" He shook his head again, this time rather violently. "Luke, I would have said something if I thought Mr. Mitchell was hurting Logan."

"Oh, I know." Luke quickly assured him. "But abuse victims usually do whatever they can to cover things up."

"Ryan Mitchell doesn't abuse Logan. At least not in that way. I don't think he even touches him if he can help it. And he's not verbally abusive because he hardly _talks_ to him. He's practically never home. All that home work Logan was talking about earlier? It's all stuff he doesn't need to do. He might like it but mostly he's doing it to get his dad's attention. It won't work though. Nothing ever does. Logan's dad doesn't "officially" abuse him I guess. But if anything-"

"He's neglectful." Luke finished for Kendall. "One more thing, Kendall and then I'll let you go before the guys come back out. Do you guys go over Logan's house a lot?" When Kendall merely shrugged and shook his head, he went on. "When you are over is there. . . is there plenty of food and. . . stuff in the house?"

Kendall sighed and nodded slowly. "But that's only because Logan does most of the shopping. I mean, he uses his dad's money of course but. . . I mean, I work at the local supermarket and I've seen Logan more than I've seen his dad. Is there anything you can do to make Mr. Mitchell be a better father for Logan?"

Luke studied the sad green eyes that were watching him hopefully and reluctantly shook his head. "Not really. Not legally anyway. Have you talked to Carlos' dad about this at all?"

"Yeah," Kendall said. "He told me and James and Carlos the same thing you just told me."

"Sorry, buddy." Luke set his hand on Kendall's shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. "Just be there for Logan when he needs you, okay?"

At that, Kendall smiled a little. "Always." He promised. "Thanks for everything." He climbed out of the car and hurried quickly to the warm indoors of his home. He grinned when he shut the front door behind him and found his mother already serving his friends mugs of hot chocolate.

"Logan, did you eat dinner?" Mrs. Knight asked, smiling briefly at Kendall before looking back down at Logan. "I made lasagna earlier and there are some left overs in the fridge if you're hungry."

Logan turned slightly red and shook his head. "No thanks, Mama Knight." He said, a little shyly. "My dad and I had soup."

"Soup?" Mrs. Knight repeated, looking unsatisfied. "Is that enough?" When Logan nodded, she sighed and dropped the matter. "Well, if you ever get hungry then feel free to heat it up, okay? Good. I'll be doing some laundry, boys. Katie is in her room if you need any of us."

"Your mom makes the best hot chocolate." Logan told Kendall with a grin.

"I know." Kendall grinned back at Logan, happy that the earlier disappointment in his eyes seemed to have faded a little bit. "We're glad you decided to join us, Logie. Things aren't the same without you."

"Yeah!" James and Carlos said in unison. "And," James added brightly. "Now you can tell Kendall and Carlos that we should watch _Miracle_!"

Logan laughed as Kendall and Carlos groaned. "Well, James is depending on me." He said with a straight face. "I can't disappoint him, can I?"

"If you insist." Carlos said with a dramatic sigh. "Let's go." He jumped up and headed to the family room with the rest of his hot chocolate and being followed by James.

"Logie," Kendall said suddenly as he and Logan stood up to join their friends. "When is that science fair at school again?"

A small frown crosses Logan's face. "The middle of February. The same week as the all-star hockey tournament that you got invited to. Don't worry about it, Kendall. It's not a big deal."

"Ah," Kendall nodded vaguely, while making a mental note to call his coach and drop out of the tournament. There were plenty of kids that would take his place in a heartbeat. Logan wouldn't like him quitting in the first place but he would be glad in the end. And as much as Kendall preferred hockey over science fairs, he always, _always_ preferred his friends over hockey. It seemed like Logan could never live up to his distant father's expectations but maybe he didn't have to. Maybe his friends and their families could give Logan what he needed. Kendall didn't really know exactly what that was quite yet but he was determined to figure it out.

**A/N. Another story comes to an end. Hurray! Um, I will hopefully update something else soon but we'll see because I think I might be getting sick. I don't really know. In the meantime, go um, do that voting story and vote for my Angst Twin named One Man Writing Games because she is the best and I love her. Review? Maybe? I love you all! Oh, and my soul-mate Lauren and I decided that my BTR universe has a bunch of Harry Potter paralells. Logan is Harry obviously because he doesn't have any parents and he has a SCAR from when his mom died. Any guesses at the others?**


	16. Solitude

**A/N. I haven't written anything for about two weeks now and that's because I haven't been feeling well physically or emotionally. Physically because I've been sick for close to five weeks now, and emotionally because well. . . read on. Also, please read the author's note at the end. Thank you! I don't own anything.**

_Tears stream down your face,_

_when you lose something you cannot replace._

_-"Fix You" by Coldplay_

It's the sound of the alarm clock beeping that wakes Kendall that Saturday morning. He groans and rolls over to the source of the noise, slapping blindly in its general direction. Somehow his fingers come into contact with the offending object but only so that he accidentally knocks it from its place on his nightstand and onto the floor with an even louder crash.

Giving up on getting any more rest, Kendall sits up slowly, careful not to aggravate his still healing injuries. As careful as he is, he still can't help but wince when the daily throbbing in his rib area begins and his left knee starts to throb at the same time. He stops moving to gather more strength, rubbing his aching knee with one hand. Then, taking a deep breath that his ribs protest, Kendall stands up.

He isn't surprised that his head spins at first, but Kendall is frustrated. How much longer will the effects of his "minor" concussion last? It has been nearly four weeks. Although, by now Kendall finds himself wondering if it's still just his concussion or if he's actually losing bits and pieces of himself day after day. Is that why it's so hard to function?

A soft knock at his door, breaks Kendall's cloudy train of thought and he shakes his head to clear away the rest of the mental cobwebs. "Come in," he says, trying to inject at least some life into his voice. But even he can tell that his attempt has failed quite miserably.

"Honey?"

It's his mother. Of course it's his mother. It's either his mother or Katie these days. Kendall tries not to think about why that is and instead tries to focus on her face because she seems concerned. "Hi, Mom. Sorry, did my alarm wake you?" Why was his alarm set for so early in the morning anyway? Kendall can't remember even touching it. But then, he forgets a lot lately. The doctors said something about short-term memory loss so that might have something to do with it.

"Kendall, you look pale. Are you feeling okay?" His mother walks over to him, approaching him slowly. She lays a hand on his arm and looks closely in his eyes. "Maybe you should try and get some more sleep."

Kendall feels like all he's done lately is sleep. Either because he's so tired from the medications he has been taking or simply because he's so unable to make it through the waking hours of his day that all he can do is lay down and drift off into a blissful state on unconsciousness where nothing hurts. It's easier then, to live in a dream world where everything is still perfect. "I'm not tired," he tells her, even though he feels as though he could sleep forever if they let him. "I was thinking I'd go for a walk."

Confusion crosses her face. "A walk?" she repeats. "Where?"

Kendall points vaguely off to the left of his house, knowing she will soon realize what he means. He glances away from the pain that comes into her eyes. "It's been a while," he mutters. A while. It had been two and a half weeks. He's long overdue for a visit.

"Kendall," she take a deep breath. "Why don't I drive you-"

"No!" he says louder than he means to. He feels a surge of panic well up inside of him that he tries to subdue. "I don't want to," he whispers, his voice shaking. "I don't want to drive. I'll walk. I want to be alone."

She's still uncertain and that's understandable. But he's still fragile and broken, both on the inside and the outside. She isn't sure that he's ready and frankly, neither is he. But somehow, both of them know that he needs to at least try. "Will you at least take your phone?" she asks, pleading with him to give her that one small comfort. That if he truly can't handle it, then she'll only be a phone call and a ten minute drive away.

"Okay," he agrees readily because it will get him out of the house and it does help to know that she'll be so close by. He hates being alone, He's always hated being alone but now that fear is a thousand times more painful. Lots of times lately, he's been surrounded by his loved ones and yet he feels totally alone. "I might call you for a ride home," he tells her as he moves to the door. Already, he's not sure how he'll actually reach his destination and if he does, he knows he won't be able to make it back home by himself.

"Kendall?"

She sounds so sad and Kendall feels like he should do or say something to her that will ease her pain. But he's in so much pain himself that breathing is a challenge for him. The Old Kendall would have known what to say. This is the New Kendall though. He is a stranger even to himself. "I love you," he whispers because now he knows from first hand experience that he might not get another chance to say it. He's already been given a second chance that he didn't want.

Kendall walks outside in his t-shirt and sweatpants, oblivious to the October chill in Minnesota. He doesn't think but just walks, letting his feet take him on autopilot down the street. His bare feet don't feel the rough cement or the wet grass or the sharp gravel or any of the different surfaces he walks across. He feels nothing. The ache in his knee and his rib area is completely gone. He's just numb.

His knee is still injured though so Kendall can't walk fast. Halfway into his ten minute walk that is actually going to take twenty minutes due to his slow pace, Kendall begins to limp. His toes start to drag on the ground, making a harsh scraping noise. Each step is harder than the last as the numbness leaves his leg and is replaced by a searing pain. Tears burn his eyes but he doesn't stop or even pause. He keeps going.

At some point, he doesn't really know when, Kendall reaches his destination. He staggers up the slight slope that leads to the cemetery. He stumbles once or twice, his bad knee nearly crumbling from beneath him both times. The pain nearly makes him black out and Kendall is forced to stop so he can lean against a tree and fight against the waves of dizziness that try to bring him down. He steadies himself, taking in deep gasps of air or at least tries to.

Eventually, the dizziness fades enough for him to continue on again. Fortunately, he doesn't have much farther to go. He can see the three gravestones lined up several yards away. Kendall swallows hard. The last time he was here was the funeral. The headstones weren't even there and now they are. Even though his world is stopped, things continue to change. Kendall hates it.

He walks and walks and then Kendall stops and then sinks to his knees on the grass that's damp from last night's rain. The headstones are brand new, the inscriptions easy to read. But Kendall can hardly see anything through the tears in his eyes. He reaches out and like a blind man, traces the words. The dates. The names.

Seeing it, or rather feeling the words with his fingertips, is far too much for Kendall to handle. He folds into himself, wrapping both arms around his thin frame and lays down. The ground is soft and cool, somehow comforting. He breathes in the smell of the clean earth and closes his eyes. If he can concentrate just a little harder, he can almost feel them with him. "Hi," he whispers as tears begin to leak out of the corner of his eyes and fall down the sides of his face.

* * *

"_Do you think it'll ever stop raining?" Carlos asks as he stares out the window at the pouring sheets of rain. "Or will we just have to build an ark and float around for the rest of our lives?" He grins and sits back against his seat. "That might not be too bad. We'd get to fish and swim every day."_

"_I think it would get really old, really fast." Logan rolls his eyes and then turns to Kendall who is leaning against the steering wheel, peering hard out the windshield. "Pull over when you get the chance, Kendall. It's not even safe right now."_

_Kendall nods but didn't speak or remove his eyes from the road. His hands grip the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles are white. Logan's right. There is nothing safe about driving right now. He's only had his license for a year but the weather they're driving in is enough to worry the most experienced of drivers. _

_The others sense Kendall's nerves and fall completely still and silent, each of them looking out his own window and desperately hoping that the rain will stop or at least slow. Carlos looks more serious than any of them have ever seen, James is leaning forward in his seat in the back, trying to see the highway signs that flash by so he can guess how far they are from home or a safe turn off point. Logan looks afraid. _

_Kendall is one of those rare teenage drivers. He's extremely careful and responsible. Because he knows that it's not just his life that he's responsible for when he drives. He knows that there are other people on the road and more importantly, people in the car with him. Tonight it's his three best friends and who knows who else. James, Carlos, and Logan are all that really matter to him though. He's determined to get them all home safely. But one thing Kendall can't be responsible for is the actions of the other drivers on the road._

"_Kendall!" Logan suddenly shouts as they round a corner and are immediately blinded by the headlights of a car that has drifted into their lane. It's coming straight at them. Kendall wrenches the steering wheel to the left and with a violent jerk that slams them all into each other, they leave the road. _

_Kendall barely registers the strange feeling of flying as the car tips over and begins to roll. Even as they start to roll and his body is jostled around as much as his seat belt allows, Kendall is remarkably clear minded. Logan. James. Carlos. They're all he can think about as continue to be tossed and turned around. Once they come to a stop at the bottom of the hill, he notices how much pain he's in, but he doesn't care._

"_Guys?" he whispers, terrified. "Logie? James? Carlos?" He takes the silence that is his answer and uses the time to assess his injuries. His left leg is hurting so badly that it's all he can do to remain conscious. His head hurts too and somehow he knows that the wet stuff that dampens his hair isn't just rain. It hurts to breathe. _

"_K-Kendall?"_

_Carlos' voice feels Kendall with the strangest sense of peace ever. "Carlos," he sighs, wincing in pain. "Buddy, are you okay?"_

"_No."_

_So much for the peace. Kendall's heartbeat quickens in fear and he turns as quickly as he can to look in the back seat where Carlos is. He doesn't know how bad he looks, but he can't imagine that he can look worse than Carlos. He feels the remaining color drain from his face and instantly every ache disappears. "Carlos," he whispers._

_He can hardly make out his friend in the darkness but he can see the glistening red liquid coating the younger boy's upper body. There's also a lot of blood on his head and all over his face. Kendall can hardly see Carlos past the blood that's literally all over him. He can't even tell where the blood is coming from. There's too much. But then he notices something else. Carlos isn't looking at him. He's looking to his left and tears are pouring down his face, making the blood run even faster somehow. Kendall turns to see what he's staring at._

_James. James is slumped over in his seat, blood pouring from a gash on his forehead. His eyes. They're wide open, staring unseeingly at the back of Kendall's seat. They aren't blinking. And he's not breathing. At all. _

_Kendall doesn't know how long he stares at James but then he hears hoarse, painful sobs and he manages to focus back on Carlos. "Carlos," he says, his voice small, broken, and scared. "Carlos buddy, listen to me. You. . . you have to calm down, okay?" Ironic that he's telling Carlos to calm down when he feels inches from a breakdown himself. James. James is dead. He's really dead. He's not with them anymore. They'll never see him again._

_The realization is hitting them too hard and too fast. Carlos is oblivious to Kendall's hypocritical words and is bent over, sobbing hysterically. Each time his body jerks with a sob, it's like the flow of blood quickens. "J-James," he says over and over again. _

"_Carlos-" Kendall starts to say when another voice interrupts him._

"_Kendall?" Logan is sitting up in his seat, very slowly. His eyes are dazed and confused, full of fear. "Carlos? What. . . what happened?"_

_Kendall turns away from Carlos, wanting to shield Logan from the horrible sight of James. But he knows as soon as he turns that he's too late. Logan looks for the most part, unharmed. There's a deep cut on his forehead that's dripping blood down one side of his face and he moves slowly and painfully. His brown eyes fly wide open in horror when he sees what Kendall was trying to hide from him. "Logie," Kendall says, not knowing what else to say. _

_Logan's breathing is suddenly harsh and he's mumbling incoherent words that are either prayers or curses. Tears fill his eyes and overflow and suddenly he bends and more or less falls into the backseat with James and Carlos. "No, no, no, no." he babbles on, clinging to the front of James' shirt. "James, please, no, no, no."_

"_Logan," at last it's dawning on Kendall that they should call for help. James is. . . gone, but Carlos is still here and he obviously needs help fast. Kendall is pretty sure that his injuries, although incredibly painful, aren't life threatening. Logan looks the best out of all of them but Kendall doesn't want to take any chances. "Logan. . . we need to. . . to call."_

_Logan drags in a shuddering breath and then nods hard. "Call," he stammers shakily. "James and Carlos are really hurt. Are you hurt, Kendall?"_

_James. "Logan," Kendall starts to say. His brain is on autopilot and he's finding it extremely difficult to think straight. It would be cruel to drag Logan away from James but maybe he can help Carlos. "Logie, I think Carlos needs your help."_

_Carlos is still sobbing inconsolably, both from pain and from grief. Logan moves away from James slowly, his eyes lingering on James' lifeless body. Then he turns to Carlos and a part of him seems to return. "Carlos," he whispers. "What hurts, buddy?"_

"_E-Everything!" Carlos chokes out. "L-Logan, James!"_

"_Shhhh," Logan soothes, touching an unbloodied part of Carlos' arm. "He's going to be okay. Let me help you. Kendall?"_

_Kendall is already on the phone with the 911 operator, spilling out a stream of words that hardly make sense to him. The man keeps telling him to slow down and relax a little but Kendall wonders how that could be possible. James is dead. Carlos is dying. Logan seems fine but he might not be. He doesn't even know if he's okay. "Please," he begs, sobbing so hard that he can barely breathe. "Hurry!" The phone slips from his grasp and Kendall ignores the unbelievable pain throughout all of his body and drags himself into the back seat with his friends._

"_Kendall, sit with James so he isn't afraid," Logan says, confirming Kendall's fear that he's in a deep state of shock. As he speaks though, he removes his jacket and holds it firmly to a spot on Carlos' chest where the blood is the darkest. As he moves, his t-shirt lifts up and that's when Kendall's sees it._

_The pale skin is colored black and purple and blue like someone has been beating on Logan for hours. Kendall doesn't even know how Logan has been able to move at all. "Logan," he whispers fearfully. "You're hurt too."_

"_It's not that bad," Logan tells him wearily, slumping up against the seat back. "What about you?"_

"_My leg might be broken. And my head hurts. And it hurts to breathe."_

"_Your leg and your ribs might be broken," Logan says. He takes a deep breath and winces slightly. "Just stay awake, okay? You probably have a concussion too. Focus on James if it's too hard to stay awake."_

_Kendall doesn't want to focus on James. James is dead. It hurts to focus on him and everything he will never be able to do. But Kendall listens to Logan a little and takes James' cold hand in his and gives it a squeeze, not sure who he's trying to reassure. "Carlos?" he asks, afraid of Logan's response._

_Logan pats Carlos' cheek lightly with one hand while keeping his jacket in place. "Carlos, you have to stay awake, okay?" His control is slipping. "Stay awake for me. Please."_

"_I'm so tired, Logie," Carlos mumbles as he begins to struggle for breath._

"_I know, but you have to stay awake. Help is coming, hear it?" In the distance, sirens are wailing, coming closer. "You can go to sleep in a little bit, but not yet."_

"_I'm tired of studying," Carlos blinks and lays his head down on Logan's shoulder. "Can't we take a break and sleep a little?"_

_Latching onto that source of Carlos' confused focus, Kendall leans closer to his younger friends, still holding onto James' hand. "Carlos, you have to keep studying for a little while longer, okay? Then we can all take a break and sleep and when we wake up we'll go play hockey."_

_It doesn't work though. Carlos starts to cry again. "James," he says softly. "I want James to be awake too! Logan, what's happening to me? I'm so cold and it hurts, everything does. Am I. . . am I dying?"_

"_No," Logan lies badly. "You're going to be fine. You just need some Band-Aids." Or maybe he isn't lying. Not intentionally at least. Maybe his shock is worse than Kendall thought. "Yes," Logan nods. "Band-Aids and chicken noodle soup to warm you up."_

"_K-Kendall?" Carlos turns to Kendall, in fear for Logan. _

_Kendall doesn't answer though because an ambulance is suddenly speeding up to them. He breaths a sigh of relief and crawls over to the smashed window to scream for help. "My friends!" he yells, his words getting lost in the wind and the rain. "They need help!"_

"_Logie?" Carlos sounds really scared now. "Where are you?"_

"_Right here, buddy." Logan assures him. "I'm right here. So is Kendall and James. We're all right here. Just keep talking to me. Never stop."_

_Another ambulance screeches to a stop just outside and then everything becomes rushes and blurry and Kendall can only try to make sense of it. He sees how carefully the EMTs handle Carlos when they take him out first. He hears the way they talk to Logan and look relatively unconcerned about him compared to Carlos. He also sees the way they aren't rushing to help James._

_Then, to his horror, they're taking him away from Logan. From James too but Logan is still. . . He still is. James isn't. "N-no!" he pleads, trying uselessly to pull away. "Don't take me away from him! I need to be there for him! He's hurt too!"_

"_Easy, son." a voice tries to soothe him. "We're taking you and your buddy here," he nods to Carlos who is drifting in and out of consciousness. "We're taking you boys first."_

_Before Kendall can protest further, Logan is at his side. "Hey," he says quietly, looking strange and distant but somehow still like Logan. "It'll be okay, Kendall. I'm going to ride with James and make sure he's okay. You take care of Carlos, okay?" His brow is furrowed in concern for Kendall and Carlos and James. As the paramedics load Carlos' stretcher into the back of the ambulance, he takes Kendall's hand and gives it a light squeeze. "See you soon, bro."_

_Kendall calms down a little, enough so that he allows himself to be loaded in next to Carlos. He's worried though because he's leaving Logan behind and Logan doesn't have James to take care of. What if he finds that out and is sad and scared? Kendall can't be there for him._

"_Kendall?"_

"_Yeah, buddy?" Kendall turns his pounding head to look at Carlos. The pale and dazed look his sees on his younger friend worries him._

"_Where's Logie?"_

_The way Carlos' eyes are fluttering shut and then opening and then shutting for longer periods of time, makes Kendall forget about Logan for the time being. Logan and James. Because Logan is most likely fine and James. . . they can't help James anymore. Kendall has to be strong for Carlos right now. "Logan will be back with us soon, Carlos. Don't worry. You'll see him again."_

"_Okay," Carlos nods and his eyes drift shut, staying like that for several long seconds. "Kendall?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_You're a really. . . good friend. I love you and Logan a lot. I know we'll miss James but we'll still have each other, right? You and Logan won't leave me, will you?"_

_Kendall is terrified. He's never seen Carlos so lifeless. No. Lifeless is the wrong word. James was lifeless but Carlos is still- That's when it all ends. Carlos goes sort of rigid and limp all at the same time. He stops looking like Carlos. Then his chest stops rising and falling completely. Then the EMTs go into a quick flurry of motions that confuse Kendall. He tries to sit up but the restraints keep him from doing so. "What's happening?" he asks, his voice rising in pitch._

"_Come on, kid. Don't do this." one of the men mutters. "Hang in there."_

"_What's happening?" Kendall repeats in panic. "Why isn't he breathing?"_

_But they don't answer him. It's like Kendall disappears and all they can think about is Carlos, Carlos, Carlos. Which is just fine with Kendall except that it isn't working. They have these paddle things that Kendall has only seen on TV and that Logan would know the function of. Carlos' body is being jerked roughly up and down but nothing is changing._

_Finally, one of the EMTs takes off his eyeglasses and throws them against the wall of the ambulance and drops his face into his hands, mumbling incoherent words. Kendall can make out fragmented bits and pieces but all he can really think of is one thing._

_Carlos is gone. Dead. Just like James. Both of his friends are dead, Kendall realizes. In one night. Two sixteen year olds. Who had their wholes lives ahead of them. Gone. Dead. In an instant. One minute they were there and the next minute they weren't. Kendall never even got to say goodbye to them and neither did Logan._

_It's worse though for Logan. He wasn't there for Carlos when he left. Kendall could only watch and plead for Carlos to come back but Logan is back there in his own ambulance with no idea what has just happened. He told Carlos that they would see each other again soon. He'll never see him again. _

_Kendall swallows hard and blinks back tears, the full force of his loss still not quite hitting him. He reaches out and picks up Carlos' hand and holds it tightly. "Don't worry, Carlos," he whispers. "Logan and I are never going to leave you." It's only after he speaks that it's Carlos who has left him and Logan._

* * *

_The next thing Kendall knows, he's waking up in a strange, blindingly white room. He doesn't remember losing consciousness. The last thing he does remember is telling Carlos that he and Logan will never leave him, only to realize that Carlos was the one who did the leaving. Just like James._

_Dead. Grief sweeps over Kendall like a tidal wave, threatening to pull him under in the ocean of depression. Dead. James and Carlos are gone. At only sixteen, their lives are over. They had so much ahead of them and now they don't. Now Kendall doesn't have two of his best friends. He only has Logan._

_Logan. He needs to get to Logan and be with him. Kendall tries to sit up, straining against the hands that are suddenly holding him down. "No!" he protests. "Let me go, please!"_

"_Kendall! Kendall sweetie, calm down!" It's his mother and her hands are firm but gentle and she easily overpowers Kendall's weakened body and makes him lay back down. "Kendall, listen to me. You're hurt. You have to rest, okay?"_

"_Mom," and that's when Kendall loses it. The sobs tearing through him make his chest feel like it's on fire and the pain makes him cry even harder. He can feel her hugging him as gently as possible and hear her whispering words, but he can't make sense of any of it. The only thing he knows is that James and Carlos are gone and they're never coming back._

_There's a small prick in his arm and Kendall starts to feel like the atmosphere around him has suddenly become thick and heavy. His sobs slow as his brain starts to stop processing what's happening. The pain begins to ebb at last and the last thing he hears is his mother telling him that everything is going to be okay. What a lie._

* * *

_Kendall wakes up again, calmer this time. Not really calm exactly, but numb. He opens his eyes, immediately meeting his mother's weary gaze and he stares blankly at __her. "How long?" he croaks out, his throat burning a little. _

"_How long have you been sleeping?" she asks. When he nods, she sighs and strokes his forehead, pushing his hair gently out of his eyes. "Since early this morning." she tells him. "It's almost 8:00 at night now."_

"_When was the accident?" he asks next, because he's so confused by the time._

"_Last night."_

_There's something about the instant change in her demeanor that clenches Kendall's heart in an icy grip of fear. "Mom," he whispers. "James and Carlos-" he breaks of, unable to finish. Tears fill his eyes so that he can hardly see her. "It's not fair."_

"_I know, baby, I know."_

"_Is Katie with Logan?" Kendall turns his head slowly, looking for his little sister. She wasn't there the first time he woke up and she's not there right now._

_Mrs. Knight bites her bottom lip and tears fall from her eyes. "Daddy came from the city," she tells Kendall. "He's home with Katie right now."_

_But Logan. "Mom," Kendall tries to sit up again and is caught of guard by the blasts of pain that shoot up his entire left leg and throughout his rib area. His head hurts a lot too. Tears of pain sting his eyes and he feels incredibly lightheaded. "Logan can't be alone," he says through gritted teeth, trying to stay conscious. "Go be with Logan, Mom."_

_A choked sob escapes her and Kendall looks up, stricken. "What," he says, his mouth dry with sudden fear and dread. "Mom, Logan's fine. I saw him that night. He was fine. He was helping all of us. Where is he?" He notices that his voice is rising with every word but he doesn't try to calm himself down. "Is someone with Logan?"_

"_Kendall," she begins tearfully. "Logan-"_

"_Is fine!" Kendall insists, his heart racing dangerously in his chest. "Mom, he's fine! He has to be! He was walking and everything! He told me that he would see me later, so where is he? Who's with him, he can't be alone right now! He needs someone!"_

"_Sweetheart, listen to me." Mrs. Knight takes a deep breath and clasps Kendall's hands in hers. Only now does he notice her eyes are red and swollen with many tears and she looks like she's aged ten years overnight. "When your ambulance left. . . Logan collapsed. He lost consciousness._

_A strange, numb feeling is starting to steal over Kendall one again. He can hardly breathe. "Collapsed," he repeats thickly. "What does that mean?"_

"_They took him to the hospital in the other ambulance. . . Kendall, Logan wasn't okay."_

_Wasn't. Kendall is aware enough to realize that she's speaking about Logan in the past tense. But maybe. Maybe that means that he's okay now. They just can't see him for some reason. But he will be okay. That's what she has to mean. "What do you mean? What was wrong with him?"_

"_He had a pretty bad concussion but mostly. . . Kendall, he was bleeding internally. He. . . he never woke up after losing consciousness. They-" her voice is shaking so hard. "They did everything they could to save him, but-"_

_Kendall stops hearing her even though she continues to talk. "No," he whispers. "No. Not Logan. Not Logan. Please." This isn't happening. It can't be. James and Carlos are gone, he can't lose Logan too. Especially since he was so sure that Logan would be okay. "Mom, no. I saw Logan before they took me and- and Carlos to the hospital. He was fine. He was walking and talking and-"_

"_He's gone, Kendall." Mrs. Knight holds Kendall close. "I'm so sorry, sweetie. They. . . they pronounced him dead on arrival to the hospital."_

_Not. Logan. Logan. Is. Not. Dead. Kendall can only think of one word at a time. His breath is coming in sharp, short gasps. It feels like his lungs have been turned inside out and his heart is upside down. "Stop it," he pleads. "Stop saying that about Logan."_

"_Kendall-"_

"_No!" he shouts, pulling away and ignoring the searing pain all throughout his entire body. "James and Carlos are gone, Logan can't be gone too! I need Logan! I can't do this alone. Mom. . ." Kendall trails off and turns over on his side. His arms go around himself as he starts to shake with sobs that seem to be tearing him apart. "Not Logan too," he chokes out. "Please."_

_This cannot be happening. All three of his friends dead on the same night, in the same accident. And he hadn't been able to say goodbye to any of them. He hadn't even been expecting to say goodbye to James, Carlos left him too abruptly, and Logan. . . Logan wasn't even supposed to leave him. But then again, none of them were supposed to leave him. _

"_He t-told me," Kendall says in a strangled voice. "He told me that he would s-see me later!" And as the sobs overtake him and his mother holds him in her arms, Kendall feels a deep, dark nothingness start to pull him away from her and the rest of the world. The pain is so bad, both physical and emotional, that it's all he knows. As far as he's concerned, the world has come to an end._

* * *

"I thought we promised each other that we'd stay together," Kendall says now, still laying in the damp grass. "You all lied. You left me, but you're still together."

He wants to be with them so bad. That's all he wants anymore. James, Carlos, and Logan were what his life revolved around and now they're gone. Now his world has spun off it's axis and is careening wildly through the galaxy, completely out of control. He just wants his best friends back. Without them, Kendall isn't so sure he can live.

Since they were five, they had been best friends, so completely different, yet somehow completing each other. Four parts of one person. Now, three of those parts are gone and Kendall has been left alone to try and move on all by himself. But the body can't operate without all of its organs functioning properly.

Carlos had been the heart. He loved life and he loved everyone and everything in his life. Logan had been the brain, helping them see sense is everything that they said and did. He did the reasoning when something threatened their friendship and he had always pulled them out of it. James had been the passion, and sure passion wasn't a physical body part, but Kendall had always believed that someone needed passion to truly live. As for Kendall. . . he had really been a combination of those three things. His unconditional love for his best friends had allowed him to be whatever they needed him to be. But now he didn't have them to need him. In losing them, he had lost himself.

It has started to rain again but Kendall doesn't feel the drops falling from the sky as if the angels up in Heaven are shedding tears too. He only knows that his own tears are falling fast and heavy, soaking his t-shirt when he curls into himself. "How could you all just leave me?" he screams suddenly, shattering the stillness. "You broke your promises!"

Maybe if he lays here long enough, he'll drown in the rain and then sink into the earth and be with them again. Could he possibly be so fortunate? No. Probably not. He'll probably live a long and lonely life, all by himself.

"I don't understand," he says, whispering once again. "You all lied to me. You left me." He's shaking all over, both from grief and from the freezing cold rain that has absolutely soaked him. Tremors race up and down him until he wonders if he might be having a seizure or something. He considers this possibility with a broken sense of hope. He doesn't care how he dies, he just wants to die.

"I miss you. I miss all of you so much. Carlos, I miss your jokes and you smile and your laugh. James, I miss your dreams and your passion. Logie, I miss your brain and your common sense. I miss everything about all of you. It wasn't supposed to be this way. We were supposed to grow up together and go to college and be whatever we wanted to be because we could do anything together. We were supposed to get married and be in each other's weddings and make out kids get married to each other. We were in this for life and now you're gone. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this alone. I don't think I can. I need you. I need you here with me. I'm-" Kendall falters in his tearful rant. "I'm lost."

He falls silent then and listens, as if he's expecting to hear one of them respond. Of course they don't. They can't. All he hears is the rain falling heavily now and thunder rumbling in the distance. Just as he starts to hope to get struck by lightening, Kendall hears something else. Footsteps.

They come nearer and nearer, but Kendall doesn't lift his face to see if it's someone he knows. Even when a worried voice starts to speak his name, he can't bring himself to answer. His voice is lost now. He was right. He's losing himself piece by piece. He wonders if he'll become blind or deaf next. He flexes his numbing fingers to find that he's not paralyzed. Yet.

"Kendall, come here." Strong arms wrap around him and lift Kendall up. "Let's get you home."

Kendall doesn't have a home to go to. He wants to stay in the cemetery in the pouring rain and catch pneumonia and die. But since he has no voice anymore, he can't really protest. So he lets Carlos' father carry him away from his three best friends and out of the cemetery where his car is waiting with the heat blasting.

"You're practically frozen,"

He can hear tears in the man's voice and the obvious pain and suffering are like more knives being driven into the scraps of his heart. Mr. Garcia should never have a reason to hurt so much. A part of Kendall wants to reach out to him and comfort him. But paralysis has started to spread over his body so he simply sits slumped over in the front passenger seat with a warm fleece blanket wrapped tightly around him.

"Kendall, can you hear me?"

So much worry and fear for him. It gives Kendall just enough strength to give a small nod in reply. Then he goes back to staring blankly out the window. He hears the voice talking gently to him, but he can't even open his mouth or turn to him. He's fading.

"We're worried about you, Kendall."

He can barely hear Mr. Garcia talking to him so he must be going deaf too. Or maybe it's just the fact that it's Carlos' dad. He's found it extremely difficult to see any of the Garcias or the Diamonds these days. As for the Mitchells. . . well, Logan was the only one that was left and now he's gone too. Kendall's mom had adopted Logan when they were fourteen. So that's why Kendall has trouble looking at his own mother.

He's discovered that the worst thing to see in the world is a parent who has lost a child. To see full grown adults go around looking like lost and confused children is just terrifying. Kendall has already seen more than he wants of the Diamonds and Garcias, but his own mother is another story.

It's difficult to pinpoint when exactly he woke up from his comatose state just enough to notice the others. Maybe it was when 8:00 rolled around one night and his mom opened the cabinets to find them empty of food except for a box of stale crackers. Maybe it was when they all went to the grocery store together and Katie had a meltdown when she saw sour gummy worms because they had been Logan's favorite candy. At some point, Kendall realized he wasn't the only one wasting away.

Yet, try as he might, he could not reach out to them. Kendall had always been the one to fix things, ever since his parents divorced when he was eleven. But he couldn't fix things this time and he still can't. Right now, he cannot find it anywhere in his power to open his mouth and respond to the words of concern that are being directed at him.

They pull up to his house, but again, Kendall doesn't move. He can't. The paralysis is spreading. He lets himself be carried, like a little boy, into the house where he sees his mother and sister both waiting anxiously.

"Kendall, sweetie." his mother says, the worry all too clear in her voice. She waits until Mr. Garcia has laid him down on the couch and then she quickly spreads a blanket over him. "You're soaked and freezing."

Out of nowhere, a new rush of emotions rushes into Kendall and crashes into him. He starts to sob hard, shaking so hard that he nearly falls off the couch. The pain is so horrible that he almost blacks out, but of course, he isn't that lucky.

"Kendall?" Katie sounds small and scared as she approaches him.

Kendall can't answer her or anyone else for that matter. He's drowning in a sea of heart ache that no amount of time could ever ease. He starts to talk in an incoherent babble that even he can't understand. Finally, after several failed attempts at communicating, Kendall becomes more clear. "It's m-my f-fault!"

"Kendall! Kendall, no. It's not your fault." Alarm is in his mother's voice as he desperately tries to persuade him otherwise.

But Kendall is adamant. He feels sick to his stomach. It was his fault. He was the one who was driving. It doesn't matter that the other driver was drunk, they hadn't been hit by that car. He had swerved and they had gone off the road and-

"Kendall, listen to me." Mr. Garcia is still there for some reason and his voice is urgent, somehow gaining some of Kendall's attention. He waits until the boy looks up at him, his heart breaking even more when he sees the pain and devastation in the green eyes that were once so filled with life. "Listen," he says again, just to be sure. "The accident was not your fault. It was an accident. Kendall, if you hadn't avoided that car, you probably all would have been dead by now."

"I wish I was though!" Kendall exclaims, sitting up so that the blanket falls away. "Can't you see that? Why am I the only one who didn't die that night? It's not fair! They left me all alone and now all I want to do is die too!"

"Kendall-"

"Please," Kendall says, jerking away from his mother's grasp and avoiding eye contact with all of them. "Just leave me alone. I need to be alone." And with that, he trudges slowly up to his bedroom. Collapsing down on his bed, he lets the numbness spread over his body, sighing in relief. When he's asleep, he feels nothing, and he likes it best that way.

* * *

When he wakes up later, Kendall realizes right away that he isn't alone. The peace he feels surprises him and he opens his eyes to find Katie snuggled close against him. She's sleeping, but only very lightly, so Kendall is careful not to wake her. She looks exhausted. Her face is small and pale from lack of sleep and even though her eyes are closed, Kendall can see how swollen they are from recent tears.

He wonders at his sudden ability to be so sensitive. He can't remember the last time he felt like this. Before the accident, yes, but he's not sure of the exact time. He does know that it has been too long though. Way too long. Before he can stop himself, Kendall sighs heavily and drapes an arm around Katie, waking her in the process.

"Kendall?" she asks, sounding like a small, scared child once again. "Did you mean it?"

It takes him a little while before he can grasp what she means. He stares at her and sees his pain reflected back at him through her eyes. "Katie," he says quietly, searching for the words to say. "I don't know, baby sis."

She gives him a weak but angry slap in the face and then buries her head in the pillow as she starts to cry all over again. "But we can't lose you too, Kendall, we just can't!"

How can he possibly explain it to her? The way he feels like every day is more and more of a struggle? The way it hurts to breathe? But then Kendall opens his eyes, really opens his eyes this time, and he sees something. She feels the same way. Maybe not to the degree that he does, but his little sister lost her loved ones that night too.

"I don't want you to die, Kendall." she says pleadingly, looking up at him with tear filled eyes. "I need you so much. Now more than ever."

_Now more than ever._ The words are simple, so simple. Kendall still finds himself struggling to understand them. "How could you?" he asks in a broken whisper. "How could anyone need me the way I am now?"

"Because it's _you_." she tells him softly. "And we need you. No one cares how broken you are, Kendall. You're still here and that's what's important. What if. . . what if it had been the other way around? What if it was Logan who was the only one who survived? Or Carlos? Or James? What would you want them to do?"

Kendall would give anything to have the rules reversed, but that makes him feel a little guilty for wishing such pain on one of his best friends. He thinks carefully about Katie's questions though. Would he want them to lay around, dying a slow death of nothingness? That answer at least, is easy. No, of course not. He would want them to go on with their lives eventually. "I don't know how I can," he tells her pathetically.

"I don't know either," Katie answers him honestly as she reaches for his hand. "But I promise you that you won't do it alone. Please, Kendall. Don't leave. Stay with us."

Maybe Kendall isn't as alone as he originally thought. He lost his best friends, yes, and there will never be a day that he doesn't miss them. But he's not the only one, and he feels bad for not realizing this before. "Okay, Katie." he says, unsure of where the strength to speak those two words came from.

She smiles then, very tentatively, but with the smallest amount of hope in her eyes. "Kendall?" she asks quietly.

"Hm?"

Katie props herself up with one arm and looks at him intently. "You know what I think? I think. . . that they're not really gone. Not completely. They wouldn't do that to us. To you. They loved you too much. They still do."

"I think maybe you're right. And I think that maybe one day, I'll know that for sure." Kendall tells her. "I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much. Or happen at all. I'd give anything to have that night back and stay at home."

"Me too," Tears are in Katie's eyes again. "I miss them so much, Kendall." she says. "I want them back."

He knows exactly how she feels. A least one more day with his best friends to tell them all that they meant to him and all that they still mean to him. To thank them for everything. And to tell them that he'll always _always _love them. He won't ever get that chance.

"I love you, Kendall." Katie interrupts his thoughts. "You're the best big brother in the world and you always will be."

She's read his mind, Kendall realizes. Thanking him. Telling him that she loves him. They've all had a nightmarish wake-up call that life is far too short to take anything or anyone for granted. They don't know when their lives will ends. Tomorrow could be too late.

Kendall sits up enough so that he can wrap Katie in both of his arms and they cry together. "I love you too, Katie. Thanks for everything."

His bedroom door opens quietly and then his mother joins their embrace. At first, Kendall only cries harder because he thinks of how they're missing Logan in their family hug. And then he remembers that they're also missing Carlos and James and the sorrow almost drowns him all over again.

Almost.

He's not alone anymore. Even his friends are still with him, though he can't see them or talk to them they way he used to. They live on in his heart and they always will. Kendall's never alone.

**A/N. Okay, so now you know where my emotions have been. That being said, I have also been having a lot of trouble writing lately, and I'm not really sure why. A lot of things going on, I guess. Anyway, I have tentative plans involving fan fiction. I am going to finish "13 Reasons" and the "Love Thyself" series. Then, in December I will be writing a Christmas story. But after that, I might retire from fan fiction. I'm still not completely sure, so that's all I'll say for now. I need a quiet week to think this through. But, for the time being, you're stuck with me until at least December! Thank you all!**


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